Zombie Apocolypse: Sequel to There can be only one
by Chaos242
Summary: I got bored...read it...review it...
1. Chapter 1

Zombie Apocalypse

An Adam Wesker Crackfic/parody

Zombie survival rules

1. always respect the author

-If you don't respect the author, he will make you get eaten; try bringing him gifts on a regular basis.

2. Always carry your own weight

-If you rely on others, they will fail you; so try relying on yourself a little.

3. Stay in a group

-If you try and survive on your own, you will last about a day or two.

4. If you want to live for more than one chapter, go insane

- the author LOVES to write stories with insanity in them. (for example see Adam vs. Bobert crackfic)

Chapter 1: Beginnings

It all began when the Author ran out of material for his other Crackfic and decided to write about zombies...

1998- Viral outbreak in the Arklay Mountains infects hundreds of umbrella corp. scientists. Only a few years later, the outbreak infects the far away high school, TOVN, not only that but, the infection hit the school ON THE LAST DAY OF FINALS, WTF?

2010- Viral outbreak reaches TOVN, military quarentines the school, but then the guards got distracted by cheerleading practice and the virus escaped, infecting EVERYTHING, except for Utah because the Mormons don't allow viruses, again WTF?

Present Day, TOVN...

Monica walked down the dark c-hallway of TOVN, she was scared, not because of the flesh-eating zombies, but because she didn't finish her final exam.

"I hope that they let me have a re-take..." She said, whilst completely ignoring the former humans trailing her at snail-like speeds.

Her friend Laura walked up next to her.

"Hi Laura, you don't look so good."

"Moan..."

Laura had pieces of flesh missing in several spots on her face and legs, her eyes were rolled over white, jagged teeth jutted out in different directions. She had been infected.

Zombie-Laura grabbed Monica's shoulder and turned her around, so they were face to face with each other.

Monica wrinkled her nose

"Oh my god Laura, didn't I tell you not to have the Mexican taco for lunch yesterday?"

Then several fast moving figures ran down the hallway, dressed in all black. One brought a metal bar down onto the Zombie-Laura, while a shotgun magically appeared in the other's hand.

"Adam?"

"BOOM, HEADSHOT!" Yelled Adam as he blasted Zombie-Laura's head off

"HOLY SHIT, YOU SHOT LAURA!" Yelled the still clueless Monica

"I shot..." Adam looked at the headless Zombie's corpse, "Ha, I guess it was Laura!"

"How can you tell that is Laura, you blew its head off?" asked Lauren, who was the one with the bar.

Adam seemed to consider this for a second, and then pointed the shotgun at Lauren.

"DO NOT QUESTION MY JUDGEMENT!" Yelled Adam

"DO NOT SHOOT ME!" Yelled Lauren

"WTF IS GOING ON?" Yelled Monica

Adam lowered the shotgun and Lauren lowered her arms.

"It seems that a viral outbreak has turned almost everyone in existence into zombies." Explained Adam

"Yeah, were have you been for the last like...day?"

"Idk, I was just taking my final exam and then some people in military outfits showed up and started shooting everyone." explained Monica, "So what happened to the others?"

"I killed Bobert, Laura became a zombie and then I shot her, I mistook Nirali for a zombie and shot her leg: she's in the south cafeteria now, I stabbed Wesker in the eye after he injected me with really cool virus-"

"AIDs?" Interrupted Monica

"No, the W-virus, now I can do this!" Adam disappeared for a second and then reappeared behind Monica and put her in a headlock.

"OW, get off!"

"My bad, force of habit." Said Adam as he released her.

"What about Harry, what happened to Harry?"

"Potter? He got raped by Nirali."

"NO, the other Harry!" Demanded Monica

"Oh, him," Adam forced a smile "I don't know."

"We have to find him!" Said Monica

"Why?" Asked Lauren, "I thought you hated him."

"Yeah, I want to find him so I can kill him myself."

Everyone was quiet for a few seconds, until Adam broke the silence.

"You want to hunt him down and kill him yourself…that's kinda hot."

"Wtf?" asked Monica

"Don't worry," explained Lauren, "He thinks everything is hot."

"That is not true."

"You thought it was hot when I bit your arm!"

"If you keep talking, I will kill you."

Then zombie-Harry walked passed them.

"Oh, there he is." Said Adam as he took out his magic Shotgun

"NO!" yelled Monica as her stood in front of Harry, "He's mine!"

Adam shrugged and walked back towards the south cafeteria, which was their base.

Then zombie-Harry fell down a random staircase and died.

"NOOO, HARRYYYYY!" Yelled Monica, "WHY DID YOU KILL YOURSELF, I WANTED TO KILL YOU!"

"noooo! why!" mimicked Adam, "Done crying?"

Monica held back tears and nodded.

"Then let's go, you don't want to be in this hallway after 7." Explained Adam

Monica turned to Lauren, "What the hell is wrong with him?"

Lauren shrugged, "We think it's from that virus he got injected with."

"AIDs?"

"NO, THE W-VIRUS!" Yelled Adam from fourty feet ahead of them.

"So, who else survived?" asked Monica

"A few others, Rj Cepok, Seamus, Rob Relgne."

"Did you see the new X-Men yet?"

"What?"

"Never mind."

Monica spoke up again, "So it's three girls and four guys?"

"Yeah, we're out numbered." Agreed Lauren, "That's why I've been looking for another girl to join us."

"Did you find any?"

"Just Kelly, She wouldn't shut up so I got Adam to shoot her."

"How many people has Adam killed?"

"Since the outbreak or since birth?"

Chapter one complete, hope you all like it!


	2. Chapter 2

Zombie Apocalypse

An Adam Wesker Crackfic/parody

Chapter 2: The Survivors/chocolate

"So, does this...virus thing...have any side effects?" asked Monica as they walked down the hallway.

"No, I mean the only one who ever had the virus before me was Wesker, and he turned out okay."

"Didn't he try to infect the world with some other virus?" Said Lauren

"Yeah, he failed, then he died." explained Adam, "Now a different virus has infected everything by accident."

"Kinda ironic."

They turned the corner into the hallway with the south cafeteria, the doors to the cafeteria which had tables nailed to them for defense.

"Well, here we are." said Lauren

"Home sweet home." said Adam

"What smells?" asked Monica

"That would be Seamus."

"Oh..."

Adam walked up to the door and banged on it, making a large dent.

"Wtf?" asked Adam in surprise, "I guess there are side effects!"

"Besides that teleporting thing you did before." Said Monica, remembering when he put her into a headlock

_Force of habit, what bullshit_. Thought Monica

"Oh yeah..." said Adam

The doors opened, pulled away by a short boy with pale skin and a gray/brown ponytail.

"Seamus, didn't I tell you to wash up in the kitchen!" said Adam as he and the others held their noses.

"I wanted to, but the kitchen was so far away, I got scared!"

"Bullshit."

"You're Bullshit." replied Seamus

Adam pulled out the magic shotgun and blasted a cartridge into the floor next to Seamus.

"Wash up, NOW!"

"YES SIR!" cried Seamus before running away with a weird emo giggle

"Thank god you're back!" said Copek, who was lying on the ground

His mid-section was covered in bloodstained bandages.

"What happened to you?" asked Monica

Ω

One day earlier

"_AHHHHHH" Screamed RJ Cepok as Nirali bit into his arm._

"_YOU SAID THAT YOU WERE THE CHOCOLATE, AND YOU TASTE GREAT!" Yelled Nirali after she finished swallowing a chunk of Cepok's arm._

"_WHAT THE FUCK?" screamed everyone._

"_AHHHHH" Yelled Cepok, "Get her off of me!"_

_Adam pulled out his magic shotgun and shot Cepok._

"_Oh shit, I need to work on my aim."_

Ω

"Oh yeah..." said Monica

"Yeah, and that _cannibal_ has been trying to- AHHHHH" screamed Cepok as Nirali bit into his other arm

"Nirali." said Adam, "Stop eating Cepok."

"But he's so TASTY!"

"Stop it."

"Okay." Nirali got off of Cepok and went into a corner to continue her card game of Solitaire

"THAT HURTS YOU KNOW!" yelled Cepok as Nirali walked away

"Lauren, patch him up...again." ordered Adam

"Why do I have to do these things?"

"Because you touch yourself at night, now do it."

Lauren walked up to Adam and full on slapped him. When she saw it had no effect she wheeled her leg back and kicked him in the nuts.

"FELT THAT DIDN'T YOU, MR. 'IVE GOT A COOL VIRUS'!"

"OW." cried Adam as he crumpled to the floor in agony

"Lauren!" yelled Monica

"WHAT!"

"Come here" Monica motioned for Lauren to follow her into a dark corner, far away from Adam

Monica lowered her voice, "We have to be nice to him."

"Why?" questioned Lauren, "He's not nice to us!"

"Yeah, but he has that virus thingy and he could kill you in your sleep!"

Lauren contemplated this for a minute, then Monica spoke again

"And the only people that are mobile right now you, me and him."

"What about Seamus?"

"I have a feeling he'll be dead within a day or two."

"No, didn't you read the rules from Chapter one, the author keeps the insane ones alive longer than-"

"I think he meant the ones that go insane as the story progresses, from what I've seen, Seamus was already nutty."

"So what's the plan?" Questioned Lauren

"We wait until Nirali and the others are healed, then we ditch Adam and his virus ass."

"Actually his ass has looked a lot better since he got that virus."

"FOCUS!"

Then Rob Engler walked up to Lauren and Monica. Before he could talk Lauren poked him in the arm with her metal fighting staff.

"Ow!" exclaimed Rob, "Even now, in the middle of the zombie apocalypse, you have to poke me?"

"Pretty much."

"So, what you guys talking about?" Asked Adam, who used his teleporting trick to appear in the middle of the group

"Um, we were talking about...SEAMUS!" stuttered Lauren

"Seamus?" Adam raised an eyebrow, "That Seamus?"

They all looked at Seamus, who was arm wrestling with a zombie that had stuck its arm through the door. The zombie grew a tongue that was several feet long and stuck it through the door. Seamus jumped back, looked at the tongue, then jumped forward and bit the tongue off. He then began to poke the zombie with its own tongue, which he held in his mouth.

"What about him were you talking about?"

"His..." Lauren looked for the right word to use, "HAIR! His ponytail."

"Oh, yeah." said Adam, "Interesting thing about that ponytail, part of his brain is inside of it."

"..."

"I gonna go bother Cepok."

Adam teleported away.

"That was..."

"Weird..."

Adam ran up to Cepok and poked him until he was awake.

"What is it?"

"So, how's you and Nirali doing?"

"What?"

"You know...you and...her" Adam said, pointing at Nirali, who waved back

"I hate her."

"Sure, sure."

"Wait, you don't think that..." said Cepok with a scared look on his face

"Don't keep lying to yourself Cepok, it'll just tear you apart."

"Shut up."

"Someone's getting defensive." said Adam with a ring in his voice

"I said shut up."

"Wanna ask her out?"

"NO"

"You sure?"

"Fine" said Cepok with a sigh

Adam nodded and walked towards Nirali.

"So, Nirali...what do you think of Cepok?"

"He tastes like Dark and White chocolate mixed together." replied Nirali, who was half talking to Adam, and half to herself

"So, you want to eat him?" said Adam, "Isn't that illegal?"

"It's not illegal to eat chocolate."

"Okay, but besides...eating him...anything else?"

"He does have a certain thing to him..."

"Yeah, well he REALLY likes you, go talk to him, AND DON'T TRY TO EAT HIM!"

Nirali got up and walked over to Cepok, who held his hands up to cover his face just in case she tried to eat him. Then he lowered his arms and they started talking.

"Am I good?" said Adam to himself, "I'm good."

YAY, chapter 2 is done, we have Romance, violence, a plot to overthrow Adam, and a really weird Seamus.

WHAT COULD BE NEXT?


	3. Chapter 3

Zombie Apocalypse

An Adam Wesker Crackfic/parody

Chapter 3: Love, Blood, and Ninjas

"BLACK POWER!" Said Nirali and Cepok in unison, then they made out for the 23th time in 5 minutes

"I'm so sorry that I hooked them up." Said Adam while he held his head

"I don't see what's so bad about them as an item." Said Monica

"Yeah, they're pretty cute together." Agreed Lauren

"It's not that," Explained Adam, "It's that now he'll never be a free man again."

"What? He looks happier than ever." Commented Monica

"Yeah, it's not like he's married." Said Rob

Adam shook his head, "And he probably won't do as much work either."

"Well if you and your virus ass want-"said Lauren

"My virus ass?" said Adam with a smile, "Since when are you interested in my ass?"

"I never said that, I was simply referring to your loss of humanity since Wesker gave you that virus-"

"AIDs?" interrupted Seamus

Adam pulled out his shotgun, "Seamus, I'm going to count to three."

"Yeah." Replied a clueless Seamus

"Once I get to three, are you listening?" Adam asked as Seamus started to pick his nose out of boredom

"Yeah."

"Okay, once I get to three," Explained Adam, "I'm going to start shooting you."

"Got it."

"And I'm not going to stop shooting until there's nothing left of you but red mush."

"Checkmate!" yelled Seamus

Adam's eyes grew red, "HAVE YOU EVEN BEEN LISTENING?"

"Of course, you put the sugar in to the oven and then you-"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Adam pulled out his shotgun, "THREE!"

Before Adam annihilated this fic's only comic relief, a loud scream pierced everyone's ears. Nirali and Cepok stopped kissing, Lauren stopped poking Robert, Monica stopped…whatever Monica does in her free time, Adam stopped threatening Seamus, and Seamus stopped being emo/suicidal.

"What the?"

"Who was that?"

"That sounded like a girl!" exclaimed Monica;_ we can finally even the genders._

They all walked up to the window, except Cepok and Nirali; who had resumed kissing.

"Who…is that?" Asked Robert

The person that they were looking at was a girl dressed in black clothing, she had two ninjatos on her back. She was surrounded by several zombies; with a flick of her wrist she threw several shuriken at the zombies, each hitting their mark.

"Hmm" said Adam, _She seems talented; perhaps she could become an ally._

Then a 7 foot tall zombie with a giant claw on one hand ran at the girl, she skillfully dodged the attack and drew her ninjatos.

Adam put on a pair of sunglasses and turned to look at everyone.

"Oh no, you are not going out there to rescue her." Said Rob

"Too late." Said Seamus as he pointed at Adam, who had used his teleporting trick to appear outside.

"Damn it, you're going to get yourself killed." Said Lauren

"Hey don't sweat it, we're betraying him anyway." Reassured Monica

"Oh yeah."

Adam ran towards the giant and punched it in the stomach which, thanks to his virus given super-strength, sent it to the ground.

"Hi I'm Adam, and you are?" Said Adam, addressing the stranger

"Great, now these things talk too." Replied the girl as she stabbed the giant in the head

"Nice sword you've got there, were did you get it?"

The girl simply took a swing at Adam, who dodged matrix style: by bending backwards until he was parallel with the ground.

"OW, my back!" cried Adam as he wasn't able to get back to a normal position

"Wait a sec, zombies don't have back problems." Said the Girl, "I guess you aren't one of them after all."

She put her swords away, "I'm Becky, and you are?"

"Becky!" exclaimed Adam, "It's me, Adam!"

She looked surprised, "Oh, your ego looks bigger than it did before so I didn't recognize you."

"Yeah, that's great, now could you be so kind as to help me with this." Replied Adam, who was still stuck in the same position

Becky walked over and kicked Adam's back.

"OW!" cried Adam, "That feels…better."

They walked towards the window and Adam put his hand onto Becky's shoulder.

"What are you-"

They teleported inside.

"What the fuck just happened?" asked Becky

"Oh yeah, I got this virus-"

"AIDs?" asked Becky

Adam held back a scream of rage and frustration.

"No, the W-virus, it gives me powers, like super-strength, teleporting and a better ass."

"Did you get it by smoking a hamster?" asked Becky in a serious tone

"Eh?" Adam's eyes turned purple

"'Sup with your eyes?" asked Becky

"Um, Becky?" Said Lauren, "come here for a sec."

Becky walked over, "What is it?"

"He'll kill you, literally." Explained Lauren

"I'd like to see him try."

"I'm serious!"

"So am I."

Ω

"What is it Robert?"

"Dude, that chick's hot." Stated Robert

"Okay, anything else?" said a very bored Adam

"What, you don't…wanna talk about her?" said a surprised Robert

"So she's attractive, what do you want me to say?"

"But this is what guys talk about!" Explained Robert

Adam was silent

"Are you even human anymore?"

"What, just because I don't want to talk about an attractive girl you think I'm not human?"

"…"

"Well sure I'm not human anymore, but look at the power I've gained!"

Robert contemplated it for a second, "That was totally not relevant."

Adam drew his shotgun

Robert looked un-afraid, "Is that all you can do?"

"N-no, I can do stuff!" nervously said Adam as he put the gun away

Across the room Seamus was listening in, "Mmmm, I bet you can do stuff…"

Adam teleported to Seamus and picked him off the ground by his ponytail.

"Never…say that…again." Said Adam before he dropped Seamus back down


	4. Chapter 4

Zombie Apocalypse

An Adam Wesker Crackfic/parody

Chapter 4: Plot devices and Chibis for the Win?

"Okay Becky, now that you're a part of our little band of survivors" said Adam, "I think introductions are in order."

Becky nodded, "Alright, who are you guys?"

Rob stepped forward first, "My name's Rob, and I have to say that you are stunning."

Becky looked calm, "While I'd thank you for the compliment, I'd much rather dissect you."

Rob sighed, "Why do they always say that to me?"

Monica stepped forward, "Hi, I'm Monica." She then started glaring at Adam, "I'd really like to know why I didn't get an introduction thingy too."

"Because you didn't give me a sword," explained Adam as he attached a ninjato to his back

Nirali walked up next, "I'm Nirali, and I love two things. Harry potter and Rj Cepok."

Across the room, Rj moved to a sitting position, "JUST WHO THE HELL IS THIS 'HARRY POTTER' GUY!"

"Fictional character, honey!" sang Nirali in a matter-of-fact voice

Seamus, who had been stalking the group by lying on his stomach, rolled over. He was now where he wanted to be...directly under Monica's skirt.

"I'm Seamus, but you can call me annoying." said Seamus from under Monica's skirt

Monica looked down and screamed before kicking Seamus with her high heels. Seamus got up and pulled the length of a heel out of his neck before eating the shoe whole. Monica screamed again and dived under a table.

"Why would I call you annoying?" asked Becky

"Because it's what Monica always calls me." said Seamus before he dived under the same table as Monica

Rj got into sitting position again, "I'm Rj Cepok, I'd get up to greet you, but SOMEBODY shot me last week!"

"I was trying to hit Nirali!" said Adam defensively

"YEAH, THE GIRL THAT I NOW LOVE!" yelled Rj back

"SHE WAS EATING YOUR ARM!"

"Well I love her now..." said Rj

"You know I could still shoot her if you want."

"You bastard!" yelled Rj, "Try it and I'll..."

"You'll what?"

"Fine, I'll let it go about you shooting me."

Adam turned back to Becky, "It's a good thing you screamed earlier or you might be dead right now."

"I didn't scream." explained Becky

"Then who..."

As Adam was talking, a shadow pulled itself out of Becky's back. It took shape and emitted a high pitched scream, just like the one from earlier. It's features finally started to become coherent to the eyes and then Kate took shape. She was clutching a Chibi Gir with both hands and spoke in a fake Gir impersonation as she put the Chibi Gir in front of Adam's face.

"Hi Adam, I'm Gir and I'm gonna sing the doom song!" said Kate

Adam looked at Becky questionably, "Did she go insane or something?"

"No, this is normal."

Rob stepped forward again and started eyeing Kate's...well everything. Becky, from behind Kate, made a throat cutting motion towards Rob, who backed off again.

Lauren stepped forward, "Wait, did Kate just appear out of nowhere?"

"Plot device." said Becky

"What?"

Adam pointed his gun at Lauren, "DO NOT QUESTION THE PLOT DEVICE!"

"DO NOT SHOOT ME!"

Monica rolled out from under the table, "Is the author really gonna re-use that line again?"

Everyone gasped and looked at Monica.

"What?" asked Monica, "...I just questioned the author, didn't I."

Adam's eyes turned into red lights, and a huge voice came through him, one that was not his own.

**"YOU HAVE QUESTIONED THE AUTHOR, YOU WILL DIE NEXT CHAPTER"**

Adam returned to normal and looked around to find everyone staring at him.

"Wait, why's everyone staring at me now?" asked Adam, "Did we finish introductions already?"

"Afraid not!" said a voice from behind them.

Seven alien men landed behind everyone, all wearing odd looking armor. A tall purple one stood in front of the rest, he had huge black horns, and spoke.

"Allow me to introduce myself, I am..." He and the rest of the men struck a pose, "CAPTAIN GINYU!"

Becky started towards to exit, "That's it, anything with these jokers and I'm outta here."

Crona walked out from behind the Ginyus, "The Ginyu force? I don't know how to interact with them..."

Becky literally flew over to Crona and hugged her while making an "EEEEEEE" noise.

Adam stood paralyzed as he looked at the Ginyus and then to Crona, then back again. He threw his head back in frustration.

"WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THIS FIC?"

Rob stepped out of his hiding place and jumped on Ginyu, hugging him while making a very awkward "EEEEEE" noise.

Jeice, the Australian Ginyu, walked up to Seamus.

"Oy, are you single?" asked Jeice

"I'm a boy." said Seamus

"Oh...so are you single?"

Seamus jumped on Jeice and started biting his neck.

Back with Becky and Crona, Crona was sweating and rubbing her arm in nervousness.

"I-i don't know how to interact with girls..."

"But I thought that you are a girl?" said Becky

"Even I'm not sure what I am..." said Crona

Becky pondered the question of Crona's gender for a moment, and then wheeled her leg back and kicked Crona in the crotch. Crona stood for a moment.

"I don't know how to interact with...ow..." said Crona as HE fell to the ground in immense pain

"It's a boy." said Becky with a smile

Ragnarok grew from Crona's back and started punching Becky.

"Get off of Crona you pipsqueak!" yelled the Chibi Ragnarok

Kate materialized partly from Becky's back, much like Ragnarok did for Crona.

"Get off of Becky you pipsqueak!" yelled the Half-Kate

The two Chibis started a fist fight, which ended when Kate pressed a button the Chibi Gir's back that shot fire at Ragnarok, evaporating him.

Back with the Ginyus, Rob was trying to join the Ginyu force.

"So I just sign here and I'm in?" asked Rob as he looked at the paper in his hand

"That's right." Said Captain Ginyu

Rob signed the paper and armor appeared on him.

"Now then, you _can_ follow our poses, right?" asked Ginyu

"Umm, no."

Ginyu's eyes went wide, "NO, YOU PEOPLE ARE TOO UNORGANIZED FOR ME, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO INTERACT WITH DISORGANISATION!"

"Isn't that my line?" asked Crona

The entire Ginyu force flew out the hole in the roof, except Jeice, who was partly eaten by Seamus.

Becky was still taking pictures of Crona with her phone when Stein appeared behind Crona.

"Sorry, I need to dissect this now." said Stein as he and Crona disappeared just as quickly as they arrived

"Aw man, I was gonna make him say lines from the series..." said Becky

A small white anteater with a top hat, a cane, and a tuxedo appeared where Crona had been.

"_FOOL_, you still have me!" exclaimed Excalibur

Becky was paralyzed in terror, her worst nightmare come true, she had only one thing to say.

"You should have been a filler!"

Across the room, Adam's eyes turned red, this time from the W-virus reacting to his own rage, "Did you say _filler_?"

Adam teleported in front of Excalibur, "FILLER?"

"_FOOL!_" exclaimed Excalibur, "I am not a fill-"

His words were cut off as Adam started punching Excalibur, "FILLER!"

Excalibur started bleeding, his blood sang the Excalibur song.

"FILLER! **FILLER!"** cried Adam as Excalibur started to hemorrhage from blood filling his lungs.

Becky shrugged her shoulders and joined in, "FILLER!"

"_FOOLS_!" said Excalibur with the last of the air in his blood-filled lungs just as he slipped into unconsciousness

A sudden loud noise outside the barricade made everyone turn in that direction, the barricade buckled under another blow from the noise's creator. Rob started playing eerie music from an ipod speaker.

"What is that?" said Nirali

"Dunno, someone should go check it out." said Rj

Becky started towards the barricade when Kate materialized out of her back again, "Don't go Becky, it might be dangerous!"

"Sorry Kate, but better me than you going into danger." said Becky as she continued towards the barricade

"Wait, at least take this!" begged Kate as she offered the Chibi Gir to Becky.

Becky pushed the Gir back into Kate's hands, " You need it more than I do."

Kate's eyes filled with tears and grew even wider than they were before as she hugged Becky.

Rob looked confused, "I don't get it, was that supposed to be funny?"

"Wait Becky!" said Adam, "Let's not go running off without a plan."

"Well I suppose that you're..." Becky lost her words as Seamus ran past her and up to Rob, stealing his Ipod and speaker.

"I'll go, but I need this song." explained Seamus as he pressed a button

_"Can't beat my, can't beat, no they can't beat my Brooklyn Rage. I don't wanna be a furry!"_

"What is this song!" exclaimed Adam, "It's beautiful!"

Everyone stared at Adam questioningly.

"What, I'm not allowed to like stuff?" asked an offended Adam

"Not in this fic, no." explained Rob

Adam drew his shotgun and pointed it at Rob.

"Once again, is that all you can do?" asked a calm Rob

"Grrrrrrr..."

"Did you say GIR?" asked an excited Kate

"No." plainly responded Adam

Seamus walked up to the door and turned back to everyone, "If I don't come back...kill my siblings."

And now my confused reader, prepare to enter the MIND OF THE SEAMUS!

Ω

Door, how do I open it...knob, right. Maybe I need a haircut, but my brain is in my hair...focus. Candy man can. Internet memes. CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES. What am I doing again? Thing behind the barricade, right. Big zombie, jump on it, eat it, gain it's power. DATTEBAYO MOTHERFUCKER!

Ω

Everyone was huddled in the farthest corner from the barricade as horrible sounds and internet memes came through the open barricade. Finally the noises stopped and an animal burp was heard.

"Oh no, it ate Seamus, I'm really gonna miss him." said Monica in a fake tone of concern

"No way in hell that anything could kill that guy." said Adam

Suddenly the barricade closed and Seamus appeared before them. He was wearing a suit, all of his acne was gone and his ponytail was down to his waist. He spoke in an English accent.

"Well ello maytes, 'ows everyone been a-doin'"?

Everyone screamed at once, terrified for obvious reasons. Except Rj, who was still immobile and on the other side of the room.

"What's going on, we won, right guys?" asked Rj over the screams, "Guys?"


	5. Chapter 5

Zombie Apocalypse

An Adam Wesker Crackfic/parody

Chapter 5: Seamus's awakening

Seamus looked to his left and then his right, then turned fully around and spun back to face everyone.

"What're you all screaming for?" asked Seamus, he lifted his arm and sniffed, "I don't smell that bad!"

Adam teleported in front of Seamus and wrapped his fingers around Seamus's neck. Seamus had no reaction, even as Adam lifted him off the ground by the throat. Seamus's eyes remained dull and uninterested.

"You know that's not really very polite." Said Seamus with a slight grin

Adam tightened his grip, "Just what the hell have you done with Seamus?"

"My dear sir, I AM Seamus, the one and only." Said Seamus, he looked past Adam at the others, "RJ, we've been friends for years, you recognize me don't you, even in this form?"

RJ nodded, "It's him, Adam, he was like this once before too."

Adam threw Seamus, intending to knock him onto the floor and look cool, but Seamus landed on his feet while keeping the rest of his body stationary throughout his flight. Adam turned from Seamus and towards RJ.

"When was he like this before? Under what circumstances?" asked Adam with apparent and deep curiosity

RJ looked down, lost in remembrance, "It was fourth grade, it was only for a second that he was like this, what had seemed to cause it was a stomach ache."

"A stomach ache?" Demanded Adam, "This makes no sense at all!"

"It was after I had eaten out of the garbage, what I had eaten was…well…the class hamster." Explained Seamus

"You sure you didn't smoke it?" questioned Becky

"How long are you gonna be using that line?" asked Adam

"As long as she wants!" exclaimed a partially materialized Kate who was hanging out of Becky's back

"It's because you consumed living flesh, isn't it?" asked Lauren, "That's the only relation between now and then."

"Fool!" exclaimed Adam, who then put a hand on his head in slight mental pain, "It's not from living flesh, it's from the G-virus that he consumed."

"You know more about this whole situation then you've told us, don't you, Adam." said Rob

"My father once worked with a man named William Birkin, Birkin was a virologist who helped in the creation of the T-virus, which caused the biohazard outbreak in 1998 in Raccoon city." Adam looked at Seamus with interest, "Birkin developed another virus, and called it the G-virus, G had profound mutagenic capabilities. It never was a part of an outbreak, until recently that is, when it was accidentally released into the world by Robert Mercer, who I killed the other day."

Everyone looked at Seamus with the same interest that Adam's eyes had held a moment ago, Seamus blushed a little.

"I'm not used to having everyone staring at me, it's so embarrassing." Said Seamus as he turned away from shame

"What will happen to him?" asked Monica, who wanted some airtime before her predicted death at the hands of the author

Adam inhaled deeply.

"The G-virus greatly increases the host's metabolism, which accelerates cellular duplication and revitalization of dead cells. However, the continual destruction of mitochondria in the host's neurons causes an infected person to degrade to sub-human levels. The host exhibits animalistic behavior, loss of moral reasoning and memory, and becomes driven by self-preservation and recreation."

Monica looked scared, "W-what do you mean by 'Recreation'?"

"He'll seek out other people with similar genetic makeup and orally impregnate them with a parasitic G-virus embryo. Gross I know." Explained Adam, "But we don't know if he'll do that for sure, since Birkin was the only one to have ever been infected, we have only studies and observation of his behavior to go by."

"I don't want to become a monster!" said Seamus as he buried his face in his palms, "I just want to be me!"

Adam drew his ninjato and walked to Seamus, raising the sword high over his head, "I'm sorry Seamus, but this has to be done."

Adam raised the blade even higher and cut the tip of Seamus's index finger. He quickly drew a vial from his sleeve and caught the blood droplet in it.

"Oh." Said Seamus as he sucked the tip of his cut finger

"Now I can examine the blood properly." Said Adam as he chuckled from the memory of Seamus's terrified face

Adam looked at the vial and then threw it at Rob, the vial breaking on him and the blood getting on his shirt.

"Dude what the fuck!" cried Rob, "Now I'm infected too!"

"FOOL!" said Adam, Becky face-palmed in the background, "This is much different from the T-virus, it is not transmitted through bodily fluids like blood or saliva, you could sleep with Seamus and still not be infected."

"Still," complained Rob as he wiped his shirt, "This was my good shirt."

"Seamus." Said Adam with a smile, "I know what's happened to you."

"What?" demanded Seamus, "What is it?"

"You've successfully bonded with the G-virus, this is totally unprecedented!" excitedly cried Adam, "You will not mutate as long you don't take any significant physical damage."

As Adam explained Seamus's condition, a small tentacle grew from the cut on Seamus's hand. Seamus quickly pulled his finger out from his mouth as the tentacle wrapped itself around Seamus's tongue.

"Ow re ou onna eal ith his?" Said Seamus

"Someone find some duct tape for Seamus's tentacle!" said Adam, "If it continues growing, the virus might take over his body!"

Nirali ran forward to Seamus and quickly duct taped his finger, the tentacle receded into his finger.

Adam smirked and walked up to Seamus.

"Hey Seamus," said Adam as he repressed a laugh, "Do you have a virus?"

"Yes, you know I have a-"

"Is it AIDs?" asked Adam as he burst out laughing and fell to the floor

"Hey, that's not nice, he has a serious problem!" said Rob

"Yeah, he could die from this!" added RJ

Adam stopped rolling on the floor and got up, "So it's a tragedy when he gets infected, but it's okay to joke about my virus?"

Adam walked away while muttering to himself, "Fucking humans, always picking on the guy with the trench coat."

"Seamus, do you think that the G-virus will have any cool side effects like AIDs had for Adam?" questioned RJ

"I DON'T HAVE AIDS, YOU ASSHOLE!"

"Maybe it will, maybe it won't." said Seamus

"HIS HAIR IS DOWN TO HIS WAIST AND HE HAS AN ACCENT, AREN'T THOSE SIDE EFFECTS TOO?" yelled Adam

"Nah, side effects have to be some kind of ability that the person didn't have before." Explained RJ matter-of-factly

"HOW ABOUT HIS COGNITIVE ABILITY!" yelled Adam in frustration, "HE CAN THINK NOW, CAN'T HE?"

"Why are you yelling so much?" asked Becky, "It's making your lines appear in caps!"

"Okay," huffed Adam, "I'm better now."

"This chapter isn't going to be very funny, is it." Asked Rob

"No," started Adam, "I think this chapter is meant to inform the reader on the technicalities of the viruses and give some sanity to the story, plus it made that reference to the Adam vs. Bobert fic that came before this one. This reference was possibly intended to reassure fans of that story that this _is_ a sequel and therefore-"

"Okay I understand all of what you've said except this: the original had fans?" questioned Becky

"Now that was just mean." Responded Adam, "Of course it had fans…I think."

"Anyway, as I was saying, this chapter is probably supposed to introduce some storyline and, aww fuck this!" exclaimed Adam, "Make something cool happen, Author!"

Just as Adam finished his sentence, a giant laser shot from Seamus's forehead, searing a hole in the wall, and the wall after that one.

"Holy crap laser-face." Said Rob in a weak voice

Seamus rubbed his head and looked at everyone, "Why are you people staring at me again!"

"Seamus, you just shot a laser out of your head!" said RJ in a surprised voice, "Didn't you notice that?"

"Nope, I was too busy wondering how the author's going to kill Monica." Said Seamus with total sincerity

"HEY!" cried Monica, "I'm not going to die!"

"The author said you would, get used to it!" said Seamus, "And you deserve it for calling the old me annoying!"

"YOU WERE PEEPING UNDER MY SKIRT!" yelled Monica defensively

"And I apologize for that…just kidding!" said Seamus, behind him, his ponytail shrunk down to half way up his back.

"Looks like he's getting stupid again…" said Adam, "I wonder what this means for the virus inside him."

"Enough virus crap!" yelled Nirali, "It's SO boring to listen to you lecture us!"

Adam drew his gun and pointed it at Nirali, "This time, I'll make sure that I don't miss."

"Once again is that all you can-" started Rob

"SHUT THE FUCK UP ROB!" yelled Adam as he cocked his gun

"ADAM YOU BASTARD, I'LL KILL YOU!" yelled RJ from the other side of the room

Adam squeezed the trigger and was about to fire when a giant form fell through the hole in the roof and landed in between Adam and Nirali. It got up and uncoiled itself, a giant white snake.

"Okay, I'll kill you later Nirali, bigger problems right now." Said Adam as he redirected his aim to the serpent's head

The snake's mouth opened and out popped Orochimaru, "Perfect, now I'll take over your body and…where the hell am I?" said a confused Orochimaru

Orochimaru looked around at the group and face-palmed, "I got sealed into another dimension by that bastard, didn't I?"

"What the fuck is going on here?" thought Rob out loud, "Why do anime people keep showing up here?"

Orochimaru looked at Rob with hungry eyes, "It was the work of Bobert, the bastard has been traveling into different dimensions and trying to take a different power from each he visits."

"He's still alive!" exclaimed Adam, "How the hell is that possible? I killed him myself, I watched him die!"

"Well you didn't do a very good job, because he's still alive and kicking, our asses that is." Explained Orochimaru

"Are you going to help us?" asked Becky, "Or should we kill you?"

"Pathetic human girl, you have no chance against me!" cried Orochimaru, "I've mastered over 100,000 jutsus and have never been defeated in battle!"

"Learn this jutsu!" said Adam as he shot Orochimaru in the head, "It's called 'I just killed Michael Jackson, oh wait, no it was the anime pedophile no jutsu'!"

"Well, I guess that's all for this chapter." Said Rob

"Aren't we forgetting something?" questioned Lauren as the dead snake's body crushed Monica in the background


	6. Chapter 6

Zombie Apocalypse

An Adam Wesker Crackfic/parody

Chapter 6: Back into the portal

Adam Wesker paced across the cafeteria. Back and forth he walked, muttering to himself mostly with some of his word becoming audible when he lost control of his voice.

"Why's he alive?" muttered Adam, "I killed him, I know i did!"

On the other side of the room, Becky and Kate were making dinner from Orochimaru's dead summoning snake. Becky was slashing juicy chunks of snake meat out of the main carcass with her ninjato while Kate was roasting the meat with the Chibi Gir's flamethrower.

"Do you think he's okay Becky?" asked Kate, "Adam, I mean, he's been pacing ever since he killed that snake guy that looked like Michael Jackson."

"He'll be fine, he's probably just trying to figure out how Bobert survived." explained Becky, "You should worry less."

"Maybe you should worry more." responded Kate

Rob walked across the room to Adam and tried to obstruct his pacing to get his attention.

"What's wrong man, you've been pacing for an hour." said Rob

"I want to know why Bobert didn't die." said Adam candidly, "But I have no idea where to start looking for clues as to how he survived, or where to find Bobert himself."

"What about the portal," Suggested Rob, "Orochimaru-sama said Bobert was in his dimension so he must have used the portal to get there."

"Well I suppose...wait, did you just call him Orochimaru -_sama_?_"_

"So what if I did, that doesn't matter!"

"Well it matters to me!" said Adam with a tone of envy in his voice

"You're jealous that you don't get a sama at the end of your name, aren't you." deduced Rob

"NO!" denied Adam, "...okay maybe a little. But that doesn't matter right now."

Adam turned to Seamus, "Hey G-seamus, want to go outside the barricade again to get something for me?"

"My dear friend, I am not the simpleton that I was the last time I ventured out of this room." explained G-seamus, "I will not risk losing control of the G-virus inside me by going into a dangerous situation and getting injured."

"So that's a 'no'?"

"Fuck yourself Wesker, you know damned well what I just said." countered G-seamus

"I know that some of the old Seamus is still in there, hiding behind some sub-conscience wall that you've set up." explained Adam, "I'll give you candy if you do this for me!"

G-seamus shook his head while laughing, "If you think that something like that will have any effect on me then you're terribly...did you say candy?"

"Yes Seamus, C-A-N-D-Y, your favorite thing to eat!" said Adam with excitement as he saw a bit of the old Seamus returning

G-seamus's ponytail shortened again and he smiled, quickly sprinting towards the barricade. He easily opened the huge barricade doors with one hand thanks to the G-virus.

And now my confused reader, prepare to enter THE MIND OF THE...Nah just kidding with you.

"You're planning on leaving me here, aren't you?" said RJ in a quiet voice

Adam turned around in surprise, "Why would I...oh right, you can't walk yet."

RJ looked to the ground in disappointment, Nirali clinging to him like a tick.

"Well I'm staying with him!" exclaimed Nirali defensively

"Fine by me, I was going to kill you last chapter anyway." said Adam dryly

"Hey, we can't just leave them here!" protested Lauren, "They'd run out of food from the cafeteria storage within 3 days!"

"Then, in order for them to survive, we'd need to find Bobert within that time."

"Three days time..." said Rob in a reassuring voice, "We'll be back for you two, don't you dare die on us!"

"Actually they could survive for another week or so without food, they'd have water too, it's not like the sink will stop working as long as the backup generator holds out."

"But who knows how long that'll last!" said Lauren

"I do." said Rob, "The generator tells you how much longer it will last right here on the top of it."

The top of the generator read '4 weeks' in big bold letters.

"Wow, I never noticed that." said Seamus, "By the way I'm back."

"Oh hai thar!" said Rob, "Did you find anything useful?"

"Not much, just this metal Frisbee." explained Seamus

Seamus's ponytail grew longer again, "As for what it is, I'd say that it's some kind of projection system, but as to what it might project, I haven't the slightest clue."

"Oh G-seamus is back, how lovely." said Adam with a growl

"Bite me, asshole." countered G-seamus while he folded his arms

Meanwhile, Becky and Kate had finished making dinner and joined the conversation.

"Hi guys, we made dinner for like the next, like, year lawl." said Kate

"Yuppers, now what're we doing?" asked Becky, "Going after Bobert or staying?"

"I'M going after Bobert, this fight doesn't involve any of you." said Adam harshly

"Bobert caused Orochimaru to enter our cafeteria and attack us, are you saying that that wasn't intentional on Bobert's part?" questioned Becky

"So what, it's not like anyone died...oh right, Monica."

RJ got into a sitting position, "First you want to leave Nirali and me behind, now you want to leave everyone behind?"

"In a way, yes, yes I do."

"You DO remember how strong Bobert was the last time you two fought?" explained RJ, "You needed the W-virus multiplied by, what, SEVEN just to stand a chance against him!"

"Look, I punched a hole in the guy's chest." explained Adam, "He's probably not as strong as he was before, and besides that, I'm planning on stopping in the Resident Evil dimension for some new upgrades to the W-virus."

"How are you going to do that?" questioned Rob, "Last we checked, the Resident Evil dimension was still in the middle of the Raccoon city outbreak!"

"I have a contact who's riding out the storm of Raccoon city, he's even prepared for the U.S. government's sterilization of the entire city." explained Adam

"I'm sure that he's still alive and doing his research," added Becky, "It would take a lot more than a zombie outbreak and a nuclear bomb to kill Pete."

"Adam's contact is your brother?" asked Rob, "Cool."

"Yes, he's my brother, which gives me the right to go with you through the portal." added Becky with a victorious tone in her voice

"FINE," agreed Adam, "But nobody else!"

G-seamus stepped forward, "If this Pete chap is a researcher, then he might be able to find a way for me to control the G-virus more efficiently, or even cure it! I'm in too."

Adam's eyes changed color to red again, "No way in hell G-seamus!"

"But if you leave me like this and I die because of the G-virus, then you'd be killing old Seamus along with me!" G-seamus pointed out

Adam growled in frustration, but nodded as G-seamus joined him and Becky in front of the barricade.

"Great, now does anyone else want to help ruin my day?" asked Adam

"Actually yes, I do." Said Rob, "I have a feeling that the person I was looking for before joining you guys is in one of those dimensions that you were talking about. But I'll join you for your quest into the Resident Evil dimension first."

"Fair enough, but what will you do after helping us?" questioned Adam

"I'll leave you guys behind to find her, then maybe, once I discover her fate, I'll regroup with you guys."

"You sound like a cheesy romance novel," stated Adam, "You'd better leave soon after we're done, if you're gonna start talking like that again."

"What about me?" asked Lauren, "Can't I come too?"

"No."

"But why?"

"Oh fine, but just because I'll need another character to kill off to make this more interesting." Said Adam

"You sound like the Author…" said Kate, "The Author killed Monica…I'll be keeping an eye on you, Wesker."

With that, Kate flew into Becky's back again, "Ready for travel, Becky!"

"Alright, let's get going." Said Rob as he threw the portal disc onto the ground

The disc vibrated across the floor for a moment before projecting a blue sphere in the space above itself.

"Everyone ready?" asked Adam, "Then let's go!"

Kate partially materialized out of Becky's back, "ROADTRIP!"

"Maybe we should sing a song?" suggested Becky, "Like maybe…"

"I KNOW ONE!" yelled Rob, "Popopoipo, popopopipo!"

"Oh will someone just gag him!" yelled G-seamus as he covered his ears

"No, you're going to listen to that the entire time." said Adam with a sadistic grin

"Damnit."

The group stepped into the portal one by one, each disappearing into the unknown. Entering the portal hurt, veins of pain ran up each person's arm, searing them as they were dematerialized and rematerialized again on the other side.

"Damn that hurt a lot." said Rob as he got up with a groan

"Tell me about it, I think my hair got burnt!" said G-seamus as he tended to his smoldering ponytail

"Why do I feel like my skin got ripped off and then sewn back on?" asked Becky as she rubbed her arms

"I didn't feel a thing! :D" said Kate as she materialized out of Becky's back

"How did you just make a face with your voice?" questioned Adam

"Plot device?"

"Too many of those in this fic..."

The group looked ahead of themselves, into the burning chaos of Raccoon city. The Arklay mountains looming in the background like giant rock formations. Zombies shuffled around in the streets, bumping into cars and walking into fires like the dumbasses they are.

"My father's here somewhere," said Adam, "Whatever, we've got something more important to do."

"Right, we need to stop Bobert's quest for world domination through his assimilation of powers from all dimensions." reminded Becky

"Wait, but you weren't even in the original story, how would you know the plot?" asked G-seamus

"Oh, I was there, you just didn't notice me 'cause I'm a ninja." explained Becky

"YAAAAAAAAY NINJAS!" said Kate from behind Becky

"Thank you, Kate."

"Adam, where exactly is this Pete fellow located?" asked G-seamus

Adam pointed at a large building, "There, he's in an underground/underwater/underatmosphere/amphibious/selfsustaining/selfreplicating/fireproof/waterproof/zombieproof/nukeproof/researchdedicated/survivalfocused base. AND it has a hot-tub!"

"Damn I want his job." complained Rob

"Will he be able to cure my G-virus?" asked G-seamus

"Maybe." lied Adam, who knew full well that the G-virus was incurable

As they talked, a small creature snuck up behind the group and, ever so slowly, crawled closer. The figure jumped onto Adam's back, claws wrapping around his throat.

The creature spoke in a low Australian accent, "Don't move, mate."

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" said Rob as he gasped in terror

Lauren put her hands over her head, Rob stood there with his mouth gaping, Becky drew her ninjato and took a defensive stance.

"Are you Adam Wesker?" questioned the creature, who was wrapped in black leather.

"I am, and you were sent by Pete to guide us through the city." said Adam

"You're good, not as good as Pete-sama, but still good." said the figure as he jumped off of Adam

The figure stood in the middle of the group, and took off its facemask revealing it's small black eyes, fluffy ears, and cute nose.

"IT'S A KOALA?" yelled everyone at once, Kate fainted in the background

"Yes, now with that aside, let's go." said the Koala

"It's so CUTE!" said Lauren as she tried to hug the animal, who kicked her in the face and sent her sprawling across the ground

"Can I kill that one?" asked the Koala, "She seems bothersome."

Adam shrugged, "Whatever gets us to Pete's base faster."

The Koala shrugged in return and started towards the large building where Pete was hidden.

Inside the base, Pete leaned back into his chair and groaned before leaning back towards the specimen he had strapped to the table in front of him. The small rat made a squeaking noise as Pete placed a microchip into its skull. Pete released the straps and the rat stood up on its hind legs, facing the researcher.

"Now, my creation, go get me a soda." commanded Pete

The rat hopped off the table and ran into the room next door and, with much effort, dragged a bottle of Coke onto the table.

"FOOL!" exclaimed Pete as he slapped the Coke off the table

Pete picked the rat up by the tiny scruff of its neck and threw it into a pit filled with cats. He turned back towards his work table and looked out the window at the group of teenagers walking through the last of seven defense walls, being led by his Koala assassin.

"I wanted Dr. Pepper." said Pete as he got ready for his big entrance scene into the fic, where he'd be seen for the first time by the reader and...crap I already did that, didn't I? Don't answer that!


	7. Chapter 7

Zombie Apocalypse

An Adam Wesker Crackfic/parody

Chapter 7: Raccoon City…again

"All right mates, quit your yammering, here's your stop." Said the Koala with a tone of annoyance

"FINALLY!" complained Rob, "My feet are killing me!"

The Koala waddled up to a terminal in front of the last gate, the largest of the seven. The gate was 50 feet of solid metal. The Koala presented its face to the scanner, which recognized him and opened the massive gate.

"This Pete chap really takes defense seriously, doesn't he?" said G-seamus

"Pete-sama has made every possible preparation to indefinitely defend his life and research from both the jaws of the infected, and the government's sterilization plan." The Koala explained

The group walked through the first security door, and then through the second, and then through the third…and then through a lot more. So very many more that the Author needed to take a break, so he put in a three dot marker to show the reader that time has passed.

…

You see that shit! SEVENTY SECURITY GATES CAUSED THAT!

"And here we are, Pete-sama's office room." Said the Koala, "I'll be outside, Pete-sama requested that this meeting be private."

The large black chair in front of them quickly turned, revealing a tall teenager with black hair wearing a scientist coat.

"I have been expecting you." Said Pete

"I've always wanted to say that!" whispered Becky to Kate, who was partially materialized and hiding behind Becky

"Now then how may I be of service to…" Pete surveyed the group, "Oh damnit, it's you people. Adam, you said that you'd be alone and we could get this done quickly!"

"There were some…complications." Explained Adam, "But I am here, as promised."

Pete looked at the group with slight annoyance, "FINE, let's just get this over with."

"What exactly did you promise my brother?" asked Becky

"Well, back when I was fighting Bobert the first time around, I found Pete in this dimension, he was the one who supplied me with the W-virus originally."

"But you said it was your father!" said Lauren

"I did inherit the virus from my father, but it was dormant." Explained Adam, "The sample that Pete gave me was able to awaken it."

"And in return?" asked Becky

"I promised him a sample of the G-virus."

Everyone stared at G-seamus, who looked rather worried.

"I had intended to bring in an infected insect or small animal, but the opportunity never presented itself." Said Adam, "So G-seamus is the next best thing."

"Even better!" said Pete with delight, "A living human that has bonded with the G-virus!"

"Now wait just a minute!" protested G-seamus, "I didn't volunteer for this!"

"Seamus, you wanted to find out if Pete would have a way to control your virus." Countered Adam, "So you did volunteer in a way."

"Don't worry about it," said Pete innocently, "The experiments won't hurt…wait, no, they will!"

Cue maniacal laughter, cue dramatic reaction faces from the victim.

"Now that we've gotten this unpleasantness out of the way, why don't you all have a breath mint." Offered Pete, "Your breath smells like bad writing."

"Don't take those," said Becky, "Knowing Pete, they'll explode or something stupid like that."

"Damnit Becky, this is why I hate having people who understand my tactics around!" said Pete angrily

"Pssshhhhh, you'll get over it." Responded Becky with a smirk

"Sir, we have a problem!" yelled the Koala from outside the room

"What?" exclaimed Pete, "What kind of problem!"

"t-103, standard issue Tyrant, it's jumping across the gates!"

"Is that it?" said Pete with a sigh of relief, "That's nothing my dual 13mm handguns can't handle!"

"Dude, that was totally not relevant." Said Rob

"Shut up human."

"Aren't you human too?"

"Not entirely, I injected myself with the T-virus earlier today just to see what might happen." Explained Pete

"That sounds…"

"Really, really, fucking stupid, I know." Said Pete with a frown, "Well shame on me for being spontaneous!"

Outside, the t-103, a giant bald man in a trench coat, was jumping onto the seventh wall. It leapt down and ran through the first security door, then it stopped and looked at the 69 others in its way before turning around and deciding it would be more effective to climb the side of the building and break a window.

"We need to do something about that thing!" exclaimed a worried G-seamus, who started towards the door

"Pete, what about our deal!" yelled Adam, "Give me the upgraded virus you designed using the data that I gathered from my father's notebook!"

"Not yet Adam," said Pete as he looked out the window at the t-103, "I'd like to have some fun first, if you'd like to join me then I'll be a gracious host."

With those words, Pete opened the window next to him and leapt out. He wrapped his hand around the t-103's neck on the way down, pulling the monster with him. During the fall, Pete positioned himself so that when they hit the ground, he would be standing on the t-103's chest. The two hit the concrete ground with a thud. Pete pulled his 13mm pistols out and started dishing out shots into the t-103's head at point blank range.

"He's good, but he can't kill that thing alone." Said Adam as he started towards the door, "Let's help him out!"

"Damn right he can't kill that thing," said Rob, "Took me 27 restarts to kill that thing in Resident Evil 2."

"I'm gonna stay here, there's something I need to find before I help you guys out." Explained Becky as she ran off into a hallway and disappeared from sight

"Alright, at least I still have Seamus to help, right Seamus?" said Adam hopefully

"You sold me to a possibly insane bio-researcher, and now you expect me to help you?"

"What do you mean by 'possibly insane'?" asked Adam, "He's fucking crazy!"

"Either way, I'm not going to risk getting injured and losing control of the G-virus."

"Don't worry Adam, I'll help you!" said Rob with a creepy smile

"Ohhhhh, you can stay here and make sure G-seamus doesn't break his nails." Said Adam as he jumped out the same window as Pete

Pete flew backwards in the air as the t-103 backhanded him in the chest, he did a flip using the energy transferred through the t-103's attack and landed on his feet.

"Is this really the best that Umbrella's Biological Weapons division can do?" taunted Pete

The t-103 leaned forward and charged at Pete, then slid under him, grabbing his leg in the process. The t-103 swung Pete in the air like he was an Irish flag on St. Patty's day. Pete grunted as he tried to pull off a few shots at the giant's head, most of which harmlessly hit the Tyrant's bulletproof trench coat.

"Damned monster!" cried Pete as the t-103 let go of his leg, sending him flying into the wall of the building. Pete hit the ground hard, and was knocked unconscious briefly. Adam landed on the ground next to Pete and was reaching to help him up when Pete's arm grew in size and then turned into a massive bone blade, with many razor sharp smaller blades growing from it.

"What the hell?" said Adam, "Oh right, he injected himself with the T-virus earlier for no apparent reason."

Pete got up to his feet, his body leaning to the side with the bone blade, "Alright, let's finish this already."

Becky ran down the hallway and took a sharp left, her bare feet making no noise as she ran. Next to her, the Koala followed.

"Where are you going?" said the Koala

"I need to find Pete's dimensional research lab!" explained Becky, "Do you know where it is?"

"Take the next left," said the Koala as they turned, "What do you need it for?"

"I'll need some new weapons if I'm going to fight a high powered enemy like Bobert."

"Alright, fair enough." Said the Koala, "Next right, the red door marked 'Radiation'. Pete-sama put that on the door so nobody would try and enter out of curiosity."

The two stopped in front of the door, Becky turned to the Koala, "Can you stay out here for a minute?"

"Fine, but whatever you're going to do had better be enough to help Pete-sama!"

Becky walked into the room and closed the door behind her, Kate materialized totally from her back and stood next to Becky.

"You ready?" asked Becky

"Yeah."

"So…" said Rob awkwardly, "You're name's G-seamus now, right?"

"That's correct." Said G-seamus, "And yours is Rob, right?"

"Dude, you already knew that."

"Nah, the old me just never paid enough attention to you to take note of your name."

"You're all smart now," said Rob, "Does that mean that we're on the same intellectual level?"

"My dear, Rob was it?"

"Yeah."

"My dear Rob, you and I will never be on the same level."

"I've got candy."

"CANDY?"

Adam teleported in front of the t-103 and drew his shotgun, blasting the giant in the head, staggering it. Pete charged forward and thrust his bone blade arm into the t-103's chest, not stopping for a second, and rammed the giant into the metal defense wall, pinning it in place. Adam jumped into the t-103's shoulders and relentlessly blasted it in the face with his shotgun. The t-103 hung it's head for a second, before reviving and breaking part of Pete's bone blade arm, freeing itself. It then proceeded to grab Adam's legs and slam him into the concrete ground.

"That REALLY hurt ya know." Said Adam as he twisted on the ground, forcing the t-103 to let go of his legs

"What's the plan, nothing's getting through to him!" asked Pete as his bone blade arm regenerated

Seamus, who had regained control of his body from G-seamus after Rob mentioned candy, landed behind Pete and Adam. He ran forward and tackled the t-103 into the metal wall, breaking a hole in it.

"MY WALL!" yelled Pete in distress

Seamus punched the t-103 in the nose, before pulling the Chibi Gir from his pocket and roasted the t-103's body.

"How'd you get that from Kate?" asked Adam

"I pick pocketed her." Explained Seamus

"But she was in the plot device on Becky's back, and you weren't even in control of your body until a few seconds ago!" said Adam

"I'm just that good."

As they talked, the t-103's trench coat burnt off. The coat's actual purpose is to suppress the T-virus inside the Tyrant, with it burnt off, the t-103 transformed. It grew a few feet in height, grew large claws on its hands, and developed boney armor on its chest.

"Oh shit," Said Pete as he took a defensive stance, with his bone arm wrapped around his body like armor

"This is bad," said Adam as he noticed the t-103's mutation, "Really, REALLY BAD!"

Seamus ran towards the Tyrant and kicked him into an intact section of the wall, Seamus then sucked in a breath and then shot a laser from his face, this one much larger than the one from before. The giant blue laser engulfed the Tyrant, and shot through all seven defense walls after it.

"Well great, you killed the Tyrant, but you've rung the dinner bell for every infected creature in the city." Said Pete as he clapped, "Good work. Very good work."

"Don't be so hard on him Pete," protested Adam, "He was just protecting us."

"I really don't want to talk to you Mr. Rob," said a newly restored G-seamus, "I find your voice quite…where the hell am I?"

Adam smiled, "The old Seamus took you over and…" Adam stopped talked and stared at something behind G-seamus

"And what?" asked G-seamus, "Why do you look so surprised?"

Behind G-seamus, the t-103 got back up and raised its clawed arm over its head.

"It's right behind me isn't it?" said G-seamus just as the back of the Tyrant's clawed hand connected with G-seamus's body, sending him flying into the building's wall.

"Crap, we're screwed!" said Adam as the Tyrant approached him and Pete

Pete fired his 13mm pistols at the Tyrant, but the shots bounced off its armored chest harmlessly. Suddenly, the sound of a door closing made Adam and Pete turn their heads.

Becky stood outside the door, panting.

"Why the hell do you have so many DOORS?" yelled Becky

"I thought it would be a nice catch for my building!" said Pete defensively

"Whatever," Said Becky, "Kate, let's do it."

"Got it Becky!" said Kate as she changed shape into a small metal shield, which landed in Becky's hand

Blades extended themselves from the edges of the small shield that Kate had turned into.

"What the hell is that?" asked Adam

"The result of Pete's research into the Soul Eater dimension!" explained Becky, "Now shut up and watch. You won't want to miss this."

Becky ran towards the Tyrant in a straight line, then jumped into the air over the giant. She positioned the Kate shield so that it embedded itself into the back of the Tyrant's neck.

"That's not all!" yelled Becky, "Defending blade!"

As Becky said those words, a green energy blade shot out of the Kate shield and cut its way down the Tyrant's back, severing it's spine all the way down. Becky jumped off the Tyrant's back and landed in front of it. The Tyrant flopped around like a gelatin figure, roaring in protest to its pain. Then the Tyrant's back half pulled itself back together and the giant got up, good as new.

"You just don't know when to give up, do you?" said Becky as she took a stance that placed the Kate shield's center in front of her body, "Ready Kate?"

"Anytime you are!" responded a voice from the shield

"SOUL RESONANCE!" yelled Becky and Kate

Becky started glowing green as she powered up an attack. The Tyrant cocked it's head to the side in curiosity.

"Take this, DEFENDING ATTACK!" cried Becky as a green sphere shot from the center of the Kate shield and passed through the Tyrant's armored skin.

A few seconds passed and the Tyrant started walking towards Becky again, then it started glowing green just as Becky had earlier. The Tyrant put its hands on its head and roared in pain.

"What did you do to it?" asked Pete

"I shot all of my and Kate's energy into its nervous system, short-circuiting it." Explained Becky, "At least it will start by short-circuiting it, then, when the creature's body can't handle the energy overload anymore, it will explode."

Just as Becky finished explaining her and Kate's new power, the Tyrant exploded into a mushroom cloud of green energy. The explosion send stinging winds at the three fighters, who all put their arms over their faces instinctively. Becky took a step towards the doors to go back inside when she started falling, losing her remaining energy in the first step. Kate materialized back into herself and caught Becky before she hit the ground.

"Let's go back inside then, shall we chaps?" said G-seamus who was already through the first 3 security doors

"You still need to complete your end of the deal we made!" said Adam as he and the others walked into the security door hallway

Three dots are needed once again.

…

Kate gently laid Becky onto a coach in Pete's office while Adam and Pete headed into the hallway to discuss their deal.

"It is finished, isn't it?" asked Adam as he eyed Pete's bone blade arm

"Yes, it's just in here." Explained Pete as he opened a door with his still human hand

Inside the room was thousands of glass cylinders, each one a different color. Pete walked up to one, which had a red color, and inserted it into a syringe gun.

"This might sting a little, or cause some searing." Said Pete as he jabbed Adam's arm with the needle

"And it has all the improvements I asked for?" questioned Adam, "Including the thing that stops my eyes from changing when I don't want them to?"

"Yes, yes, it's all in the virus." Reassured Pete, "But you really should have made sure of that before I injected you, seriously, dumb move."

"Yeah…wait, you didn't say that in a 'I'm mocking you because I just tricked you' way, did you?"

"No."

"Okay good, you almost had me for a second."

Pete pulled the needle out of Adam's arm and put the syringe gun away. Adam started to walk out the door when he turned around.

"By the way, and not like I care, but can't you just take a tissue sample from Seamus instead of keeping him here?" asked Adam

"You promised me an infected specimen." Said Pete plainly, "But I suppose I could just take a sample and implant the G-virus from that into one of my test animals instead of keeping G-seamus with me."

"Thank you Pete," said Adam, "But if you tell ANYONE that I stuck my neck out for G-seamus then I will hunt you down and end you!"

"Not a problem," said Pete, "Now please leave, the majority of the infected should have reached the first of the security doors by now thanks to Seamus's laser earlier, you'll want to get out of here before they break all the way through."

Pete took the sample from G-seamus and provided the group escape from the hordes via an underground escape tunnel. After that was done, Pete decided to have some down time in his office.

"You know Steve, I'm beginning to think that we should have made the base laser proof too." Said Pete to his Koala assassin

"That may have been a good idea, now if you'll excuse me, I need to go to the little Koala's room." Explained Steve the Koala as he walked out the door

Pete got up and lifted up a bag of cat food from one of his desk's drawers, he cradled it with the flat part of his bone blade arm, and pushed a button to open the cat pit with his other arm.

"Alright kitties, it's feeding ti-," Pete cut himself off as he noticed that the pit was empty, "Where the hell did my cats go?"

As Pete turned around he noticed his cats facing him, one with the test rat from earlier riding on its back.

"Oh, so you want to fight me?" asked Pete with an amused grin, "Well you'll have to get past my 13mm pistols!"

As Pete was about to pull out his pistol with his remaining human arm, that limb mutated too. His guns clattered to the floor loudly. Pete looked back to the cat and rat alliance and smiled again.

"It doesn't matter, I still have my bone blade arms!" as Pete pulled his new bone blade arm over his head to strike, it got stuck in the cat food bag.

"What the hell?" exclaimed Pete as he struggled to free his arm from the bag. In the process, he got his other arm caught as well.

Pete looked from his arms, to the cat and rat alliance, and then back to his arms.

"Well I'm rightly fucked, aren't I?" said Pete as the cats jumped to the attack after the rat's command


	8. Chapter 8

Zombie Apocalypse

An Adam Wesker Crackfic/parody

Chapter 8: Still in Raccoon city

The group walked out of the sewer tunnel that Pete had provided for their escape, the moans of the undead could still be heard even from three miles away.

"Wait, if the tunnel led us three miles away from Raccoon city, then how are we gonna get back to the portal?" asked Lauren

"We're not going back." Said Adam plainly

Everyone looked down in disappointment.

"Just kidding," Said Adam with a sadistic grin, "I've got the portal device right here."

Adam pulled the metal disc out from his trench coat inner pocket. He placed it on the ground and turned it on.

"Everyone ready?"

"Wait, where are we going?" asked Becky, "We still have no idea where Bobert is!"

Adam looked at Becky and then face palmed, "Damnit all, I forgot to use Pete's locating system to find which dimension Bobert's currently in!"

"You forgetful moron," said G-seamus, "Now we have to go back through the tunnel, and Pete may have already evacuated to a different location! You've stranded us here!"

"Let's just hurry up and go back to Pete's research facility." Said Rob, "You guys need to stop wasting time, imagine what RJ and Nirali are going through right now!"

...

RJ leaned himself up on a wall, and walked towards the food storage room, dragging one of his legs behind him. Suddenly his body started drifting to the right, he had lost balance.

"Nirali!" yelled RJ, "Nirali I'm leaning slowly to the right! Help me!"

Nirali walked out of the food storage room just as RJ hit the ground, his wounds opened again and he started screaming. Nirali ran over to him, grabbing the med kit on the way, and started wrapping him in bandages.

"Stop moving honey!" said Nirali

"Why," asked RJ, "What'll happen if I move?"

"Well, considering that you still have damage to your stomach from getting shot," started Nirali, "You might re-open that wound, and blood from your surface wounds will pour into your stomach, decreasing the acidity of your stomach and making it painful, if not impossible, to digest food. If that happens then you'll probably die from a terribly painful, starvation related death. Of you might even go into shock from the immense pain and die from that."

"But wouldn't blood _increase _the acidity of my stomach?" questioned RJ

"Oh you're right," said Nirali, "In that case you...holy crap!"

"What is it?" yelled RJ frantically, "Did blood start seeping into my stomach?"

"No, look!"

Across the room, the barricade was moving. A rotten hand pushed its way through a hole in the barricade, mutated G-virus tentacles grew from that arm, and wrapped around the half-assed doorknob that Rob had made for the barricade. The barricade opened more, revealing several more G-zombies behind the first one.

"What should we do?" screamed Nirali

"I don't know!" yelled RJ, "Maybe the Author will save us if we compliment him!"

A voice from the hole in the ceiling appeared, "Keep your worship crap to yourself! Who the hell do you think made those G-zombies attack you in the first place!"

RJ face palmed, "Damnit Author, why couldn't you be cool!"

"I am cool!" boomed the Author, "I just need to kill a character every few chapters to make things interesting!"

"I don't understand!"

The Author sighed in frustration, "Okay, listen! Remember Dragon ball z? It was awesome right?"

"Yeah, but I don't see how-"

"Remember when it got to, like, the 8th season, and when someone died, they just came back again using the dragon balls? Wasn't it when that started happening that the show became boring?"

RJ looked nervous, "I-I never watched Dragon ball z…"

There was a pause, "Now I HAVE to kill you!"

Nirali leaned her weight into a lunch table and started pushing it towards the barricade, as she did; the first G-zombie broke through. Nirali abandoned the table and dragged RJ into the food storage room; she locked the door as soon as she put RJ into the room, and then turned to face the G-zombies. RJ was screaming and clawing at the door.

"Sorry RJ, but it's better this way." Explained Nirali calmly, "I'll lead them away from this room, and you'll get double the food since I'm not there."

Tears ran down Nirali's cheeks as she ran past the G-zombies and into the hallway. The G-zombies followed her and left the Cafeteria, and RJ, alone again.

RJ screamed Nirali's name one last time before he hung his head in defeat. Then he looked around at the food and smiled before he started eating.

"Was that bit supposed to be funny?" asked the Author rhetorically, "I don't know, I just wrote it."

"I'm the only serious character in this fic." Explained Nirali, "That's the joke."

...

The group walked down the tunnel, taking their pace at a moderate speed to save energy. Two miles into the tunnel, the group was forced to stop. A large portion of the tunnel's roof had been collapsed by a large, mutated worm. The worm itself was dead, its remains covered parts of the wreckage.

"Gross, why's the rock pink and wet?" said Kate, "It's like someone dumped a bunch of strawberry ice cream down here. Wait, maybe it IS ice cream! :D"

"How does she keep putting faces into her words?" asked Rob, who was watching as Kate devoured the 'ice cream'

"Kate, I really doubt that's ice cream!" said Becky with a tone of concern

"Kate," started Adam, "You're eating a giant worm; actually you might have just been infected with the T-virus."

Kate stopped to look at everyone and then kept eating, "Then why does it taste just like strawberry ice cream?" she said through a mouthful of worm meat

"Because some ice cream manufacturers used to use worm extract in ice cream." explained G-seamus

Kate immediately threw up all over G-seamus, who in turn threw up on Rob, who in turn threw up on Lauren, who threw up on Adam.

"Wow, lucky Me." said Becky as she started climbing out of the tunnel through the hole made by the worm, "I'm not covered in vomit."

"Oh yeah, and Rob," said Adam, "You'll want to get that stuff off yourself; it might have the T-virus in it."

Rob leapt into the water of the sewer; he was quickly followed by Lauren and G-seamus. Kate glanced around, when she saw that nobody was looking she quickly put another piece of worm meat in her pocket.

"Alright, let's get to Pete's facilit…holy shit." Said Adam as he saw the massive horde of zombies that lay in their path

Rob spoke in a whisper, "Nobody...move...a muscle, a zombie's vision is based on movement."

"Good plan," whispered Adam, "Here's a better one, RUN, FUCKING RUN!"

Every zombie in the city started to converge on their location at once. Rob stayed still.

"You go ahead and run, I'll stay still and the T-rex will ignore me..." Rob stopped and thought for a second, "Ah shit!"

Suddenly G-seamus started screaming; everyone covered their ears and turned to look at him. He was bent in pain, his hands on the back of his head. G-seamus collapsed to the ground with a thud; Rob ran up and rolled him over. G-seamus had several small, hair-like tentacles forcing their way from the back of his head.

"He's mutating!" cried Rob, "We have to do something!"

Adam picked G-seamus up and put him on Rob's shoulders.

"What the hell?"

"I sure as hell ain't carrying the mutating G-virus host." Explained Adam

"Pete probably was doing research into the G-virus," suggested Becky, "We can try to treat G-seamus once we get there."

The group ran down the street, but was at once stopped by the approaching zombie hordes. Becky stepped in front of the others.

"Kate!"

"Got it."

Kate flew from Becky's back and into her hand, materializing as the Kate shield. Becky slammed the Kate shield into the ground.

"Defensive Borderline!"

A huge green wall of energy grew from the Kate shield, blocking the horde's path. Several zombies reached the energy wall and bounced off of it as they dumbly tried to continue, completely oblivious to the wall's presence. Kate changed back into her human form and followed the rest of the group.

"Good work," said Adam, "Now let's go!"

Adam led them into an alley, which led out into another side street. Pete's research facility loomed before the group, the path to the building was mostly clear aside from a few zombies who were only torsos dragging themselves toward the rest of their kin on the street.

"How are we going to get in without the Koala guy?" asked Lauren frantically

"Name's Steve." Said the Koala, who was sitting on top of G-seamus's unconscious body, "And you could just walk through the giant laser hole in the defense walls."

"Steve, we still need to use Pete's facility." Explained Adam

"I thought you said you had done everything you intended to do."

"Well, I kinda…It doesn't matter!" said Adam hurriedly, "Is Pete still there?"

"I'm afraid that Pete-sama has disappeared." Said Steve with a frown, "All I could find was a bag of torn cat food in his office, I have no idea whether he's dead or alive."

Steve jumped off from G-seamus's body and landed in front of Adam.

"But as long as Pete-sama isn't here to give you permission…" Steve started as he slowly drew a knife, "I must consider you to be intruders, half of you are virus hosts anyway."

"Steve, don't do this!" said Becky, "You have such a long, leaf eating life ahead of you!"

"I know that." Said Steve, "That's why I don't plan on being killed by the likes of you."

Steve slashed the back of Rob's left knee, G-seamus collapsed on top of Rob. Steve leapt off of Rob and landed on Lauren's head, he drove his knife through her neck and ripped her throat out. Lauren's body fell in a spasmodic heap and Steve jumped at Kate. Becky blocked Steve's attack with her ninjato, and pushed Steve back. Adam shot at Steve with his shotgun, but the nimble Koala jumped over the shot and landed on the barrel of the gun, making Adam lose his balance and fall forward. Steve hopped from Adam's shoulders and back towards Becky, who tried to slash the Koala in two. Becky missed and was cut on her back as the Koala flipped over her. Kate ran to G-seamus's body and pulled the Chibi Gir out of his pocket, a stream of fire flew at the surprised Steve, who dodged most of the attack, but was burnt on his knife arm. The knife clattered as it fell on the blacktop, and Steve ran away.

"Everyone okay?" asked Adam as he got up

"I think Lauren's dead!" cried Kate as she helped Becky up

Adam nudged Lauren's foot with his shotgun, "Yup, she's definitely dead."

"Wait look, she's getting up! :D" said Kate excitedly

"Okay seriously," started Rob, "How are you doing that!"

Lauren got up slowly, and stumbled over to Rob. Her movements were slow and erratic, Adam pointed his shotgun at her. Lauren's eyes opened, they were whited over, she opened her zombie mouth and tried to take a chunk out of Rob's neck. Tentacles shot out from G-seamus, impaling zombie Lauren. The tentacles ripped her apart, pieces flew everywhere. The semi-conscious G-seamus breathed heavily.

"I'm not getting killed just yet damnit." Forced G-seamus weakly

"I'm okay," said Rob as he got up, steadying himself on one leg, "But it looks like you'll have to carry G-seamus after all."

"I said no way in hell." explained Adam with a tone of annoyance, "Kate-"

Kate flew into the plot device on Becky's back. G-seamus leaned towards Adam, "C'mon old chap, you won't even have to do much work. I'll just wrap my sticky G-tentacles around your midsection and hang there!"

Adam frantically looked around for someone to carry G-seamus, "Becky?"

"Oh I'd _love_ to carry G-seamus," started Becky, "But I have to carry Kate already, and there's this huge gash on my back." She motioned to the tiny scratch on her back. G-seamus started moving his tentacles towards Adam.

"ehhhh, EHHHH, I don't like this!" said Adam as G-seamus touched his face with a tentacle, leaving a trail of purple slime. "Why are they doing that!"

G-seamus shrugged, "I think they move independently."

"FINE, you people are so stubborn." complained Adam as the tentacles quickly wrapped around his midsection, G-seamus hung behind him, arms and legs dangling in the air. The group ran through the laser-made hole in the wall, and stopped at the seventy door entrance.

"God Damnit Pete..." muttered Becky as they opened one door after another. After 15 painful, door-opening minutes, they had reached the elevator.

"Which floor was Pete's lab on again?" asked Rob as he looked stupidly at the button panel

"I don't know," said Adam as he batted away a G-tentacle that was brushing his hair, "I think it was...37!"

"37, alright."

The elevator doors opened to reveal hundreds of man sized tubes, each filled with a different specimen. All of them were humanoid, all different colors and sizes, some were covered in fur, others in scales. Kate walked up to one of the tubes, this particular one containing a reptilian humanoid with large claws and a gaping jaw filled with teeth. A small screen displayed information on the creature.

_Specimen 242: Hunter mk. 1, bipedal with large claws and teeth, the Hunter is noted for its loud shriek. This B.O.W. (Bio-Organic Weapon) was designed by the Umbrella Corporation by combining a fertilized human ovum with reptilian DNA and then implanting the t-virus into the resulting creature_.

"Ew..." squealed Kate as she got behind Becky, who was also reading about the creature.

"Poor thing," started Becky, "Stuck in a tube it's whole life..."

The Hunter's eyes opened and it pressed it's face against the glass, smiling like a 2 year old.

"HELLO!" yelled the Hunter through the tube, "WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND?"

"Oh what the hell?" said Adam as the two girls helped the Hunter out of the tube, "You do realize that that thing is a weapon made by the Umbrella corporation, right?"

"His name's Bob." said Becky forcibly, _"And he is a part of this group now!"_

"HELLO MR. ADAM!" said Bob with a crooked toothy grin, "WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND TOO?"

"Do you have any 20 gauge shotgun shells?" asked Adam as he checked his ammo supply

"NO I DO NOT!" replied Bob with a shrug

"Then no, we are not friends." said Adam as he looked at the research facility's directory, "I hate these things!"

Rob walked over to the directory too.

"You are here..." read Rob as he traced his finger on the big red dot, "The G-virus lab is...here, floor 38!"

"I was close..." muttered Adam as the group got into the elevator

"SO HOW DO YOU GUYS KNOW EACH OTHER?" said Bob loudly

"Why are you yelling?" asked Becky, "What you say is gonna show up in caps lock!"

"I'M NOT YELLING!" yelled Bob, "YOUR ALL JUST WHISPERING!"

"Maybe Pete has a muzzle for this thing in the lab." complained Adam

"THAT WAS MEAN!"

The group walked out of the elevator and found themselves on the same floor from their prior visit. Becky walked into Pete's office and took note of the torn cat food bag and the blood stained hole in the roof, "That's new." said Becky as she rejoined the rest of the group

Adam walked into the virus room where Pete gave him the upgraded W-virus. He started reading the labels on the vials, looking for a G-virus serum. Rob checked in a room marked "Cloning" he found two glass tubes that where around 6 ft tall. One was marked 'Original' the other was marked 'Clone'. He started reading the contents of a file folder next to the tubes. Bob ran around Pete's office in circles, getting the torn bag of cat food stuck on his clawed foot in the process.

"You guys!" yelled Rob from the cloning room, "I've found something!"

Everyone walked into the room. G-seamus looked nervously as the tubes.

"What are these?" asked Kate

"They're clone in tubes," explained Rob, "It seems that Pete was making inter-dimensional trips too, but his portal device was flawed. It had a high probability of destroying any living thing that entered. To fix this problem, Pete would make clones of himself and send them instead. Huge numbers of clones would enter the portal, until the original Pete had found a number that worked perfectly. He discovered that he could send in 10 clones and only one would be able to return alive."

"How does this help us?" asked Adam impatiently

"Well the cloning tube had a second function." continued Rob, "If the clone that came back was injured, the tube would make another clone and transfer all imperfections out of the first clone, and onto the second clone. This ensuring that the first clone would survive and could give Pete the information it learned from the dimension it entered."

"So your saying that we could put Seamus into the tube, and make a clone of him." realized Adam, "And transfer the G-virus to the clone!"

"Thus leaving the original Seamus intact and virus free!" finished Rob

"I THINK THAT IS A GREAT PLAN!" added Bob

"Nobody asked you, Bob." retorted Adam

"Actually I asked him to say that so I could say this." said Becky with a triumphant grin

"Damnit, you win." said Adam, "G-seamus, you can get off me now!"

G-seamus stayed attached to Adam's back, "What if the process transfers me along with the virus?"

"G-seamus, that's not going to happen." said Rob, "The second clone only takes the imperfections away from the original, and your an improvement!"

Adam wedged his shotgun between his back and G-seamus's tentacles and tried to forced him off, "Get in the fucking tube!"

"THAT WAS A BAD WORD ADAM!" said Bob with a tone of fear, "YOU SHOULDN'T SAY BAD WORDS!"

"What the hell did Pete do to his specimens?" said Adam as he stared at Bob, "Make them into two year olds?"

Finally Adam managed to shove G-seamus into the tube. G-seamus looked terrified and put his hands on the glass.

"Starting cloning process." said Rob as he pulled a switch

A scan of G-seamus's body came onto the screen in between the tubes. Light enveloped the second tube, blinding the group.

"BRIGHT LIGHT HURT!" yelled Bob as he ran out of the room

The light dissipated, a mass of tentacles was in the tube. In the first tube, Seamus's body hung lifelessly.

"Oh no," said Adam, "Seamus himself was an imperfection, so it transferred his mind too. Why cruel world, WHY?"

Seamus pressed his face up against the glass and stuck out his tongue, the glass retracted into the ceiling as Rob helped Seamus down.

"So are you you again?" asked Kate

Seamus looked at Kate, and quickly grabbed the Chibi Gir from her hands and started running around the room. Kate picked up a vial and threw it at Seamus, who dodged it and continued running into the hall.

"Kate?" asked Adam, "What did that vial say on its label?"

"G-virus serum, why..." Kate looked at the broken vial, "Oh..."

Becky face palmed in the background, "Oh Kate..."

Seamus ran into the room that Bob was hiding in, "IS THE BRIGHT LIGHT GONE YET?"

"WHAT BRIGHT LIGHT?" yelled Seamus back

"Why are you yelling?" asked Bob quietly, "You're going to make your words appear in...oh now I see what she meant!"

Back in the cloning room, Adam and Rob stared at the mass of tentacles that was in the second tube. Kate walked up to the tube and put her hand on it.

"I guess he's in there now," started Kate, "Stuck in the monster."

"Seems that way," said Rob, "I just don't understand why it would transfer such a smart guy like G-seamus as if he were an imperfection."

"Mutated G-virus hosts lose their conscience and memories." stated Adam, "It's just a monster now."

Text started running on the middle screen.

_Are you people going to get me out of here or what?_

"It's G-seamus!" cried Rob, "He's in control of that body!"

"No," said Adam as he read the screen, "The system didn't know what to do with him, so it saved him as a file."

"Can that file be downloaded into a living being?" asked Kate excitedly

"Probably."

Kate ran into Pete's office and grabbed a cat from the hole in the ground, she ran back inside and put the cat in the first tube.

_What the hell do you think you're doing? I HATE CATS!_

"This cat seems to have starved to death, I don't see any wounds or anything." said Kate, "This is gonna be hilarious!"

Kate pulled the switch and G-seamus walked out as a brown and white cat. G-seamus meowed at Kate and jumped onto her head.

"Look, he's so cute now!" said Kate as she petted G-seamus, "Aww, he wants to be petted! xD"

"No, I think that he's just using his cat body to get touched by you." said Becky

Kate screamed and ran to a sink to wash her hands, "I forgot he was G-seamus! I swear! He just looks so cute and fluffy now!"

G-seamus walked into the center of the group, "Why do I want to claw up everything that doesn't move!"

"He can talk?" asked Becky, "Oh this is just too great."

"NOT FOR ME!" said G-seamus in a high pitched voice, "DAMNIT KATE, WHY?"

"Because you took my Chibi Gir last chapter!"

Suddenly the mass of tentacles started moving, text ran on the screen again.

_You fools! I've waited for years to get the chance to transfer myself into Pete's body and take over the world! You've doomed yourselves as I, MITTENS, shall rule the world!_

"HOLY CRAP A WOLRD DOMINATION CAT! :D" said Becky excitedly

"Oh great, now Becky can make face words too." said Rob, "I give up."


	9. Chapter 9

Zombie Apocalypse

An Adam Wesker Crackfic/parody

Chapter 9: Side stories and bloopers

Enter: The Chris

Nirali found out soon after leading the G-zombies away that zombies are, to put it nicely, SLOW AS FUCK. She also found out that zombies have very short attention spans, as the group following her gave up after 5 minutes of her power walking away from them, and started trolling around the open barricade. Without much else to do, Nirali decided to explore the school for more survivors. RJ remained inside the foot storage room, stuffing his face like there was no tomorrow, that fatty.

"The Calories help cover the pain…" muttered RJ

Nirali walked down the hallway, away from the cafeteria and into the F-hallway. The walls were covered in dried blood, flaking and black, it crunched under her feet. Chanting echoed down the hall, making Nirali shiver. She could tell that it was human, but she was unsure of whether it was sane or not.

"Guess I should check it out." Said Nirali, reassuring herself as she turned the corner, towards the chanting

The chanting grew louder, and suddenly hard metal rock started to mix with the chanting, creating a very confusing atmosphere. Nirali felt scared, yet curious, nervous, yet interested. She slowly approached the old and bloody crusted double doors that led to the gym. One of the doors was still in the open position, and Nirali slipped in using it. The sight she saw was one of the more disturbingly confusing things that any human has ever been witness to. A cloaked figure stood atop a podium, arms outstretched like a preacher, chanting loudly.

"_Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"_ said the figure, then repeating again and again

Nirali was really scared this time, she started to leave, but her muscles wouldn't respond when she tried to move. She yelled at herself in her head, "_Move damn you! This isn't safe, get out of here now!"_ But hard as she tried, Nirali was paralyzed.

"You've come to see me…Messenger." Said the figure, who pulled the hood back off his head, revealing long, slightly curled hair that reached down to his waist, "I am the last of the Great Old Ones' followers, the rest were disloyal and wiped from the earth by Their power. You are here to direct me to His location, if you do not comply…"

Nirali stood frozen, "_Me? A messenger? Who are the Great Old Ones? What is this guy talking about? I should play along, he seems dangerous."_

Nirali chose to be general, "Who are you?"

"You do not know?" asked the man, "I am the last of the Cult of Cthulhu, the former runt of the litter turned king of the world. I am Chris, the seeker."

"Cthulhu?" started Nirali, "Oh yeah, Cthulhu, I know that guy."

Chris's mouth gaped and his eyes swelled, "You have seen our leader?"

"Um, yeah, sure!"

"How could you have looked upon Him and not be overwhelmed in joy and fear?" said Chris, "You must possess a heart of steel!"

"Yup, that's me." Said Nirali, "Nothing can faze me."

Chris nodded slowly before pulling out a severed arm, "What about this?"

Nirali chuckled, "This is the zombie apocolypse, and severed arms are commonplace."

Chris shrugged and started eating the arm.

"Why are you eating that zombie's arm?"

"Zombie?" asked Chris, "What's that? I got this arm from the janitor."

"Yeah, but he was a zombie when you got it, right?" asked Nirali nervously

"No." answered Chris as he snapped a bone and sucked out the marrow, "I got this from the janitor just before Cthulhu's madness was unleashed upon the world."

"Wait, you don't know about the G-virus outbreak?"

"Call it what you will, Cthulhu gave man the means to create this epidemic, and so it was his _and_ our doing."

"I guess that makes sense…"

Chris finished picking his teeth with a bone splinter, "Did you see Cthulhu before or after he was released?"

"Um…before?"

"That makes sense."

There was an awkward silence. Chris started using the bone as a back-scratcher. Nirali started inching towards the door.

"Where are you going?" asked Chris

"I have to…" Nirali searched for something to say, "Go to the bathroom?"

"Why are you asking?"

"Good point."

(To be continued…after the bloopers.)

Bloopers

Monica walked down the dark c-hallway of TOVN, she was scared, not because of the flesh-eating zombies, but because she didn't finish her final exam.

"I hope that they let me have a re-take..." She said, whilst completely ignoring the former humans trailing her at snail-like speeds.

Her friend Laura walked up next to her.

"Hi Laura, you don't look so good."

Laura pulled out a bag of skittles, "Taste the Rainbow…"

"BOOM, HEADSHOT!" Yelled Adam as he blasted Zombie-Laura's head off

"HOLY SHIT, YOU SHOT LAURA!" Yelled the still clueless Monica

"I shot..." Adam looked at the headless Zombie's corpse, "Ha, I guess it was Laura!"

"How can you tell that is Laura, you blew its head off?" asked Lauren, who was the one with the bar.

Adam seemed to consider this for a second, and then pointed the shotgun at Lauren.

"DO NOT QUESTION MY JUDGEMENT!" Adam accidentally pulled the trigger and blasted Lauren's head off

"OH SHIT!" yelled Adam, "OKAY LET'S ALL CALM DOWN."

"YOU KILLED HER!" yelled Monica

"IT'S JUST A SENSITIVE TRIGGER!" Adam started slowing down, "Just a sensitive trigg-"

Adam blew Monica's head off too by accident

"OH MY GOD!"

"It seems that a viral outbreak has turned almost everyone in existence into zombies." Explained Adam

"Yeah, where have you been for the last like...day?"

"Idk, I was just taking my final exam and then some people in military outfits showed up and started shooting everyone." explained Monica, "So what happened to the others?"

"I killed Bobert, Laura became a zombie and then I shot her, I mistook Nirali for a zombie and shot her leg: she's in the south cafeteria now, I stabbed Wesker in the eye after he injected me with really cool virus-"

"AIDs?" Interrupted Monica

"No, the W-virus, now I can do this!" Adam disappeared for a second and then reappeared behind Monica and snapped her neck, "Ah shit."

"Yeah, and that _cannibal_ has been trying to- AHHHHH" screamed Cepok as Nirali bit into his other arm

"Nirali." said Adam, "Stop eating Cepok."

"But he's so TASTY!"

"Stop it."

"Okay." Nirali got off of Cepok and went into a corner to continue her card game of Solitaire

"THAT HURTS YOU KNOW!" yelled Cepok as Nirali walked away

"Lauren, patch him up...again." ordered Adam

"Why do I have to do these things?"

"Because you touch yourself at night, now do it."

Lauren walked up to Adam and full on slapped him. When she saw it had no effect she wheeled her leg back and kicked him in the nuts.

"FELT THAT DIDN'T YOU, MR. 'IVE GOT A COOL VIRUS'!"

"No."

….

"What?"

"BLACK POWER!" Said Nirali and Cepok in unison, then they made out for the 23th time in 5 minutes

"I'm so sorry that I hooked them up." Said Adam while he held his head

"I don't see what's so bad about them as an item." Said Monica

"Yeah, they're pretty cute together." Agreed Lauren

"It's not that," Explained Adam, "It's that they're both going to get Mono."

"Dude, that wasn't your line."

"BUT IT'S TRUE!"

"I never said that, I was simply referring to your loss of humanity since Wesker gave you that virus-"

"Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome?" interrupted Seamus

Adam pulled out his shotgun, "Seamus, I'm going to count to three...wait what?"

"Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome." Repeated Seamus

"…Oh" said Adam with a confused look, "Okay."

Adam put his shotgun away and started being productive and repairing the barricade. Everyone lived out the rest of their lives in peace. That's the way things would have been if people didn't invent acronyms.

Adam ran towards the giant and punched it in the stomach which, thanks to his virus given super-strength, sent it to the ground.

"Hi I'm Adam, and you are?" Said Adam, addressing the stranger

"Chuck Norris." Said Chuck, "And you just got replaced by me as the new main character."

"Goddamnit Chuck, couldn't you have stayed dead after 'The way of the dragon?'"

"No."

Becky walked up behind the two, "Why is Chuck Norris stealing my debut scene?"

"Because I HAVE THE POWER!" yelled Chuck Norris as he reached towards the sky, summoning a giant robot unicorn, which he rode into the sunset

"How did he ride into the sunset, it's only 3:00!" asked Becky

"Because he's Chuck, Becky, because he's Chuck."

"Well sure I'm not human anymore, but look at the power I've gained!"

Robert contemplated it for a second, "That was totally not relevant."

Adam drew his shotgun

Robert looked un-afraid, "Is that all you can do?"

"N-no, I can do stuff!" nervously said Adam as he put the gun away

"Like what?"

Adam thrust his hand through Rob's chest.

"Like that."

"Okay Becky, now that you're a part of our little band of survivors" said Adam, "I think introductions are in order."

Becky nodded, "Alright, who are you guys?"

Rob stepped forward first, "My name's Rob, and I have to say that you are stunning."

Becky looked calm, "While I'd thank you for the compliment, I'd much rather dissect you."

Rob sighed, "Why do they always say that to me?"

Monica stepped forward, "Hi, I'm Monica." She then started glaring at Adam, "I'd really like to know why I didn't get an introduction thingy too."

"Because you die in the next chapter." Stated Adam plainly

"W-what?"

"YOU DIE IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!"

As Adam was talking, a shadow pulled itself out of Becky's back. It took shape and emitted a high pitched scream, just like the one from earlier. Its features finally started to become coherent to the eyes and then Chuck Norris took shape. He jumped out from Becky's back and went on to slay the Jabberwocky and save Narnia. The end.

Adam pointed his gun at Lauren, "DO NOT QUESTION THE PLOT DEVICE!"

"DO NOT SHOOT ME!"

Monica rolled out from under the table, "Is the author really gonna re-use that line again?"

Everyone gasped and looked at Monica.

"What?" asked Monica, "...I just questioned the author, didn't I."

Adam's eyes turned into red lights, and a huge voice came through him, one that was not his own.

**"YOU HAVE QUESTIONED THE AUTHOR; YOU MUST BUY ME AN EXTRA LARGE DIET SPRITE WITH A LEMON CUT EXACTLY .2 MM OFF FROM THE CENTER OF THE WHOLE FRUIT. THEN YOU MUST MAKE A CULT THAT WORSHIPS ME AND WILL SURVIVE UNTIL THE END OF TIME. FURTHERMORE, YOU MUST KILL YOUR CLOSEST FRIEND IN ORDER TO OBTAIN THE SAME EYES AS SASUKE'S BROTHER AND BE ABLE TO FIGHT ON EVEN GROUND WITH HIM EVEN THOUGH HE ACTUALLY HAS A DEBILITATING DISEASE THAT PREVENTS HIM FROM FIGHTING AT FULL POWER. THIS YOU WILL FIND OUT AFTER YOU HAVE KILLED HIM, LEADING TO A TURNING POINT IN YOUR LIFE THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR CHARACTER FOREVER."**

The Orochimaru summoning snake crushed Monica.

"**GODDAMNIT I WAS SAYING SOMETHING!"**

Seven alien men landed behind everyone, all wearing odd looking armor. A tall purple one stood in front of the rest, he had huge black horns, and spoke.

"Allow me to introduce myself, I am..."

Rob walked up, "Captain Ginyu."

"How did you know?"

"You are commissioned on planet Namek. There you have success at first, but your men are soon killed off by Goku and the other Z-warriors. Jeice, the only survivor reports back to you that the others are dead. You and Jeice find Goku and fight with him, where he overwhelms you and forces you to switch bodies with him. But you kind of get owned after that and switch bodies with a frog. Then you stay as a frog, forever."

Captain Ginyu's head exploded.

Everyone was huddled in the farthest corner from the barricade as horrible sounds and internet memes came through the open barricade. Finally the noises stopped and an animal burp was heard.

"Oh no, it ate Seamus, I'm really gonna miss him." said Monica in a fake tone of concern

"No way in hell that anything could kill that guy." said Adam

Suddenly the barricade closed and a Monkey D. Luffy stood before them.

"HI GUYS!" said Luffy, "I'm a Once Piece reference!"

"I don't want to become a monster!" said Seamus as he buried his face in his palms, "I just want to be me!"

Adam drew his ninjato and walked to Seamus, raising the sword high over his head, "I'm sorry Seamus, but this has to be done."

Adam raised the blade even higher and cut the tip of Seamus's index finger. He quickly drew a vial from his sleeve and caught the blood droplet in it.

"Oh." Said Seamus as he sucked the tip of his cut finger

"Now I have a sample of the G-virus to bring to Pete in chapter 7." Adam cut G-seamus's head off, "Decapitation no Jutsu…"

"This chapter isn't going to be very funny, is it?" Asked Rob

"No," started Adam, "I think this chapter is meant to inform the reader on the technicalities of the viruses and give some sanity to the story, plus it made that reference to derpy derp derp, her derp derp, her derp derp, derp."

Everyone stared at Adam.

"I DERPED OKAY! WE ALL DO SOMETIMES!"

RJ hung from the tree with blood dripping from his arms. The guards had broken them for sport and had also burned his legs with a torch. He hung in his final moments, a crowd had gathered to watch his execution. All was silent, except for Nirali, who was sobbing at the base of the tree.

"Don't cry Nirali," started RJ, "for they can take my life, but they can never take…MY MCDONALDS!"

The guards took away RJ's McDonalds.

"DAMNIT!"

The Koala waddled up to a terminal in front of the last gate, the largest of the seven. The gate was 50 feet of solid metal. The Koala presented its face to the scanner, which recognized him and opened the massive gate.

"This Pete chap really takes defense seriously, doesn't he?" said G-seamus

"Pete-sama has made every possible preparation to indefinitely defend his life and research from both the jaws of the infected, and the government's sterilization plan." The Koala explained

The group walked through the first security door, and then through the second, and then through the third…and then through a lot more. So very many more that the Author needed to take a break, so he put in a three dot marker to show the reader that time has passed.

…

You see that shit! SEVENTY SECURITY GATES CAUSED THAT! I MEAN HOW WOULD THOSE GATES HELP DEFENSE ANYWAY? THEY'RE JUST PLASIC DOORS! ON TOP OF THEIR INEFFECTIVNESS, PETE POSITIONED THEM SO THAT THERE ISN'T ENOUGH ROOM TO OPEN ONE DOOR WITHOUT HITTING THE NEXT WITH THAT DOOR! GODDAMNIT PETE WHY! AHHHHHHHHH! THE AUTHOR IS ANGRY!BLLLEEAAAAHHHH!*error*

"Now that we've gotten this unpleasantness out of the way, why don't you all have a breath mint?" Offered Pete, "Your breath smells like bad writing."

"Don't take those," said Becky, "Knowing Pete, they'll explode or something stupid like that."

G-seamus took a mint and popped it in his mouth, "Seems fine to me."

"Oh, huh, that's weird."

"What's the plan, nothing's getting through to him!" asked Pete as his bone blade arm regenerated

Seamus, who had regained control of his body from G-seamus after Rob mentioned candy, landed behind Pete and Adam. Then his body exploded as the secret ingredient in the breath mint reacted with his stomach acid.

"The secret ingredient is love" said Pete with a chuckle, "Nah, it's a mixture of sulfur and pure sodium."

The t-103 punched Pete's head off.

Seamus punched the t-103 in the nose, before pulling the Chibi Gir from his pocket and roasted the t-103's body.

"How'd you get that from Kate?" asked Adam

"I pick pocketed her." Explained Seamus

In the background there was a scream, getting progressively louder.

"GGGG-SEEEAAAAMUSSS!" Kate landed on his back, crushing his spine. She picked up the Chibi Gir and started back inside before stopping at the security gates.

"FUCKING HELL PETE!"

"What did I do?"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

"What the hell is that?" asked Adam

"The result of Pete's research into the Soul Eater dimension!" explained Becky, "Now shut up and watch. You won't want to miss this."

Becky laughed as Excalibur charged at the t-103 and started telling it stories.

"You're cruel, you know that." Said Adam, "So very cruel."

The t-103's head exploded

"Everyone, gather round." said Professor Oak, "I've got gifts for all of you."

"Are they Pokemon?" asked Becky excitedly, "Oh please let them be Pokemon!"

"Yes, indeed they are."

"WOOO!"

Professor Oak pulled several pokeballs from his pocket, he walked up to G-seamus first.

"Here, I think you'll find that you like this one."

G-seamus threw the ball, releasing his brand new Level 1 Magikarp!

"FUCK YOU OAK!" yelled G-seamus, "JUST GO DIE!"

Oak walked up to Rob, "Here's yours!"

Rob released his new level 50 Wynaut.

"Why is it level 50?"

"It's a mutation, can't evolve."

Oak walked up to Kate.

"Here you go Kate."

"How do you know my name?"

"Internet."

Kate released her new level 99 Gyarados.

"Aw man, I wanted a Minun :("

"Deal with it."

Oak walked up to Becky.

"This should suit you very well."

Becky released her new level 9001 Nyan cat.

"OMG YES, BLOODY YES!" cried Becky as she climbed onto the Nyan cat and flew off into the sunset.

"What do I get?" asked Adam

"You get, um, well...just take it." Oak handed Adam a rock

"The hell's this? It's just a ro-"

The rock exploded and a wild Seamus appeared.

"wut."

"He can talk?" asked Becky, "Oh this is just too great."

"NOT FOR ME!" said G-seamus in a high pitched voice, "DAMNIT KATE, WHY?"

"Because I'm Back in Black and you're Thunderstruck." Kate looked around at everyone, "We're on a Highway to Hell and I'm ringing Hell's Bells, It's really High Voltage, but we'll Shoot to Thrill if we need to. So I say Let there be Rock, and for Those About To Rock, We Salute You. And…umm…what's left…"

Rob thought for a moment, "Big Balls, You shook me all Night long, Whole lotta Rosie. Pretty much all the ones that are related to anything dirty."

"Well we can just ignore those for now…"

…

"WHY AM I A CAT?"

Enter: The Chris (continued)

"He's almost here!" Exclaimed Chris as he raised his hands towards the sky.

A black circle appeared on the ground in front of him, a great wind came from the circle. Huge tentacles started growing from the darkness. Nirali grabbed the wall to keep her balance against the wind. Chris pressed a button on his arm and Maximum the Hormone by Maximum the Hormone started blasting.

"WHAT'S HAPPENING?" screamed Nirali as the huge tentacles broke off the roof.

"He's here!" exclaimed Chris with a maniacal laugh, "Cthulhu has been reborn!"

"WHAT THE HELL IS A CTHULHU!"

A massive clawed hand grew from the darkness, it smashed into the floor, sending a wave of energy at Chris. Chris whipped his head, sending his hair flying at the bleachers, his hair wrapped around a bleacher and stopped his flight. After the hand had a good grip on the crumbling floor, the rest of the green/gray arm grew from the darkness, supporting the weight of something much larger. At this point, Chris's hair had started ripping out of his head.

"Nirali!" yelled Chris, "I can't stay here long, when I lose my grip, catch me!"

"I'll try!"

Chris somehow loosened his hair's grip on the bleacher on the other side of the room and flew backwards again, much faster this time. The wind from the darkness had started to erode the walls of the building, shards of wood and concrete flew everywhere in a whirlwind of chaos. Nirali reached an arm out at Chris, who threw his hair at her, wrapping it around her arm and pulling himself into her hiding place.

"The great Cthulhu is almost done traversing from his prison at R'lyeh!" said Chris excitedly

"WHAT THE HELL IS A R'LYEH?" yelled Nirali as the tips of huge bat-like wings started making themselves visible from the darkness

Cthulhu's second arm grew from the darkness, steadying his weight, and his wings flapped as he pulled himself out from his inter-dimensional journey. His wings increased the wind velocity, breaking the remains of the crumbling walls of the gym and sending Nirali and Chris flying back into the hall.

"That thing's going to destroy the rest of the school if we don't do something!" said Nirali

"I know!" said Chris, "Isn't it glorious!"

"WE'RE GOING TO DIE!"

"You, maybe, but not me, Cthulhu's loyal servant and slave." said Chris, "Maybe I can use you as a sacrifice!"

Cthulhu's great head appeared, covered in small, hair like tentacles and with massive, almond shaped, dark blue-purple eyes. Cthulhu pulled his legs out of the darkness, and it disappeared. He threw his head back and roared something totally evil. The sound wave from his roar shattered the rest of the building and send it's remains flying out in a cloud of destruction.

"Now my plan can be completed!" yelled Chris as he pulled a small, glass skull from his cloak.

Chris held the glass skull to the sky and muttered some incoherent words, Cthulhu's body began to shrink as it dematerialized and flew into the glass skull. The process continued, rapidly breaking down Cthulhu's essence and storing it in the glass skull. Only a black cloud remained where Cthulhu once stood. Chris stuffed the now black glass skull into his pocket. The cloud started to dissipate, and a man sized Cthulhu stood in its place.

"W-what have you done to me!" cried Cthulhu in a harsh, watery voice.

"Your powers are now mine, Cthulhu." said Chris as he stared at the Chibi Cthulhu, "And, this time around, _you _are _my _slave."

"Is this gonna effect the main storyline?" asked Nirali

"Maybe later, come Chibi Cthulhu, we've got some world-domination to do." said Chris as he flew into the sky

Nirali looked around herself, at the decimated school, the total destruction, the absolute annihilation.

"Wait..." said Nirali, "WHERE'S RJ!"

RJ rolled out from some rubble, and continued eating. That fatty.


	10. Chapter 10

Zombie Apocalypse

An Adam Wesker Crackfic/parody

Chapter 10: Clash

"What do we do now?" asked Rob as the world domination cat banged against the bullet-proof glass tube.

Adam pushed a shell into his magic shotgun, glancing out the window to the endless horde of Ghouls that surrounded Pete's research facility, "We find Bobert's location using Pete's tech and then go after him."

The group all looked at their feet; G-seamus hopped off a terminal and approached Adam, green eyes sparkling in the dark room.

"We're not going." Said G-seamus in the machine-like voice of his, "This just isn't our fight, and we all have other things to do in other dimensions too."

Adam looked around the room at his comrades, a numb sense of shock on his face. His eyes were met with the defiant yet sad ones of all the people staring back at him. Adam nodded, "Well I didn't want all of you to come with me anyway…"

Rob shook his head, "Don't get the wrong idea Adam, we all want to help you. It's just that I need to find where the portal took Cara, back when the bombs hit she got sucked into it, I couldn't stop her from disappearing and I'm not leaving her alone wherever she is."

"Well I can't argue with such a touching speech, keep talking like that and I might get sick of you anyway." Said Adam with a laugh

"Me and Kate have some business to attend to in several other dimensions." Said Becky with a grin, "Namely, wiping out every filler character that's ever lived!"

"I wish you luck," said Adam with a look of approval, "I wouldn't mind seeing filler genocide at all."

"I'm staying with Adam." Said Seamus with an insanely toothy smile, "I've got a bone to pick with Bobert! Probably a wish bone too!"

Bob's talons clinked as he stepped into the room, he looked at Adam and Seamus, and then at Rob and the others. Tears filled his eyes and he hugged Kate.

"I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE YOU!" cried Bob, "BUT I LIKE MY OTHER FRIENDS BETTER! WAAAAAAAH!"

"Didn't want you to even exist in the first place." Said Adam indifferently

Adam turned to the giant tube that held the world domination cat of doom and pushed a button, filling the tube with flames. Charred bits of tentacles pilled on the bottom of the tube for a moment before disintegrating into nothingness.

"Now I'll just make a clone of Pete so he can work the machines for us." Explained Adam as he ran through the cloning terminal's DNA memory on a screen

"Original Pete made a clone of Chuck Norris?" said Seamus in disbelief, "WHAT SACRILEGE!"

Adam turned the dial again and a picture of Bobert appeared.

"W-why does Pete have the DNA code of Bobert Mercer in here?" said Adam, "Why would he…this makes no sense!"

"I made clones of Bobert so I could learn about him," said a voice behind the group, "Learn about his strengths and weaknesses that is."

Pete dropped down from the dark ceiling, his face and arms covered in scratches. He walked up to the terminal and shut it off. The whole group stared at him, totally shocked.

"WHAT?" said Pete in disgust, "Surprised that a bunch of cats and one mouse couldn't kill me?"

"…yes." Said Becky, causing an uproar of laughter among the teens

"Do you people want me to help you or not?" questioned Pete, "Whatever, I'll help you just to get the annoyances out of my facility."

"My annoyances does he means us or the zombies swarming the first floor?" whispered G-seamus to Bob

"I THINK HE MEANS US!" responded Bob loudly, causing everyone to flinch

"Okay…why is specimen 242 here?" questioned Pete, "More importantly, where's his muzzle?"

"We were just about to look for one." Said Rob with a grin, "If you don't believe me, check chapter 8 for the quote about it, seriously guys, it's there I swear!"

"Rob," complained Adam, "Don't talk to the readers; you don't know where they've been."

"Yes Moooooom!" Replied Rob with an annoyed tone

"Ahem!" grunted Pete, "Which filler dimension do you want to go to first?"

"One Piece." Said Becky, "And I'm not just going to kill the filler characters in that dimension either, I'm gonna kill all of them."

"NO, DON'T HURT LUFFY-SAMA-SAN-CHAN-KUN-SENSEI-SENPAI-DONO-CHAN!" cried Rob

"You said 'Chan' twice -_-"said Kate

"Okay, the 'in sentence face joke' is getting old, Kate." Retorted Rob with a snort

"IT'S DONE, GET OUTTA MY FACILITY!" yelled Pete from the portal room, "AND EITHER TAKE SPECIMEN 242 WITH YOU OR KILL IT!"

"Maybe we'll catch up with you guys once we're done?" said Becky as she, Kate, and Bob waved goodbye. Adam, Seamus, G-seamus, Rob, and Pete waved goodbye in turn.

"Well now that that's over with, were do you want to go, Rob?" asked Pete, "You're looking for someone, right?"

"Cara…"said Rob quietly, "I have to find out if she's okay."

"Oh, her." Said Pete as he turned some dials, "She's alive, but…"

Rob leapt at the terminal, staring at the blinking dot that represented Cara.

"She's in the Resident evil 4 dimension." Finished Pete with a sigh, "Good luck with that."

"I don't care where she is." Said Rob with a face like stone, "Open the portal. I'm going in."

"Rob!" shouted Adam from the other room, "Take this!"

A syringe flew into the portal room, and Rob caught it…with his neck, injecting a green fluid into him.

"OW!" yelled Rob as he pulled the empty needle from his neck, "What was that!"

"An advanced strain of an experimental virus." Explained Adam, "Should give you some…interesting powers. You can't be fighting Regenerators and Los Illuminados as a human you know."

"Thanks…I think…" replied Rob as he rubbed his neck and entered the portal.

Pete turned to the little cat at his feet, "And you, G-seamus? Where to?"

"To wherever Nyan cat is!" cried G-seamus, "I want to fly alongside him!"

"Whatever…" muttered Pete as G-seamus passed through the portal

"This marks the end of an age." Said Adam as he walked up to Pete, "Nothing will be the same from here on…what'll you do, Pete?"

"Well I can't just leave my facility, years of work, dedication, murder…"

"What was that last one?"

"Murder."

"Oh okay, that's what I thought you said."

Pete looked out the window at the growing horde outside his facility. He shook his head.

"Screw it." Said Pete with a grin, "This place blows, I'm going to the Hellsing dimension!"

"Locate Bobert Mercer." Explained Adam, "Then open the portal."

"Yes, yes I know," replied Pete, "That _is_ the point of this story after all."

Pete turned the dial again and several blinking spots appeared.

"It seems Bobert's been busy," started Pete, "All these people have his DNA signature."

"He planned for us to use you to find him," explained Adam, "If he's infected with the G-virus, than he must be spreading the virus by infecting people with similar genetic makeup. It only makes sense that there'd be more than one of his DNA signature, but which one is him?"

Suddenly, one of the dots disappeared, followed by another, then and another. Soon only one was left.

"It's not that there's more than one." Explained Pete with a look of shock, " Just now…he was traveling so fast between dimensions that it seemed like there were several of him!"

"Impossible!" said Seamus, "Nobody could do that!"

"Seamus, you don't even know what we're talking about, do you?" questioned Adam

"…AIDs?"

"You're still the same annoying little shit, you know that?"

"So we ARE talking about AIDs!"

"If Bobert doesn't kill you, I will."

"If you don't die from that infection first."

"SEAMUS!"

"Both of you are idiots." Explained Pete as he opened the portal, "But it looks like I'm stuck with you for now."

Seamus and Adam both stared at Pete in fear, "You don't mean…?"

"Yes," said Pete with a massively sadistic smile, "He's in the Hellsing Dimension!"

"Well...fuck!" cursed Adam, "Everyone in that place is overpowered and insane/violent/sadistic/religious!"

Information tab #1 (there will be a few of these)

Hellsing Dimension: Similar to the original dimension but with several exceptions.

Super powered Vampires exist

A vampire hunting organization exists, aka Hellsing origination

Alucard is Hellsing's most powerful soldier, a vampire known for being invincible and immortal

"What's a Hellsing?" asked Seamus as he picked his nose, "Is it a place where demons sing happy songs while doing good for the better of the world?"

"No, Seamus, it's where weak people go to die."

"Let's see what my Pokedex has to say about it!" said Pete with an out of character tone of childish excitement

_Hellsing dimension_

_A dark type Pokémon with the ability to FUCK YOUR SHIT UP!_

*Pokedex explodes*

"Well wasn't that fucking enlightening." muttered Adam, "But there is a real problem now. Just us three ARE NOT enough people to take on both Bobert _and_ the Hellsing dimension alone. I wonder if Rj or Nirali got awesome powers while we were gone." 

"You got it." replied Pete as he turned the dials to located Rj Cepok, "He's still in the original Dimension, where nothing fun ever happens."

Adam picked up a spare Portal disc and walked through the main portal. Blue flooded his vision again and the trip was over. He stood on top of some debris from the school.

"Rj?" cried Adam, "Where are you man?"

A bunch of wood shifted and Rj's head popped out, "EY! ADAM!" he cried excitedly

"Rj, you have any special powers yet?" asked Adam bluntly

"…wut?"

"Never mind then," responded Adam with boredom apparent in his voice, "What happened to the school? Where's Nirali?"

"I don't know the answer to either of those questions."

Nirali climbed over some debris and coughed, "It was some long haired gu-"

"Chris?" Cut off Adam, "Not surprised, now _he's _the kinda guy who'd have super awesome badass powers in this situation."

"You two…know each other?" asked Nirali as she brushed some dust and grit from her arms

"Heck yes," said Adam, "That guy's totally insane, that alone gives me more in common with him than with you people."

"Uh huh, by the way we're out of food." Interjected Rj as he got up and revealed his massive waistline.

"OH GOD MAN!" cried Adam and Nirali in unison, "WHAT THE HELL?"

Adam and Nirali looked at each other, "That was…"

"….weird?"

"Question mark?"

"Yes."

A sudden change in temperature struck the group, frost at their mouths and noses.

"The hell?" asked Adam as he shivered, "What's with this weather?"

"It's him! He's back!" cried Nirali as a dark cloud of evil descended in front of them

"I…AM…OZ!" yelled a deep, booming voice from the cloud

"Cut the shit, Chris." Responded Adam with a scowl, "And cut the 'cloud of darkness' thing too."

The cloud disappeared and was replaced with the long haired teenager.

"Did you ever find Cthulhu?" asked Adam with genuine curiosity

Chris motioned to his left just as Chibi Cthulhu walked into the sunlight. His shrunken wings quivered in fear whenever Chris moved. Adam stared at the Chibi Cthulhu for a second before falling to the ground in laughter.

"AHAAHAAAAHAHAHHAHAAA!" Adam rolled around while clutching his side, "THAT'S TOO PRICELESS!"

Chibi Cthulhu blushed a pale blue, "May the dark claws of insanity one day tear your flesh and subsequently-"

"AHAAAHHAAAAAAAAAHAAAA(lol)!" screamed Adam as Chibi Cthulhu hung his head in defeat

"I didn't know that Adam was capable of laughing this much…" said Seamus in a quiet voice as he and Pete watched the scene from a screen in the facility

"Seems he found a strong one though." Commented Pete, "Chris will be instrumental in the upcoming battle."

"I like turtles!" replied Seamus with a giggle before his face turned completely serious, "And turtles like me."

Chris shrugged and started laughing too, Adam slowly stopped laughing as Chris continued. The man threw his head back and his arms into the air, still laughing, but maniacally now.

"Why are you laughing?" asked Adam

"Not sure…" said Chris, who instantly stopped laughing and placed his hand on his chin to think about it

In the far away Hellsing Dimension, Bobert Mercer put down his pen and closed a black book before walking out of the room and into the hallway, he smiled to himself as he closed the door.

"GRAHHAA!" cried Rj as he clutched his chest in pain, "WHAT THE FU-"

Rj's head slammed against the wooden debris beneath him, foamy drool slid out of his mouth.

"What the fuck just happened?" asked Adam, "Why is Rj dead?"

"Looked like he had a heart attack!" explained Chris, "You don't think…?"

Back in the Resident evil dimension, Pete's eyes grew wide, "No…no way!"

"What is it?" asked Seamus, "Why's Rj sleeping?"

"D-D-D-D…" Pete stuttered

"Death note!" screamed Adam, "Bobert got his hands on a Death note!"

Information tab #2

Death Note: The human whose name is written in this note shall die.

This note will not take effect unless the writer has the person's face in their mind when writing his/her name. Therefore, people sharing the same name will not be affected.

If the cause of death is written within the next 40 seconds of writing the person's name, it will happen.

If the cause of death is not specified, the person will simply die of a heart attack.

After writing the cause of death, details of the death should be written in the next 6 minutes and 40 seconds.

"This game just became sudden death." Said Bobert as he walked down the hallway of the Hellsing organization's base, "It's your move, 'hero'"

Further down the hall, a dark body stirred, a hunched over person with a hungry look walked up behind Bobert. The figure clasped his hands behind his back and smiled.

"My lord," asked the figure in a deep voice, "What is your bidding?"

"Pay them a visit, show them who's really holding all the pieces in this game." Commanded Bobert bluntly, "And…give a special welcome to Mr. Pete, show him what happens when you double cross me."

"How are we supposed to fight back from this?" asked Adam out loud, "He knows all of our names and faces! We're done for!"

"Stop worrying," said Pete over the comm., "I just realized that you, Rob, Seamus, and I are not humans, the likes of which are the only beings the death note can kill."

"Eh?"

"The viruses we took, they shut down our human bodily functions, and technically our hearts aren't even beating right now."

Adam put his hand on his chest and realized Pete was right when he felt no beating.

"That's great, but what about the others?" asked Adam

"Becky and the rest aren't helping us, so Bobert probably won't go for them."

"But what about Chris here?"

"I'm not human either." Said Chris as he brushed part of his cloak beside, revealing rows of green gills and toothy protrusions, "My body functions by feeding off humankind's anguish and insanity, my heart is nothing but sand right now."

"Wouldn't that hurt?"

"It's an expression."

"Uh huh"

Nirali screamed as a portal opened behind Chris and Adam, the latter two completely unaware of its presence. A long, slender arm with a clawed hand grew, followed by a rotten-gray head and a serrated smile that made Nirali collapse in fear. Chibi Cthulhu took a step back, his green tentacles bristling with excitement and anxiousness.

"This one's strong," said Cthulhu in that gurgled voice of his, "Be careful, Bakemono."

"Did he just speak Japanese?" questioned Adam, "Did the tentacle monster just speak Japanese?"

"Yeah, he called me by my literal name, Bakemono, or shape shifter." Answered Chris, "Since I gained Cthulhu's old powers, shape shifting is the only ability I've figured out. And I've only got one other form to use, it's not pretty either."

The figure reached into his white cloak and pulled out a huge sword, three feet across and seven feet from hilt to tip. He smiled wickedly, licking the blade with a gray, pointed tongue. He threw the sword onto his shoulder and pointed at Adam with a gray, clawed finger.

"Where was he hiding that thing?" asked Adam

"You," said the figure, "You've been marked by Bobert, lord of dimensions and rightful ruler of all that is."

"And he's so lazy that he sends a piece of trash like you instead of fighting Adam by himself?" responded Chris, "Some ruler!"

"My name is Amarande." Said the figure, "You'd better remember my name, or I'll-"

"Make us regret it." Cut off Chris, "You're such a stereotypical villain! Let me guess, your name gives you a curse that gives you laser eyes or something?"

Amarande laughed, "You're half right, my name does give me a curse, but it certainly does not give me…'laser eyes'. It makes me immortal."

"Wait," Interrupted Chris, "Immortal as in eternal youth?"

"Immortal as in you get old but don't die from?" asked Nirali

"Or Immortal as in you just plain can't die?" finished Adam

"The first and the last. Why would you even want the second one?" responded Amarande with an amused smirk, making Nirali frown in rejection.

"Well then," started Chris, "If Cthulhu's correct, and you really are strong, then this will be a great opportunity for me to test my new powers!"

Adam nodded, "Perfect for me to test the new virus upgrades that Pete gave me too!"

"Should I be hiding or running?" asked Nirali, "You know what, I'll just do both."

She ran out of site and hid behind a pile of concrete and wood.

"Now then…" said Amarande as he took a stance, shifting the huge sword in front of his body, "Let's begin, shall we?"

Behind Amarande, another portal opened up and zombies started pouring out. A single gunshot pierced Amarande's head, sending him to the ground with a thud. The zombies scattered, as mindless as they are stupid, and Pete walked out. Seamus followed behind him, walking on all fours like an animal.

"I hate people who lie about being immortal." Said Pete as he pushed a bullet into his 13mm pistol's magazine to make up for the one he used on Amarande, "And I don't like it when authors never stop adding new characters, even if they are new bad guys."

"Well that was disappointing…"pouted Adam as he put his shotgun back into his trench coat thingy

"Yeah really!" added Chris, "I was gonna show off my new powers to the readers!"

"Stop mentioning the readers!" whispered Seamus, "We're not supposed to know about them!"

Behind the group, a zombie got cleaved in half, sending blood into the air like a fountain. Amarande stood up, just visible behind the shower of red, and pulled a bullet out of his skull. He dropped the bullet and laughed, getting back into the same stance as before.

"Err…" groaned Seamus, "Wasn't he dead a second ago?"

"Guess he wasn't joking about the immortality crap." Said Pete as he pulled out a second 13mm pistol, "Looks like you guys'll get your chances to show off after all."

Adam pulled out his magic shotgun again, pulling back the lever and aiming at Amarande's torso. Seamus inhaled and his forehead pulsed, veins were visible all over his face. Pete leveled his guns and posed like a boss. Chris drew him arms in next to his chest, and started glowing green as his hair started hovering in the air.

"Everyone ready?" asked Adam followed by a pause, "NOW!"

13mm rounds shot through the air and tore Amarande's arms to shreds, a shotgun blast made bb sized holes all over his chest; blood was flying through the air. Chris screamed in an inhuman tone, an animalistic cry of war, and his form changed from a human to a strange demon like entity; long claws and bladed tentacles for hair, with dull red skin and fangs dominating his face. He charged forward and ripped Amarande's spine from his body and followed up with a bite to the neck. Chris jumped back and Seamus exhaled, sending a massive blue laser from his forehead at what was left of Amarande. When the dust cleared, there was nothing but burnt debris and scorched body parts. The upper half of the zombie earlier dragged itself towards Pete, only to receive a shot in the head.

Pete turned towards Adam "How was that supposed to show off your powers?" he questioned, "All you did was shoot him once in the chest."

"Sounds like you don't appreciate my help!" complained Adam as he crossed his arms

"Well it's not that, but I mean Chris ripped the guy's spine out!" replied Pete, "Seamus shot a laser from his face, how do you expect to compete with that?"

"Shut up."

"Just sayin'"

"Hey guys?" interrupted Seamus, "I'm not the only one who's seeing this right?"

A cloud of blood and body parts was floating in the air where Amarande was standing.

"Oh great!" started Chris, "Now the blood and body parts will join together and Amarande won't even have a scratch on him. Typical!"

"Wrong." Came a voice from the cloud, "First I'm gonna make you monologue about how amazing and scary my ability is for about five minutes before I reform and go on to monologue about how amazing and scary my ability is and how scared you guys look."

"THAT'S EVEN MORE STEREOTYPICAL!" yelled Chris just before he dashed into the cloud of blood, "I WON'T ALLOW IT!"

Chris started slashing at drops of blood with his claws and kicking body parts back to the ground.

""Hey, wouldn't it be easier to just have Seamus shoot another laser at what's-his-name's remains, incinerating them and ending this fight?" asked Pete as Seamus collapsed in exhaustion from producing a laser which actually saps his natural energy to fire.

"Nah…" replied Adam, "It's more fun to watch Chris try and kill an immortal!"

Chris kicked an arm back onto the ground, only to have it start floating again a second later. He slapped blood out of the air, but despite his best efforts, Amarande reformed, throwing Chris backwards.

"Don't you think that after he absorbed the powers of a god-like being he'd be more formidable?" asked Seamus to Cthulhu

"Not really, other than that shape shifting power anyway," answered Cthulhu, "It took me several thousand years to realize my full potential, and I was born with those powers!"

Amarande picked up his sword again and swung at Chris, who dodged with a flip, cutting Amarande with his hair-blades at the same time. Amarande brought an overhead swing down on Chris, who took the hit to his armored forearms. They stood like that for a few moments, each trying to overpower the other, until Chris dashed to one side of the blade and threw his hand on top of the edge, both pinning the weapon to the ground and providing a support point as he kicked Amarande in the face with clawed feet. Amarande took a step back, the lacerations on his face sealed up almost instantly as he returned a kick back at Chris, sending him into the air.

"This is gonna take forever!" complained Adam as he teleported in front of Amarande, jamming his magic shotgun into Amarande's mouth. Without hesitation he pulled the trigger, blasting everything above Amarande's bottom jaw into oblivion.

"Hey!" said Chris, "I wasn't done with him yet!"

"Neither of us are done with him yet…" replied Adam as Amarande reformed again

Pete shot at Amarande, cutting holes through his elbows and knees, disabling him. Chris whipped his head and sections of his blade-hair shot out, wrapping around Amarande's torso and legs, disabling him.

"Okay." Said Adam, "Does anyone know how to kill an immortal?"

Pete shook his head, "In Naruto Shippuden, when the immortal Hidan was attacking everyone, they just blew him up and trapped his remains underground."

"That won't do, since he can reform like that." Said Chris, "But restraining him seems to be the best method so far."

"Yeah but I can't think of anything could hold him forever, let alone long enough for us to get out of here." Said Adam, "And speaking of which, Pete, you did bring a portal with you, right?"

"Eh?" replied Pete before his eyes went wide, "FUCK!"

"You forgot it, didn't you?"

"N-no," responded Pete as he thought up an excuse, "I-I told Seamus to get it for me!"

"Even if that were true, why would you entrust anything important" Chris motioned at Seamus, who was poking Amarande, "To _that_?"

"Oh wait," said Adam as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a disc, "I brought a spare, remember?"

"Oh that's good, so now we can get back to the resident evil dimension and-"

"WILL YOU PEOPLE HURRY UP AND STOP REPEATING OBVIOUS DIALOGE TO MAKE THE STORY SEEM LONGER!" screamed Chris, "IT'S SO DAMNED STEREOTYPICAL!"

"Shit, what's with you and stereotypes?" asked Seamus, "It's almost like you…"

Chris's eyes turned red and his claws grew longer.

"Never mind then…" muttered Seamus as he continued poking Amarande, who had fallen asleep.

"Looks like he's taking a nap." Stated Pete, "I wonder…"

He shot Amarande in the foot, resulting in no reaction whatsoever.

"HA!"

Back in the Hellsing dimension, Bobert frowned.

"You're joking around too much, Amarande." He muttered to himself, "I warned you what I might do if you didn't obey me punctually."

Bobert snapped his fingers.

"CYYAAAAAAHHHHH!" screamed Amarande as his eyes changed color to all black

"The fuck?" asked Adam as Amarande's skin started glowing visibly

"Is he an anime character or something?" asked Pete, "Why's he glowing like Goku with a firecracker up his ass?"

Chris pulled his blade-hair off Amarande quickly, catching his breath.

"Why'd you do that?" questioned Seamus

"His skin," started Chris, "It burned me. Almost like he's made of embers or something!"

Amarande's eyes glowed bright red as all the air around him heated up and condensed.

"IMMA FIRIN MAH…"

"Get down!" yelled Adam as he jumped behind a wall of concrete

Amarande screamed louder as two beams of condensed oxygen shot out of his eyes like lightning. The group dove for cover.

"I KNEW IT!" Yelled Chris as the debris around him melted, "I KNEW HE FIRED LASERS FROM HIS EYES!"

Seamus sucked in air and lifted his head above the debris, firing his own blue laser at Amarande. The immortal's legs disintegrated and the rest of him collapsed, his still active laser eyes caused havoc, cutting deep ravines all over the school's remains. Blood ran down from Seamus's nose and he held his head in pain.

"Seamus, are y-"

"He's fine." Cut off Adam, "Let's check on Amarande."

The immortal's laser had ceased, but he still crawled towards the group, hopping around on the stubs of his legs, which had not reformed.

"Looks like we have a way of killing him." Observed Pete

"But we might kill Seamus in the process." Added Seamus with a cough

"You're still talking in third person?" complained Adam, "It's been like seven chapters! NOT FUNNY ANYMORE!"

"Aren't you talking about the readers right now?" asked Chris

"No. I'm just talking about chapters; I could mean chapters of our lives. Maybe I'm weird like that!" Defended Adam

Amarande started punching Chris's green leg, knocking himself over in the process.

"Why's this guy still fighting?" wondered Chris out loud, "It's like he's gone into a total bloodlust…"

"Bobert." Explained Pete, "He must have put some kind of control mechanism in this guy."

Nirali walked out from a ditch, "Is it over?"

She saw what was left of Amarande, crawling around like a Nazi Zombie, and shook her head while walking back into the ditch.

"Well now, I think we've spent enough time playing around in this boring old place." Said Adam as he pulled out the portal disc and set in down

"Let's go back and then head out to Hellsing to fight Bobert!" cheered Pete, "Even though my character was supposed to be egotistical and only want to further his own gains through manipulation and 13mm bullets!"

"Yes, away to help Adam on his quest!" said Chris, "Even though I'm supposed to be a power-hungry fiend on the path to world domination and the slaughter of mankind!"

"Carrots!" Added Seamus with a lopsided grin

The group walked through the portal and it closed behind them. Nirali walked out of the ditch again.

"Guys are we ready to leave yet?" asked Nirali, "Guys?"

She looked at the portal disc on the ground.

"HARRY POTTER HERE I COME!" she yelled as he opened the portal and jumped in. In reality, she'd set the portal to the Charlie Sheen dimension. Don't count on seeing her again.

Robert walked down a rugged and shrub-covered path. He knew this road: it's from the beginning of Resident evil 4.

"This shouldn't be too bad." He said to himself, "After all, I'm the foremost videogame expert in my dimension, and Resi 4 was one of my favorites. Well besides Ashley that is."

He stopped to pick up an axe, and then he realized that he had no weapons. He started sweating as memory flashed back. All throughout Resi 4, Leon had always carried a gun, and without one Leon was near useless. _'And now I'm just as useless as that blonde idiot!'_ He thought to himself, _'I'm doomed!'_

Just ahead of him, Rob heard screamed of terror and the sound of flesh being torn from bone. He recognized those sounds as a result of hanging out with Adam too much. He stiffened his grip on the axe and ran down the pathway to see what was ahead. The axe dropped out of his hand as a regenerator made sniffing noises and shuffled towards him.

"Why the hell are you here?" asked Rob to the mindless flesh being, "You're not supposed to appear until much later!"

The regenerator stopped moving and threw his hands into the air before looking straight at Rob and smiling.

"I'm hear 'cause…" The regenerator struck a pose, "EVERYDAY I'M SHUFFLIN'!"

"Oh come on!" yelled Rob as the regenerator and all the villagers started Shufflin'.

Information tab #3

Shufflin' - The act of being amazing.

"And on that note, we're ready to leave." Said Pete as he finished toning the portal to bring them to Hellsing dimension, "Brilliant idea, using Rob as filler."

"Yeah, good job thinking of that, Author!" said Adam

"**THANKS, ADAM, I WISH PEOPLE WOULD COMPLIMENT MY WORK MORE OFTEN *HINT HINT, COUGH COUGH*" **Boomed the Author

"No problem, author! If you weren't around, none of us would be!" said Adam with a broad smile

"Is he okay?" whispered Seamus, "He's not supposed to be happy and appreciative!"

"Seamus," said Adam, "You just whispered that to _me._"

"Well, yeah, I'm asking your opinion." Replied Seamus with a stern look

"Well, first to the finish then?" approved Adam

The two started running very quickly away from the group, Adam teleported forward while Seamus simple sprinted on all fours like an animal. Dust kicked up and filled the air, when it fell; Adam and Seamus were carrying Light Yagami over their shoulders.

Chris's features finally returned to normal as his jaw dropped.

"What the hell just happened?" asked Pete

The two dropped Yagami on the ground and high-fived.

"YEAH!" they said in unison

"What the hell?" yelled Yagami as he squirmed on the ground, "I don't even know you people!"

Seamus's face turned serious, "It was obviously you who murdered Rj Cepok."

"Wha…"

"OBJECTION!" Yelled Seamus while pointing an accusing finger at Yagami, "I have conclusive evidence that it was you!"

"But…"

"HOLD IT!" screamed Seamus as he pulled out a notebook, "Is this your death note?"

"No-"

"TAKE THAT!"

"BUT THAT'S NOT EVEN A DEATHNOTE!" pointed out Yagami, "It's a fucking Spanish class binder! You probably pulled that out of the rubble of this school!"

"OVERRULED!" yelled Adam, "You may continue, Mr. Seamus."

"Thank you, your honor. Light Yagami, you used this Death note to kill Rj Cepok, now you face your crimes, what say you!"

"You're all idiots." Said Yagami with a look of disinterest, he pulled out the real Death note, "This is the real deal right here. Not that piece of trash in your filthy hands, you worm."

"VOCALIZED LAWYER STEREOTYPE!" Yelled Seamus, "I know that you have, in your possession, multiple Death notes!"

"Yes, but not in my possession, and why don't I get a lawyer, and who's the prosecutor?"

"That would be me." Said Adam

"WAIT, YOU'RE THE JUDGE AND THE PROSECUTOR?" screamed Light, "Can I PLEASE have a lawyer!"

"Gotcha." Said Amarande as he reformed behind Light

"Well, now we can have a legitimate…wait…" said Adam as he glanced at a smiling Amarande

"GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!" yelled Adam as he slammed his magic gavel on a piece of wood

Amarande got sucked into a jail dimension and Light ran away quickly, while yelling something about apples.

"Does anyone have any idea what the hell just happened?" yelled Pete, "Why did we just have a court case! Why was Light Yagami here? And why the fuck was Seamus a lawyer?"

"I've no idea what you're on about," said Alexander Anderson, "You protestant fuck-bucket."

"Wow, I think that was the most blatant and overt use of plagiarism in this entire story." Said Chris, "Thank you Takahata101 and Team FourStar."

"Isn't it TeamFourStar, you know, without a space?" asked Adam, "Wait, what're we doing."

"The last few paragraphs haven't furthered the plot at all." Said Chris with a frown

"Boy, what the hell is a plot?" asked Adam, "Oh and thank you Purpleeyeswtf and LittleKuriboh for that one."

"STOP QUOTING YOUTUBE VIDEOS!" yelled Seamus to the sky, "AUTHOR! DAMN YOU!"

"Is it strange to like turtles?" asked Pete innocently

"OVER NINE THOUSAND!" yelled Seamus as he fired his lazar

"Son of a bitch." Said Adam, "We've degenerated into nothing more than internet memes…"

Cthulhu opened up the portal, "Quickly, to the Hellsing dimension! AWAAAAY!"

They all ran through the portal. Then everything went white.

Chris felt a throbbing pain on his head; he reached up and screamed in pain when he touched his swollen and bruised forehead. His eyes opened for a moment, a brief glance of a gray wall and blood. He heard footsteps coming towards him, a step, and then a dragging sound.

"_It's a ghoul."_ Though Chris, _"I can smell the putrid flesh from here."_

He rolled over as best he could, keeping his head off the floor, and opened his eyes again. The footsteps grew louder, and a horrid moan flew by. His vision faltered as flashes of white and black blurred the scene before him. Everyone lay in piles of blood in front of him. Seamus, Pete, Adam, everyone looked dead. Seamus was missing an arm, Adam was face down in blood, and Pete was covered in slashes. With strained effort, Chris looked at the Ghoul. It was green-gray, with tentacles hanging off in random places.

"C-Cth-ulu…" forced Chris, blood dripping from his mouth, "H-help." He stretched out his hand

But Cthulhu looked rabid, green liquid gushed from his maw. He held his left arm, which hung as his side like a giant green piece of meat.

"Give it…" muttered Cthulhu, "Give it back…"

He reached for Chris, who tried to push himself back until he noticed he couldn't feel his legs at all. No numbness, no pain, like they didn't exist. His vision cleared and he saw his legs, they were in a bloody heap across the hallway. The stumps of his legs were charred over, like someone had taken a blowtorch to them.

"Give it back." Said Cthulhu, a sharp bone appendage grew from his palm and made its way towards Chris, aimed at his face.

"_I can't move."_ Thought Chris as fear overtook him _"Why can't I move!"_

Cthulhu stopped for a moment and threw up more viscous green fluid, wheezing like a smoker. Farther down the hall, Pete stirred and lifted a 13mm pistol.

"Chris!" sputtered Pete, "Duck!"

The shot rang out and blew a hole in Cthulhu's slimy chest, the demon-god's features tensed and he collapsed. Pete's gun clanked onto the floor as he lost consciousness again, Chris started dragging himself across the stony floor. Veins of anguish shot through his body with every movement, his head touched the floor for a moment, and he let out another scream.

The sound awoke Seamus, who twitched and convulsed on the floor, knocking into Adam, who didn't react. Chris continued dragging himself towards the others, intent on doing something, anything, to help save everyone. Then a voice rang out, it belonged to Adam.

"I was fool to think that we could come here without consequences." He said, "Our story wasn't hardcore enough to come to the Hellsing dimension without hurting its characters. How the hell did Bobert…"

He couched up more blood.

"How the hell did Bobert come here and not get damaged as well?"

Chris's vision blurred again and he blacked out.

"What fools." Said Bobert as he walked down the hallway, dodging the blood and bodies.

"To think they actually tried to defeat us." Said a dark figure behind Bobert, "I think this has taught them who really holds the power in this story."

Bobert nodded, "Indubitably."

"Don't fucking steal my lines." Said Pete as he rolled over and gasped for air, "You bastards have no idea who you're dealing with."

Bobert and the Figure started laughing. Pete joined in too.

"Wait, why are you laughing?" asked Bobert

"Because…" forced Pete as he pulled out a small, black device with a button on it, "Art…"

Bobert's eyes widened and he turned around quickly, "Come, we should leave, now."

Pete's hands shook as he lifted the glass box around the button, a portal opened and both Bobert and the figure walked through it and disappeared.

"Damn." Said Pete as he pushed the safety box back down, "And I was all pumped up to use my copyright infringing one-liner."

"Too bad." Muttered Adam, "That would have been a cool way to go out."

Another portal opened up and Amarande walked out of it. He stood over Seamus and lifted his sword. Pete and Adam were stunned and couldn't move. The sword fell and pierced Seamus through the chest, Amarande started laughing.

"SEAMUS!" yelled Adam as he pulled out the magic shotgun and blasted Amarande's head off. But it was too late, the sword of fate had fallen and Seamus was gone.

"Not." Said Seamus as he grabbed the blade and pulled it out with one hand, "Did you really think you could kill me with such a pathetic weapon."

Pete's jaw dropped, "G-seamus?"

"How the fuck did you think I was able to fire lasers in the first place?" Said Seamus, "But no, G-seamus is gone, part of him did, however, imprint on my psyche."

Blue beams of light grew from Seamus and reached out to all the members of the group. Chris's legs reattached and Pete's slashes sealed up. The gaping hole in Cthulhu's chest closed and his tentacle beard twitched. Adam sat up and exhaled deeply in a sigh of relief.

"I don't remember G-seamus having healing abilities." Said Pete as he picked up his 13mm pistol and wiped blood off it.

"Thanks to me," said Amarande, "Now he does."

The immortal was slowly disintegrating, "I passed a portion of my power to him when I stabbed him. Now you can defeat Bobert and restore the Hellsing dimension to what it used to be…"

His body was swept away into the moonlight and everyone got up. Chris smacked Cthulhu on the back of his head.

"Bad Chibi-Cthulhu!"

"Sorry, I was desperate."

Bobert smashed his hand through a table and screamed in rage.

"DAMN HIM!" he yelled, "DAMN THAT PETE, HE TRICKED ME!"

The dark figure in the background chuckled, "You seem rather upset by this little delay in our plan."

Bobert threw the table off his hand and brushed off his arm, "You're right, this makes no difference."

"Yes," said the figure, "Now we can begin."

Bobert plucked a splinter from his palm and looked at the figure.

"You really thought of everything, didn't you?" said Bobert, "With your planning, the multi-verse will be ours for sure!"

Pete Griffin walking through the doorway and stopped to look at the two.

"Why the hell are you people in my room?"


	11. Chapter 11

ZA

Chapter 11:

Hellsing dimension 6:45pm

The group gathered itself up again. Chris lectured Cthulhu about not betraying his master. Seamus tried to reabsorb the blood on the floor by rolling around in it. Pete looked at the tear in his clothes in despair. Adam brushed himself off and looked at the spot where Bobert and the strange figure had been.

Chris rubbed his head, "So does anyone have any idea what the fuck happened to us and why the immortal stereotype shit-faced asshole saved us?"

"You really didn't like that guy…" noted Pete with a frown, "Well good news buddy, he died to save you!"

"Fucking Christ-figures." Said Chris with a grumble, "So what do we do now?"

Seamus pulled out a monopoly board and smiled like a creep. Adam slapped it out of his hands and shook his head.

"Things are getting serious guys," he started, "This isn't Raccoon city anymore, this is Hellsing."

Cthulhu leapt forward, "THIS IS SPART-"Chris spin-kicked him in the stomach

"THAT LINE IS SO OLD AND STEREOTYPICAL!" he yelled as Cthulhu smashed through a wall

"GUYS!" yelled Adam impatiently, "No more of that anime style crap, nobody's coming back to life anymore! Any one of us could be killed, comic relief or main characters."

Everyone stopped moving and frowned before laughing hysterically, Adam looked mad.

"WHAT THE HELL IS SO FUNNY?" he demanded

Pete caught his breath and explained, "Nobody's coming back to life in this fic anyway! Hellsing or no!"

Adam looked up in thought for a moment, "Fair enough, but nobody's getting killed quickly or easily anymore. That's right, no more impaled skulls or crushing giant snakes. This is Hellsing, a side character was killed by being impaled on her own gun and her death scene lasted for 5 agonizing minutes! All while she was semi-molested by Alucard!"

"So that's why the author took the girls out of this and the last chapter?" questioned Cthulhu

"STOP MENTIONING THE AUTHOR AND THE READERS AND SHIT YOUR NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW!" yelled Pete, "You're going to break the fourth wall!"

"The what now?"

"Not sure…" said Pete, "BUT IT'S DEFIENETLY A BAD THING!"

This entire time, Seamus had been staring at Cthulhu.

"What is it?" asked the former lord of darkness in a gurgled voice, "Creep!"

Seamus's eyes glowed and he screamed, "FUS RO DAH!"

A huge shockwave send Cthulhu flying back through the wall, creating a second hole next to the first.

"Seamus," said Adam with a nervous look, "Are, are you the dragon born?"

"Monopoly." Replied Seamus sternly as he placed the board game onto the floor, "Now."

"But"

"FUS RO DAH!"

Nothing happened.

"Guess it was a fluke or something…"

Cthulhu crawled out of the wall and reached a pleading hand towards the group, "Why…?"

Suddenly a scratching noise filled the room, a sort of ringing, scrapping sound. An intercom.

"_Now that we've been reacquainted after such a long time, let's begin the Grand finale!" _Spoke Bobert in a scratchy voice, _"We're going to play a little game, it's called: surviving everything!"_

"What are you planning Bobert!" yelled Adam, "Why don't you come out and tell us in person, if you're so powerful?"

Bobert made a chiding, clucking noise_, "Now, now, don't get too excited. I want to savor my revenge on all of you people, you, my dear Chibi Wesker, will get your due once everyone else has had a turn! First up is Mr. Explosive ending behind you!" _

Pete held up his hands as if to surrender and walked to the head of the group, "Come now, old friend, why waste your time on such a convoluted and extended plan when you already know we'll survive it just like everything else you've sent our way?"

Bobert laughed_, "Because, this time I know that not all of you will make it out alive." _The intercom shut off with a snapping noise. Everyone looked at each other for a moment.

"Do you think he's really still here?" asked Chris, "Couldn't he be broadcasting from another dimension?"

"My thoughts exactly." Agreed Pete, "But we've got no way of checking his location."

"How come…" Adam's voice trailed off when he thought back to the endless horde of Ghouls plunging into Pete facility, "Oh, right. Zombies."

"Speaking of which…" said Cthulhu, "We've got some old friends to become reacquainted with."

The group followed Cthulhu's green claw and looked down a hallway to see a flood of Ghouls approaching them at Ghoul speed.

"Oh no." said Pete sarcastically, "Zombies. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

"Time to nut up or shut up!" said Adam as he charged forwards into the masses, splitting skulls with the handle of the magic shotgun and kicking bodies through walls

"Might as well." Said Chris as his features changed again and he dove in head first, shredding Ghouls with razor tentacle hair. Pete just shook his head and decided to hang back and not waste ammo, 13mm custom rounds are expensive, after all. Seamus screeched and whacked a Ghoul with his monopoly board until all the green monopoly money became red M. Bison dollars. Cthulhu picked up a skull and raised it above his head before speaking.

"To be, or not to be, that is the-"

"STEREOTYPE!" Chris yelled from down the hall

"IT'S NOT A STEREOTYPE, ITS SHAKESPEAR!"

Chris grinned and returned to the mayhem of Ghoul limbs and organs around him. After much cursing and some more references, all the Ghouls had been spewed across the floor, and the walls, and the ceiling.

"That was too easy." Said Adam

"NO!" yelled Chris, "You idiot! You KNOW what happens when you say that!"

"Well yeah, why do you think I said it?"

A figure turned into the hallway and started towards the group.

"Hey!" yelled Pete, "Who are you?"

The figure stopped for a second and lifted an arm into the air. Adam noticed a white finger pointing towards him and the group…

"GET DOWN, EVERYONE!" yelled Adam as he dropped to the ground

What looked like a green, glowing wall flew down the hallway.

"Getting down isn't going to be enough this time!" said Pete as he leapt out of the hallway. Chris kicked Adam and rolled him out of the way of the blast while Seamus stood and watched.

"Pretty…" mumbled Seamus as his eyes grew huge and drool slipped from his mouth

"SEAMUS!" yelled Chris as he reached his hand out, "Get out of there!"

Seamus snapped to attention and took Chris's hand, which pulled him out of the way just in time. Seamus screamed in pain and rolled on the floor.

"What!" yelled Chris, who stood over Seamus wondering what to do, "What is it?"

"MY…MY…MY…AHHHH!" Seamus screeched

"Tell me what's wrong, man!" Said Adam as he bent over Seamus like a doctor, "Where does it hurt?"

"MY MONOPOLY!" he yelled, "IT'S GONE!"

Adam and Chris face-palmed at the same time while Pete chuckled. Seamus's eyes turned red and he fired his mind laser down the dark hall at the figure. Partial illumination revealed a white clock and green, snake like eyes.

"Orochimaru?" wondered Adam out loud, "But I killed you long ago!"

"Well he's dead again now." Said Pete, "Not even that filthy pedophile snake thing could survive Seamus's mind laser."

"Orochimaru?" repeated a deep, steady voice from the hallway, "I'm afraid you've got the wrong anime."

A short man with his hands in his pockets walked out of the darkness. His green snake-like eyes fixed on Chris's transformed body but his voice was directed at Adam. Pale, snow-white skin dominated his face and hands, with green lines running from the bottoms of his eyes down to his chin.

"Oh crap." Said Adam and Seamus at the same time

"What?" asked Pete, "Who is this guy? He doesn't seem too bad."

"He's from Bleach." Explained Adam, "But he made the series so intense that it felt like Hellsing. Ulquiorra Cifer!"

"Oh?" said Ulquiorra, "You seem to know me."

Adam shook his head, "Bobert controls you?"

"Bobert killed Aizen-sama." Replied Ulquiorra, "So I respect his strength."

Adam took a step back, as he did Seamus dove forward and tackled Ulquiorra, who didn't even flinch. Seamus collapsed in a heap and Ulquiorra kicked him through the wall of the building on the other side of the hall.

"Bastard!" yelled Pete as he shot 13mm bullets at Ulquiorra, but the shots bounced off him.

Pete blinked in confusion and then roared as his old bone-blade arm grew back. He attacked, intending to lop Ulquiorra's head off, but instead he felt the blade stop, as if it had hit metal. He looked up and expected to see a katana blocking his attack, instead he saw Ulquiorra's arm blocking the blade. Not even his sleeve was cut. Pete's eyes widened and Ulquiorra kicked him out the same hole as Seamus.

"FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUU" memed Pete as he fell, brisk English air sobering his descent almost as much as the descend itself. He reached upward with his bone-blade arm and managed to halt his fall.

"Pete!" Exclaimed a voice from below him, "I can't hold on much longer!"

Pete glanced downward and saw Seamus, who was holding himself up on the wall by his fingertips. Pete loosened his grip and let the points of his arm dig into the stony wall, allowing him to slide downward slowly. He reached out for Seamus, but suddenly a plot-device flew by and knocked Seamus's grip loose. Pete reached downward, and with a quick motion, took hold of Seamus's ponytail.

"SON OF A BITCH!" screamed Seamus, "JUST FUCKING LET ME FALL!"

Chris whipped his blade hair at Ulquiorra and leapt over him. On his fall back to the ground, he brought his claws down on the base of Ulquiorra's neck, but Chris's claws didn't even pierce his skin. Ulquiorra spun around and back handed Chris's side. He felt his ribcage shattering and the hand damaging his organs. Ulquiorra brought his other hand up and pointed at Chris, who was still in free-fall. A green ball of energy charged up at the end of his finger but Cthulhu move into action and grabbed Chris, pulling him out of the way. Adam teleported in-front of Ulquiorra and kicked him in the crotch before helping up Cthulhu and teleporting them to the hole in the wall that Seamus and Pete had fallen out of.

"You cheap son of a bitch." Said Chris, "Go back there and actually fight him!"

"Are you mad!" questioned Adam, "That guy is only at 1/3 power right now and he's holding back a lot too."

"He shot a laser out of his finger tip!" yelled Chris, "How is that holding back!"

"In his final form he shoots laser spears that made hydrogen bomb sized explosions." Explained Cthulhu, "Plus he can regenerate any wounds that don't destroy major organs, in a matter of seconds."

"How the hell do you know that?"

"I was imprisoned underwater for hundreds of millions of years. So I watched Bleach the whole time."

Ulquiorra turned around and lifted his arm to fire another Cero beam at them.

"Cthulhu," said Adam, "I need you to help Chris and the others to safety."

"Surely you don't intend to-"

"Just go." Ordered Adam sternly

"Staying behind to fend off an overpowered foe." Commented Chris, "Never would have suspected you to be so stereotypical."

"You try being a main character for a couple of chapters!" retorted Adam, "You just end up getting sucked into the role…"

Cthulhu threw Chris over his shoulder and leapt out the hole in the wall. Behind Adam, Ulquiorra loosed his Cero. The green beam blasted through the wall, destabilizing the roof.

"You're no ordinary humans." Observed Ulquiorra, "But you're nowhere near strong enough to defeat me."

Adam pulled a pair of sunglasses out of his trench coat and put them on, "I don't intend on beating you. I just want to make sure my friends-" He cut himself off and threw the sunglasses at Ulquiorra before teleporting behind him. Ulquiorra caught the punch without even looking and tightened his grip on Adam's fist before spinning him around in the air and smashing him into the floor. Adam teleported away from Ulquiorra and pulled a small, solid metal cylinder from his trench coat.

"I was hoping to not have to use this until I fought Bobert." Said Adam as he took a fighting stance, "But I suppose I have no choice against an opponent like you."

A fluctuating blade of fire grew from the cylinder and solidified as a curved katana blade. Adam came at Ulquiorra and brought his blade down. Ulquiorra blocked with his arm, but was surprised when the blade actually cut him.

"I can cut you." Said Adam with a glimmer of hope, "That means I can kill you!"

Ulquiorra slowly drew his own katana and teleported behind Adam, who managed to block the attack just in time. Adam teleported behind Ulquiorra and slashed at his legs, but Ulquiorra jumped up and stood on Adam's blade. Adam stared at the Espada for a moment before he got kicked in the head. Cthulhu stuck his head back into the room.

"Why'd you just freeze up and let him kick you?" Cthulhu yelled, "C'mon! Fight back! Make him bow to you and then eat his offspring before his eyes!"

Adam and Ulquiorra stopped fighting and looked at Cthulhu angrily. They spoke in unison.

"You're a nuisance."

With that, Cthulhu pulled his head back down to tend to his comrades, something he was not looking forward to. Adam spun around and tried to catch Ulquiorra's neck with his magma blade, but the Espada had disappeared from his sight. Behind Adam, Ulquiorra was mid-swing when Adam managed to spin-kick the Espada's katana out of his hands. Smiling manically as he brought his own sword down, but Adam had failed to notice the green sphere growing on Ulquiorra's finger. Adam was engulfed in green energy for a good five seconds before the Cero beam dissipated.

"Foolish human." Said Ulquiorra as Adam brought down his sword again, this time from behind.

Ulquiorra didn't bother to dodge this time, he caught Adam's blade in the palm of his hand. Adam's eyes widened as Ulquiorra's jab came at him, but he teleported away just in time. Adam pulled the shotgun out of his trench coat, as his sword was still in Ulquiorra's hand, he fired but only succeeded in shooting his sword to the other end of the hallway, as Ulquiorra had teleported away. Ulquiorra pointed his blade at Adam.

"You're fast alright." Said Ulquiorra plainly, "But you're still…"

Ulquiorra's blade pierced Adam's chest as he went to his first form's full power.

"…Only human."

Adam couched up blood and laughed, "Well there's where you're wrong, Ulquiorra."

Ulquiorra's expression stayed the same, as always, "Oh?"

Adam put his hand onto Ulquiorra's blade and gripped tightly, "I'm no human."

Adam elbowed Ulquiorra, forcing him to let go of his katana, and pulled the blade from his own chest. He smiled as the wound closed up, "Looks like the new virus upgrades work well enough."

Ulquiorra's eyes narrowed as he watched Adam take a new fighting stance and charge at him. Adam threw jabs at Ulquiorra's head, who in turn dodged each one with ease. Adam kept backing Ulquiorra up until he was close enough to his fallen magma katana and he went to phase two of his plan.

"Cthulhu!" yelled Adam, "NOW!"

Cthulhu stuck his head back into the room and fired a sticky goop at Ulquiorra's feet.

"Pathetic." Said Ulquiorra as he side-stepped the attack

Behind Ulquiorra, Adam threw a slash at his neck, but Ulquiorra bent backwards and dodged. Adam picked up his Magma katana and came at Ulquiorra with a fast, always moving barrage of slashes and jabs until he managed t back Ulquiorra up onto the pile of sticky goop that Cthulhu had fired. Ulquiorra looked down at his feet just as Adam stabbed him with both his own katana, _Murciélago_, and the magma katana. Ulquiorra vomited black blood and glare at Adam.

"You're not bad," he said, "For a human."

"I already told you," replied Adam, "I'm no human."

Ulquiorra lifted his hands in a last attempt and fired two Cero beams at Adam, point-blank. They both hit, but Adam took a hold of his magma katana and it came out of Ulquiorra and flew with him, across the hall. Adam landed in a searing heap and grunted as he pushed himself to his knees.

Ulquiorra panted, but put his hand onto _Murciélago and spoke._

_"_Enclose, Murciélago."

Ulquiorra was engulfed in a sphere a black energy and a shockwave sent Adam's crackling body flying into a wall. Wind, emanating from Ulquiorra, broke chunks of the wall off and ripped tiles out of the floor. The black sphere dissipated and Ulquiorra stood, transformed. His broken helmet was re-formed and his hair was longer, but neater looking. Broad, bat-like wings spread from his back and a long white cloak went down to his feet. The green lines on his face had broadened somewhat and his arm were elongated, his fingers had black lines running all over them.

"Now you know true fear." He said plainly, "Run, run and cling onto life. But remember this: we shall meet on the field again."

With that he floated into the air and flew past Adam's body, crashing through a wall that dissolved before it even touched him.

The rest of the group climbed back into the room, Cthulhu hauled Chris on his shoulder.

"Yo, Adam?" said Pete cautiously

"Eh?"

"You OK?"

"Eh."

"I see."

Chris stood up and picked off some blood that had dried on his shirt, "Thanks…" he whispered under his breath

"What was that now?" asked Pete with a grin, "Who're you thanking?"

"Amarande." Said Chris with a growl, "Now get off my back about it!"

Seamus started dancing, for no reason, to some 80s song stuck in his head.

"Seamus?" asked Adam, "Please stop."

Seamus continued dancing. Adam pulled out the shotgun.

"PLEASE…STOP."

Seamus stopped dancing for a moment and then pulled another monopoly board from thin air. Adam blasted the board and Seamus jumped onto his back and attempted to bite his neck.

"HEY!" yelled Cthulhu, "Stop fighting! We all almost died a minute ago, but that's no reason to try and die again so soon."

Everyone stared at Cthulhu, but he kept talking.

"Don't you see? Bobert is testing with us, trying to see what we can handle so he knows what to expect. But if he can't keep track of how strong we are based on his prior knowledge then it must only mean one thing!"

Everyone blinked in confusion.

"You don't know?" Cthulhu said in a surprised voice, "It means that we're getting stronger!"

Chris slapped the back of Cthulhu's head. The ex-demon lord gave Chris an angry glare.

"That's for the monologue," said Chris, "Side characters like you are not allowed to monologue."

Filler time

Rob walked out of the village, leaving piles of ganados and the regenerator smoldering. He cracked his knuckles as flame surrounded his fingers.

"Adam was right!" said Rob, "This virus is amazing!"

Mainstream time

The group had taken the time Rob's filler provided to reassemble themselves and decide what to do. In other words…

"MONOPOLY!" screamed Seamus as his eyes glowed

"CALL OF CTHULHU!" yelled Chris as he shoved the board game into Seamus's face, sending him to the floor

"THE GAME…" screamed Pete as he pulled out his pistols, "OF LIFE!"

Shots rang out as Adam and Cthulhu face-palmed and stared at each other as Pete fired hot lead at Chris and Seamus.

"Do you think the author was trying to be ironic with his intro into this comic relief scene?" asked Cthulhu with a gurgle, "Or is he just stupid?"

"_I_ have a question!" yelled Naruto in his obnoxious English voice, "Who the hell are you and why are you in my dimension?"

Did I mention they'd tracked Bobert to the Naruto dimension? Well now I did, so don't bitch about it. You protestant fuck-bucket.

"AUTHOR!" yelled Adam, "Stop using lines that might offend the reader!"

"**I'LL DO THAT WHEN YOU STOP MENTIONING THE READER!" **boomed the Author

"Okay thanks." Said Adam nervously, "Now that we've gotten the chapterly 'Author' segment done, let's move on to more important things."

"Like what?" asked Chris as he swatted Seamus with the Call of Cthulhu box, "All we've done thus far is introduce Ulquiorra as a really powerful enemy who'll probably make another appearance. This fic is going down the drains, I swear."

"Chris…" said Adam as his eyes turned from blue to an odd tone of reddish yellow, "You forgot the main plot point of this chapter."

Chris made a curious face, "What's that?"

Adam teleported behind Chris and shoved his arm through Chris's chest, an insane smile creeping across his face. He ripped his arm from Chris's chest and chop-kicked Seamus in the head, sending him through the floor and into the concrete of the basement. Cthulhu shot a bone appendage at Adam, who simply grabbed the bone and snapped it. Pete stared in shock for a moment but still readied his guns, he fired quickly but Adam was much, much faster than he had been during his fight against Ulquiorra. A split-second later, Pete was on the ground and out cold. Chris spewed green-blue blood for a moment before he transformed and stood up.

"I'm guessing that the main plot point is a dramatic betrayal." Said Chris with a toothy grin, "And I expected the betrayer to eventually be me, this is most defiantly not stereotypical."

Adam looked at Chris's healed chest with some confusion before grinning back.

"Your transformation heals you." He said before laughing loudly, "I should have known your powers would have some sort of plot device hidden in them."

Chris glared at him, knowing that his healing/transforming double ability was VERY stereotypical to characters who can transform. For reference, see Ulquiorra.

"You don't stand a chance." Said Adam coldly, "You should just get out of my way."

Chris grinned, "You know Adam, I don't think you understand just who you're dealing with."

The demon lord drew him arms into in and screamed as his outline glowed black with purple edges. His features changed again, this time he looked fairly human, aside from the gill slits on his neck and the damp, fish stomach skin. All of his hair solidified and turned into a mass of writhing tentacles and a purple cut appeared in the center of his chest. The energy coating his skin burst out and grew in size as a black bar pushed its way out of the cut in his chest. He grabbed the bar with on hand and pulled it the rest of the way out, revealing a black scythe that emanated particles of pure madness. Cthulhu stuck his head inside and gasped in disbelief.

"To think that out of all my powers," observed Cthulhu with a tone of pride, "He'd discover _that_ one."

Chris charged at Adam with maddening speed and brought down the blade of his scythe in an instant. Adam managed to block the attack with his magma katana, fire and darkness shot through the air in columns of black and red, sending an unnatural wind out. Chris pushed down hard on Adam's blade, and the floor beneath him gave way, sending Adam tumbling to the concrete basement. Seamus rolled over and moaned next to Adam, who was already up again. Chris jumped down into the basement, landing in the splotch of light from the upper floor. The rest of the basement was pitch dark, which was not a real issue for the lord of darkness. Adam, however, was having trouble adjusting and took a cut to the arm as a result. The darkness particles immediately dove into his wound and started to eat away at his flesh. Adam brushed the particles off and his watched his wound, expecting it to close. Only it didn't.

"No wound inflicted from this blade," came Chris's voice from the darkness, "Can ever heal while its master draws breath."

Adam's grip on the magma katana tightened and fire grew from its blade, illuminating the room. Chris was already behind him, throwing a strike at his head with the scythe, Adam teleported away and cursed. He'd have to retreat for now.

"Throughout this story's history, plot devices have played a major role." Said Adam, his grin spreading even wider, "But now you are face with the ultimate plot device."

Adam pulled out a detonator and laughed manically.

"Y-you're mad!" said Chris, "But I like the way you think, nukes are very evil indeed."

"Now," said Adam, "Face the force that can destabilize the earth's core, destroy Godzilla and even save the world. All with an awesome explosion."

Chris braced himself as Adam pressed the button. But nothing happened. When Chris looked up, Adam was gone. The detonator was lying on the ground with a picture of a troll face taped to it. A foot away from the picture was a note.

_Dear Ulquiorra,_

_I've decided to continue my quest to fight Bobert on my own, many thanks to you for the very interesting attack to try and convince my foolish friends that Bobert would be too much for them. I did not expect to find that you were actually working for Bobert, but it still worked out well for both of us. In any case, I hope to see you soon._

_ Your new mortal enemy,_

_ Adam Wesker. _

_P.S. - Can I get your autograph at some point?_

_P.P.S. – if you happen to come across an annoying humanoid reptile named Bob, I implore you to end his existence in as painful a way as is possible._

"Adam must have dropped this on his way out," said Chris, "I wonder how he got out for that matter."

Chris turned to see a cartoon style, body shaped hole in the wall.

"Very funny…" he muttered to himself as he moved to look for the others and track down Adam, _"Either way, I will eliminate Bobert, his plan to dominate the universe is the single biggest threat to my plan to dominate the universe."_

…

"You really did plan this thing out after all." Noted Bobert, "Now they've separated, just as you said they would. It's almost like you know how Adam thinks!"

The shadowy figure gave a half smile before turning back to his computer to continue monitoring Adam and his comrades' movements. He would complete his plan. One way or another.


	12. Chapter 12

ZA

Chapter 12:

Naruto dimension – 7:45

Pete rubbed his head, pulling his hand away as he hit a tender spot. He looked down to his pistols and found that one had been shattered to pieces.

"I know what you're thinking." Said Seamus from above Pete, "But you're gun didn't break when you hit the floor. I broke it for you!"

Pete rolled over and fired at Seamus with his other gun, which also fell apart as he squeezed the trigger. Pete's face turned red and he screamed in rage, his bone blade arm reforming. He pinned Seamus up against a tree and growled. In the background, Chris's body returned to normal, the scythe disappeared in a flash of darkness particles.

"Cut it out Pete." Commanded Chris, "Seamus didn't break your guns. It's the dimension's fault; we're in the Naruto dimension in case you hadn't noticed."

"How is it…there're no guns in Naruto, are there."

"Bingo jagga Jingo."

"Wha…?"

Naruto looked at them questioningly for a few moments. He then drew a kunai and tried to sneak behind Seamus. Cthulhu grabbed his arm and lifted him off the ground.

"Crap!" yelled Naruto, "It's the eight tailed octopus demon!"

Cthulhu lifted all of his tentacles in the air and screamed into Naruto's face.

"The little shit just fainted." Explained Cthulhu, "What do you want me to do with him, master?"

"I really couldn't care less about that guy." Said Chris with a frown, "What we need to do now is try to find Bobert."

"What's the point?" asked Seamus, "Without Adam we're doomed anyway, we wouldn't have won any of our fights without him!"

Chris looked unconvinced, "I've entered a new level of power, one that it beyond Adam's ability. I can do whatever he could, and even better."

"But you don't have a super awesome virus…." Muttered Seamus

"BITCH, I'M THE GOD OF INSANITY!" yelled Chris in a terrifying voice

"Okay." Said Seamus quickly, his eyes darting side to side, not wanting to make contact with Chris's

Off in the distance, Zabuza was walking with his follower, Haku.

"…But I want to be a girl!" was the first thing Pete heard from Haku's mouth as the two walked past, "Please, Mr. Zabuza!"

"Shit. Shit. SHIT!" cursed Pete as he stared at Zabuza's Decapitating knife

"What is it?" questioned Chris as he crushed Seamus's windpipe under his boot

"I want dat der knife!" said Pete as his bone arm formed again

He quickly dashed at Zabuza, aiming to decapitate him with his bone arm. Zabuza side-stepped the attack without looking and threw his arm over Pete shoulder awkwardly.

"That's not a very nice thing to do, young man." Said Zabuza in a strange voice, "But I'll forgive you because you attacked me and not Kaku."

"Haku." Corrected Haku with a tone of dire annoyance, "Can I kill him, Mr. Zabuza?"

"No, Haku, you may not. We wouldn't want to risk ourselves before our all important role in Naruto comes to be."

Seamus stepped forward, "Actually you play a very small and unimpressive role in the series. The only two things that make you memorable at all are your awesome Decapitating Knife and the fact that you were the first antagonist in the show."

Zabuza broke into tears and ran away, Haku trailing behind him.

"I really hate this place." Said Chris, "Let's go somewhere else."

"Can't." explained Pete, "Adam's got the only portal device. Unless he's still here, we're really stuck."

Chris grinded his teeth together, "That virus infected, trench coat wearing, cartoon hole making _bastard!_"

"And so it was that Chris, Seamus, Chibi Cthulhu, and Pete were trapped in the Naruto dimension." Narrated Pete, "Woe is them, forever forced to live out the horrible plot and annoying flashbacks of the Naruto dimension." Pete stopped talking, his face one of surprise and excitement, "That's it!"

"What's it?" asked Cthulhu, "We're trapped, like you just said."

"No, no, no!" exclaimed Pete, "We can use this dimension to our advantage! We can have a flashback to when Adam attacked us and stop him from leaving with the portal device!"

"If that's the case, then why not flash back to the climax of _There can Be only One_ and just kill Adam _and_ Bobert?" asked Chris

"…"

Seamus was about to open his mouth to speak when a giant cloud of darkness enveloped the area. The group spun around, searching for threats, but none presented themselves. The darkness buzzed and writhed in the air, almost like…

"Chakra insects!" yelled Pete as he fell in a heap, his energy drained by the tiny bugs

Cthulhu collapsed, flies still covering his slimy form. Chris fell to a knee, his strength failing. Seamus stood and picked his nose as if nothing were happening.

"Seamus…" said Chris, his voice almost a whisper, "Do…something…"

Seamus pulled a chunk of snot out of his nose; it was the size of a small dog. He flicked it off, totally indifferent to the situation at hand. A yell of pain was heard, and the Chakra insects buzzed away. Shino, the one who had attacked them with the insects, lay unconscious with a giant ball of snot on his head. Chris pulled himself up again and shook his head. The others did the same.

"Fucking OP chakra bugs!" yelled Chris, "How the fuck is that guy a minor character? He's so OP!"

"O….P?"Asked Cthulhu slowly, "Over…Protective?"

"Over Powered!" yelled Chris over his shoulder, "It's so stereotypical for a former god of insanity to not be familiar with gamer slang!"

"Actually I've never heard…" started Pete

"Shut up."

"You know…" Cthulhu stepped into the middle of the group, "Living in this story is really just awful. It's just a bunch of dialogue, followed by a random fight scene, followed by more dialogue! I really hope the author comes up with something new…"

"**WELL…"** considered the author, **"NO!"**

…

Adam crouch-walked towards the edge of the forest. He wasn't ready to fight Bobert or Ulquiorra yet, and the Naruto dimension was the perfect training ground. It's like the second road in a Pokémon game, the enemies aren't too tough so you can level up without worrying about having to run back to a Poké center. Adam stood up suddenly, a look of fear and curiosity on his face.

"Is that _really_ the first Pokémon reference we've made in this show?" asked Adam out loud, "Huh…bout time."

He leapt out and double clothes lined two pre-teen ninjas. One was a girl with pink hair; the other was a boy with raven hair. Adam stared at the two for a moment before doubling over in laughter.

"Holy crap, I just clothes lined Sasuke and Sakura!" he yelled as Sasuke rolled over and groaned

"Now why'd you do that?" asked Sasuke calmly, "I was about to kill this pink-haired bitch."

"Allow me." Said Adam as he pressed his boot on Sakura's throat, "Wake up, _you useless bitch_!"

Sakura snapped to consciousness and tried to scream. Adam's face became one of hatred, his eyes turned red.

"I want you to listen very closely to me, Sakura-_kun_."

She nodded.

"You will never, under any circumstances, try to participate in any plot-relevant combat activity _ever again._ If you do, the person closest to you will perish. Furthermore, I want you to remain loyal to Sasuke no matter what happens, even if he, _for some reason,_ were to betray the village. And I want you to lie to Naruto, at some very important point later in the series, about loving him. If you ever stray from the path I have just laid out for you, I will hunt you down and fucking **EAT YOUR LIMBS!**"

He lifted his foot from her neck and she screamed.

"**DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?**"

"YES!"

"GOOD!" Adam teleported away, leaving Sasuke and Sakura to continue whatever they were doing, which probably involved a giant centipede for some reason or another.

Adam suddenly teleported back to the two, rubbing the back of his neck and laughing.

"Almost forgot about you, Sasuke!" he said with a laughing tone which suddenly turned serious, "If you ever come across a pale guy with his mid-drift exposed, I want you to kill him in as horrible of a fashion you can comprehend. And good luck with going blind in Shippuden!"

Adam teleported away, for good this time, and landed at the edge of a clearing. He spotted a man with an over-sized sword with a teenager (girl?) walking next to him. He labeled the pair as Zabuza and Kaku. Or was it Haku?

He drew his magma blade, which let plumes of flame and smoke out into the sky. He brought the blade close to his face.

"Shhh."

The fire dissipated and the katana turned into a normal blade. He spun it in his fist, clutching it in back-hand position. Zabuza was starting to turn around.

"Gotta try and end this fast!" yelled Adam as he charged out at the rogue ninja swordsman

Zabuza was ready for him, he threw Haku with one arm, knocking Adam over.

"Mr. Zabuza!" complained Haku, "You know I don't like guys that wear leather!"

"You should be happy I didn't cut both of you in half just to finish this quickly."

Adam stared at the two as they argued.

"_How could someone strong like Zabuza tolerate someone as weak as Haku?"_ he thought with wide eyes, _"I don't understand!"_

Zabuza finally took notice of Adam and knelt down next to him. He helped him up and patted his shoulder in a friendly manner.

"I'm gonna let you go, young man, but first I want to know who hired you to assassinate me." He said calmly

"No one did. I just wanted a tough opponent to train against." Adam explained

"You should have just asked in that case." Said Zabuza with a laugh, "Let's train right here, right now!"

"Before we do that," started Adam, "I have to ask a question."

But Zabuza was already in a fighting stance, "I'll answer if you manage to beat me. Now, come at me with all you've got!"

"That would kill you instantly."

"Quit joking around. COME AT ME BRO!"

As they leapt into the air and clashed swords, Haku made a face that looked like annoyance. She, uh, I mean…HE seemed disappointed in her…uh…damnit. Haku looks like a girl for chrissake! Don't get mad at me for getting confused. Fuck it. Haku was hit by a lightning bolt and got sucked into a different dimension. Because that's what happens to people who are struck by lightning, they get teleported to different dimensions. Like my uncle Todd…I miss Todd…

Adam cursed as the sheer mass of Zabuza's blade pushed him back to the ground with a painful thud. Dust and dirt flew into the air as Adam landed, but he quickly recovered and slashed at Zabuza, who was in freefall. Zabuza deflected the attack with the flat side of his sword, knocking Adam's katana out of his hand. Zabuza brought his blade up to finish Adam, but hesitated and brought it down again. Adam landed and picked up his katana again before teleporting behind Zabuza.

"You should have done it." He stated as he gently pressed the edge of his blade against Zabuza's neck, "Now you're going to lose this fight."

"I think not!" retorted Zabuza as he weaved several signs and flooded the forest with fog, "Hidden mist jutsu!"

In the second that Adam was distracted by the fog, Zabuza disappeared, only to reappear behind Adam with a kunai pressed against his neck.

"Pay more attention to your opponent." Advised Zabuza, "Your surroundings are important, but secondary when compared to your enemy."

Adam tightened his grip on the magma blade and it erupted in fire and smoke, blinding Zabuza for a moment. In that moment, Adam had deactivated the flames and kicked his opponent into a tree, which splintered and fell under the force of the impact. Adam teleported out of sight, but his voice still was audible from somewhere in the canopy of the forest.

"You're just a human." Came Adam's voice, "You can never defeat me, for I am much more powerful than you are."

"Well that was one of the most uninspired speeches I've heard in my entire life." Muttered Zabuza as he got back to his feet, "I am the Demon of the Mist! How dare you compare me to a pitiful human!"

Zabuza threw his Decapitating knife with insane accuracy into the trees and chopped the branch that Adam was standing on. Adam drove his katana into the tree to slow his fall, then teleported over Zabuza and came at him with a punch to the head. Zabuza managed to dodge in time and kick Adam away.

"A demon, eh?" said Adam as he flew backwards into the air, "We'll see just how terrifying you can be."

Adam teleported behind Zabuza and punched him in the kidney, making him cough and double over. Victory looked as though it was Adam's, but the cunning Demon of the Mist was faking and used Adam's momentary feeling of superiority to surprise him with a boot to the face. Adam recovered and teleported back to his magma blade. After retrieving it, he also pried Zabuza's Decapitating knife from the tree and threw it back to its owner, who caught it with one hand.

"You have a sense of honor, even in such trying times?" asked Zabuza

"Nope." Explained Adam, "I just hate boring fights."

They clashed again, but this time Adam shoved his blade through the large hole in Zabuza's blade. He used his new position to throw the sword away from its owner.

"I thought you said that you-"

"I lied."

Adam brought his blade down onto Zabuza. He quickly realized that he was not cutting into flesh and bone. It was a water clone.

Behind Adam, Zabuza was already mid-swing and caught him down the entirety of his back. Adam fell to a knee but his high speed regeneration brought him back in and instant. He turned to Zabuza and locked eyes with him.

"What exactly are you?" asked Zabuza, "A real demon?"

"I am…" Adam brought his blade over his head, "Immortal!"

Adam halted the attack when Zabuza put his hand up in defeat.

"I'm in no mood to fight an enemy I can't kill." Explained Zabuza as he bowed his head, "If the rules of your game where different, I would have won. But for now, Adieu."

"My question." Called Adam

"You already know the answer."

"No, I really don't."

"Oh. That usually get's people off my back. Umm, use more conditioner?"

"Get out of my sight before I kill you."

Zabuza started to walk away when he stopped and looked around.

"Where's Haku?" he stuttered out frantically, "Oh my! Where has that girl gone now!"

"Umm, isn't Haku a boy?"

"Seriously? She didn't say that when…" his voice trailed off, "I've…got to go…take care of something…"

Adam shrugged and continued his search for capable fighters. He found four facing him as soon as he turned around.

"Hello Adam." Said Chris as his hair changed to tentacle blades, "We've been waiting for you."

…

Robert walked through the castle of Ramon Salazar with hatred in his eyes. The very air in the place reminded him of the filthy midget who had lured him inside.

"_Hola. Me llamo-"_

"_Ramon Salazar. And yes, I know, you're 'only twenty'!" yelled Rob with anger, "Where is she?"_

"_You don't know? Oh how funny! You see, I just found out about her presence myself. Don't you worry about her; we'll take good care of her."_

"_I've heard that line before. IN THE GAME!" yelled Rob as he flipped Salazar off_

"_My, my, we've got a feisty one. If you care for your own well being, I suggest you surrender yourself and simply... become our hostage. Or Mr. Scott, you can give us the girl; because you're not worth a penny I am afraid. You can die"_

"_Give you the…?" Rob looked confused, "But I thought you had her!"_

"_Aw... So she fell into one of our wonderful traps."_

"_What?"_

"_We'll make sure we find her. Don't you worry about her."_

"_I'll find her first!"_

"_I let out the miserable insects out for some exercise down in the sewer."_

"_Umm, okay?"_

_Salazar stared at Rob with strange eyes. Rob stared back with perplexed ones._

"_Wait, a minute ago, did you call me…Mr. Scott?" questioned Rob, "Oh no, you are NOT mistaking me for that blonde dumb fuck Leon Kennedy!"_

_He fired…well…fire at Salazar, whose Verdugos blocked the attack._

"_AH! HOW RUDE! NO MORE GAMES! KILL HIM! KILL!"_

And then he had pulled a lever and thrown Rob deep into the bowels of the castle. He had no idea where to start looking for Cara, nor did he know what kind of condition to expect to find her in. Salazar's evil knew no bounds.

"_He is a midget, after all."_ Thought Rob, _"They can get away with anything!"_

As Rob's anger grew, his vision became more and more distorted. The walls appeared to move and the dim red/orange light was making his head hurt. He cracked his knuckles and send little spurts of flame out, warming the damp air.

"At least he didn't send his rape hand to get me." Said Rob out loud

Nothing happened. The walls still seemed to move, but nothing leapt out at him or made a noise.

"_I said_: At least he didn't send his rape hand to get me!"

Still nothing. Rob shrugged and kept walking towards the elevator whose location he'd memorized during his third play through of Resident Evil 4. Salazar's 'right hand' hung from the ceiling grips above him and winked its glowing orange eyes at Rob. Rob waved at him and kept walking. The Hand looked confused and dropped down to the ground, following Rob loudly. It suddenly fell through the floor grits and popped up next to Rob, its mandibles glistening in the dull light. Rob nodded at the Hand and kept walking again.

"You…" said the Hand in a raspy voice, "Are not afraid of me?"

Rob stopped and laughed, "Well, I played the game enough to be used to your presence."

"Game?" questioned the Hand with as much of a curious look as it could muster up, which amounted to a snarl, "What do you mean, game?"

"Never mind."

The two kept walking, Rob always slightly in front of the Hand. The Hand found itself staring at the back of Rob's head. It silently thought that the human's hair would taste wonderful.

"Do you…?"

Rob turned around to look at the Hand again, making it blush strangely.

"Do you…like the Hand?"

Rob's eyes went wide, "Well, yes, we all like the hand sometimes but…"

The Hand looked confused again.

"Oh, you meant…never mind then." Rob said while he rubbed the back of his head, "Yeah, I suppose you're pretty co-"

"You think the Hand is pretty?" said the Hand with an insanely disturbing smile, "Me think you pretty too!"

"I said you were pretty cool. You just cut me off."

"Oh…" the Hand rubbed its mandibles together nervously, "Is embarrassing for the Hand. The Hand thought-"

"Relax. It's cool, bro."

"_Bro…Me like new name."_ thought the Hand as it stepped into the elevator, pressing its Chitin plates against Rob because of the elevator's lack of room.

...

Everything was going wrong. That's what Adam thought as he dodged a mind laser from Seamus and kicked Cthulhu to the ground. They weren't supposed to be fighting him; they were supposed to be hunting Bobert. Then, after they'd located Bobert, they were supposed to soften him up so that Adam could finish the job. This was most unexpected. Chris took control of the group, as expected, but they still hadn't traveled to Bobert's hiding place. Why not? Pete had a portal device, after all! So why hadn't they gone yet?

Adam's thoughts were cut short as Pete brought his bone blade arm down onto Adam, cutting through his collar bone and pinning him onto the ground below.

"Got you now!" taunted Pete as he wheeled back for a decapitation with his other bone blade arm

"Not really." Said Adam as he activated his magma katana and burned Pete off of him

Another of Seamus's mind lasers flew at Adam as he was still healing up. He put the magma katana on full blast and blocked the attack. The laser and Adam got into a pushing contest for a moment, but Adam sensed he would lose and teleported away. The laser continued on its path and hit Pete.

"Sorry Pete!" called out Seamus, "He move and you got…never mind, you can figure it out."

Behind them all, Chris was in the process of charging an attack. He held the scythe behind him, ready to swing. Its blade was pulsing with dark energy and almost ready to fire when Adam teleported right in front of Chris and kicked his shin. Chris yelped in pain and the attack fired off before it was ready, sending a massive black sphere of energy into the air. The force of its launch pushed everyone into the ground.

"HOW THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?" yelled Adam as he tried to stand under the attack's force

"BITCH, I'M THE GOD OF INSANITY!" yelled Chris as he pushed himself onto his feet

"Glub-glub." Was all Seamus managed to say under the force of the attack

Indeed, glub-glub was all that any of the others could say. Zabuza was barely even alive under the attack's pressure. Yeah, he's still here. And don't forget that he's here; he might become important in a little while.

"MASTER!" yelled Cthulhu from a few yards away, "YOU HAVE TO TELL THE ATTACK TO STOP, OR ELSE IT WILL DRAIN YOUR POWERS TEMPORARILY!"

"STOP!" yelled Chris. No effect, "IT'S NOT WORKING!"

"I KNOW!" responded Cthulhu, "I WAS FUCKING WITH YOU, IT SHOULD RUN OUT OF STEAM SOON!"

The attack dissipated and everyone slowly stood up again. Pete stumbled towards Adam, ready to slice him open. Adam parried and slashed Pete in a blur of super-sonic motion, severing all the tendons in his arms in just a second. Seamus charged at Adam and tackled him; pushing Adam back a few feet before Adam kneed Seamus in the neck and threw him aside. Cthulhu shot bone appendages at Adam as he teleported closer, in vain. Adam gripped Cthulhu's wrist and twisted it behind him, locking Cthulhu in front of him by grasping his other arm and holding him in place. As such, Chris's attack cut Cthulhu near in half vertically. The former god of insanity fell in a pile of viscous organic waste. Chris glared at Adam with eyes of hatred.

"You disgusting bastard!" screamed Chris as he brought his scythe down onto Adam, who teleported away and activated his Magma blade on full power. Adam lifted the blade of fire over his head and brought it down, sending a boomerang of flame at Chris, who blocked it with his bare hand. The fire pushed against Chris's ascended form for a few moments before he crushed it down into the ground, redirecting the attack through sheer force of will. When Chris looked up, Adam was gone.

"At least he didn't leave a fucking cartoon hole this time." Muttered Chris as he squeezed Cthulhu back together and ordered him to heal the others

Then Chris noticed that the temperature was rising unnaturally fast. He looked around and realized in an instant that about a mile of land around them was surrounded by walls of fire, which formed a closed roof. He, and the others, were trapped inside.

"Reduce all of creation to ash!" cried Adam as he revealed his sword's true form, "Ryūjin jakka!"

The katana burned brighter, where before the blade had become red like fire and emitted light and some small, licking flames, now it was engulfed in an inferno. It was as if the very metal itself had been made in the depths of the earth and now sought to destroy its creator.

The walls of fire closed in on them. Chris burned his eyes into Adam, wishing that he could shoot his gaze through the virus bearer's body and kill him in that instant. He started charging up the same energy attack from before.

"Cleave hope to pieces!" cried Chris as he reached yet another level of knowledge in understanding his powers, "Kuruijini!"

Chris's scythe changed forms, the blade grew large and unwieldy. Out of its length grew tentacles of darkness, which attached themselves to Chris's neck and shoulders.

Again, as before, waves of darkness and towers of flame clashed and broke upon one another. The once lush forest was burned from existence, and anyone unfortunate to be touched by the darkness of Kuruijini was first thrown into insane fits of convulsions and vile dreams that would eat the stitching out of Levis, and then killed by sheer terror that literally blew their minds.

The sheer level of the combat was enormous. If they were not contained in Adam's fire trap, most of the world would have either burned into nothingness of be reduced to babbling glub-glub insanity followed by short death. Either fate would have made either fighter happy.

"Merry Christmas, Cthulhu!" yelled Seamus to Cthulhu, who was being slowly pushed deeper and deeper into the dirt

"Thank you, Seamus. My tentacles will have a special burning sensation when they tear your organs out and feed the back to you through an orifice that is not meant for eating!"

Pete stared up at the great battle in the sky, his eyes were tearing up.

"If I had my 13mm pistols, I could shoot Adam right now." He silently sobbed, "Stupid Naruto dimension! I'm never gonna read your manga again!"

...

Bobert looked startled as he stared at the screen, watching the colossal battle between Chris and Adam. He suddenly grinned before turning to face the shadowy figure behind him.

"You were right, old friend." Said Bobert with a muted chuckle, "They will be fun to kill, especially now that they've grown to master the extent of their powers!"

"Wrong, Bobert." Said the figure, "They're nowhere near masters of the power you see now. True, this is close to their full potential, but they'll only be able to use such powers against one another. Why do you think that Adam didn't use this power on Ulquiorra? Or Zabuza?"

"An interesting point." Noted Bobert, "You really do have all the answers."

The glares of light from the screen vanished, drawing Bobert's attention.

"Don't tell me that it's over already?" he said in a concerned voice

...

Chris and Adam both suddenly plummeted from the sky, smoke pouring from Adam, darkness particles from Chris. The landed hard, lifting a cloud of dust. Pete and the others finally stood up and moved to find what had happened to their friend…and Adam.

"Glub-glub..." muttered Chris as he reverted to his original form

"Did I just hit my mid-teenage-life crisis?" asked Adam

"That's not a thing." Explained Pete, "Now give me the portal device."

"The fuck are you talking about?" yelled Adam, "Why do you need mine? Use your own!"

"But I don't…" Pete felt his jacket, "Oh…my…god!"

Everyone looked at Pete.

"GUESS WHAT GUYS?"

Zabuza punched Pete into a smoldering tree, "I don't know who that was, but he seemed like he just pulled a dick move."

"Good work, Zabuza." Said Adam as he got up, "You may die now."

Zabuza was hit by a lightning bolt and was reduced to a pile of ash.

"Ha-ha, yeah!" clapped Adam as he kicked Chris in the gut and ran away

"You son of a-" Chris's voice caught in his throat as he noticed the pile of ash that was once Zabuza was formed in the shape of a cartoony outline, "No…"

"Chris?" asked Cthulhu, "You alright?"

"NOOO!" yelled Chris as his darkness blocked out the sun, "DAMN YOU!"

...

Rob and Bro the Hand walked through the doorway, into a stone room. Salazar turned around quickly.

"Ah, you've just missed her. The ritual is over. She left with my men to an island." Explained Salazar as the great organic mass behind him pulsed and moaned

"We _are_ talking about the same girl, right?" asked Rob with some annoyance in his voice, "Short brown hair, probably wearing a hoodie?"

"I think it's time I pay my respects towards your impressive and stubborn will."

"Oh my god, say something new for once!"

"Mr. Kennedy…" Salazar started

Rob blasted a hadouken at Salazar and killed him.

"Welcome!" Rob finished Salazar's sentence for him, "God I hate this game so much right now!"

Bro the Hand started running his mandibles through Rob's hair while making rapid clicking noises.

"The hell are you up to?" asked Rob angrily

"S-sorry..." Bro the Hand backed off, "Where do we go now?"

"I guess we go to the island..."

Leon ran in from behind them.

"Salazar!" he cried before looking around, "Salazar?"

"He' dead." said Rob quickly, "Get out of here before I kill you."

"No thanks, bro."

"Go to hell."

"No thanks, bro."

"I swear, I'll get the Hand to shove his pointy tail up your rectum and twist it around until you shit out your own eviscerated organs."

"Thanks, bro."

Rob looked questioningly at Leon, who stared back while smiling.

Rob shook his head, "No thanks, bro."

"Why do you keep saying my name?" asked Bro the Hand


	13. The Filler of Doom

ZA

Chapter 13: The unlucky ones…

Hello, reader, this is chapter 13, and for the sake of Z.A. as a whole, I refuse to make a chapter 13 that is directly related to the 'plot'. As a substitute, I'm going to give you whatever this is. Which is an apology letter addressed to every single memorable character who died in Z.A. Enjoy.

Dear Everyone,

Hi guys! I'm going to send this to everyone, because I don't have the time to bother with each of you individually. And it's more fun this way, right? Well, I'll try my best to go in order of appearance. Apologies from you for getting in my way will not be accepted. And before you all jump on me at once, I only killed a scant few of the people on this list.

First up: Tomer

Tomer, my…friend…you simply were in this story for comedy's sake. And even in that, you failed somewhat. I'm so sorry that Bobert turned into a woman and clawed your eyes out, you will be avenged!

Second: Kelly

Nobody knows who you really are; just that Lauren thought you talked too much and decided that I should kill you. Sorry, whoever you are.

Third: Laura

Can't believe that I almost forgot our favorite zombie! I call you favorite because you're the only one who had a name. I killed you, but if you hadn't been infected I swear I wouldn't have killed you. At least until your relevance to the plot wore out. Which would have been in chapter 2 anyway.

Fourth: Jeice and the Ginyu force's pride

Personally, I enjoyed your part in the Dragon Ball series. I found you funny, flamboyant, and even wise at times. So I formally apologize for the actions of Rob and Seamus. I had nothing to do with it. Also, Seamus says that Jeice's body gave him AIDs, so now he can't say the AIDs joke to me anymore, thanks for that! Jeice, my man, have fun in Space Australia Hell. I hear it's even hotter there than in Space Australia!

Fifth: Excalibur

I hate you, yet love you. That would be the only way for me to describe my feelings toward you, Excalibur. Let the record show that it was not me who killed you, rather, it was…wait, no, that one was me. I won't apologize.

Sixth, Seventh and eighth: Seamus's siblings

Yes, I remembered the promise I made to Seamus when he volunteered to go outside the barricade back in chapter 4. He said, and I quote, _"__If I don't come back...kill my siblings." _You may argue that Seamus did, in fact, come back so I had no right to kill you. Well, face the facts; G-seamus came back, not Seamus. Furthermore, when Seamus was infected with the G-virus, it altered his DNA. This means that he, technically and genetically speaking, was not the same person when he returned. You don't think I'm cleared of crime yet? Sue me.

Ninth: Orochimaru

You, good sir, are amazing. I love everything about you. I even gave myself an extended tongue just like yours when I injected myself with the new virus. Huge fan, but, uh, you tried to kill me. And you actually succeeded in killing Monica, even if it was an accident. But don't worry, old friend, I ordered Sasuke to be eternally loyal to you when I met him in…shit, guess I forgot that part. Ummm…bye.

Tenth: Pete's entrance scene

Good and kind Pete, I would just like to point out that this was your fault. If you hadn't been playing with you genetically modified mouse, the Author would have waited for the next chapter to start your entrance. Your fault, totally and completely. I'm not really sure who to send this letter to, seeing that you're still alive. Guess it'll just be something fun for the others to read. Wow this was a waste of my time.

Eleventh: T-103

Sorry, Trenchy, you should have just gone after Leon instead. With any luck, one of your twins will appear again in a later chapter. Sometimes I wish you would have joined us, could have been invaluable in some situations, but no, we killed you and are now stuck with a shrunken tentacle monster to fill the role that should have rightfully been yours. Sorry, my friend.

Twelfth: Cat/Rat alliance force squad 17

I…I didn't even know that you existed until Pete told me about the alliance. I had no idea that you were on a critical mission in your rebellion against Pete's tyranny and experiments. Sorry. I wonder how the rest of your alliance is holding up against that zombie horde that breached Pete's facility? Oh, right, the nuke has probably gone off already. Wait, then how are we going to find Bobert?

Thirteenth: Giant Resident evil 3 worm

I know that you had nothing to do with the overall story whatsoever, so I'll keep it brief and sweet. Kate still has that piece of your flesh, and we all enjoyed your presence in the story. Thanks for your contribution!

Fourteenth: Lauren

You where there when it started, but will not be around for the end. Alas, your value to the story ran out three chapters before your death. Consider yourself lucky that you were killed by a cute Koala and not mauled by a zombie or crushed by a giant snake. You had, probably, the fewest lines out of all the protagonists. Or did Nirali? Whatever, sorry, I miss you. Sorta. Not really. Oh yeah, you came back to life and was torn apart by G-seamus, forgot about that. Never mind, you died horribly and had no peace in death. Sorry about that.

Fifteenth: Starved cat

I'm assuming that you were one of Pete's experiments, but I've no way of being sure. Let you find peace in the fact that you did not die alone: many other cats were wiped out by the zombie hordes and will await you in whatever post-death dimension cats go to. I'm assuming hell. I'm sorry, but unlike my father, who loved cats, I hate them. I really feel no pity for you at all. But you provided G-seamus with a new body, so good job.

Sixteenth: World Domination cat

You are the second shortest living character in this show; with Laura being the very least long lived. I am sure that you would have made an amusing adversary if you had made it out of that tube. Now, as I understand it, your remains have been sent to the large community field to be used as fertilizer. Too bad that those remains will be nuked in about an hour. Oh shit, how're we going to go back to Pete's…I already asked this rhetorical question, didn't I? Don't answer that. Oh, who'm I kidding, you're dead!

Seventeenth: RJ

! YOU FUCKING DIED! No, but in all seriousness, I miss you. You seemed to be the only voice of reason, the only mentally stable person in our original group. That means I've got nobody to pick on anymore. So yeah, I miss you, but do I regret the fact that you died? No, not really. You see, your character, like so many others, outlived his usefulness back in chapter 6. The moment you got left behind in the original dimension, you were doomed. I suppose that, in a way, this is my fault. I did shoot you back in The Can Be Only One, which is what incapacitated you for all of this, the sequel. To do list: kill one of your closest friends. Check.

Eighteenth: Amarande

Dude, you were awesome. I love you. I fucking love you. Now that me and Chris are enemies, can you do me favor and come back to life to kill him? Never mind that, just come join me! We can be bros!

Nineteenth: You

You've made the mistake of spending your time reading this, reader, and now you have less time to do more important and healthy things. Now, I'm not saying that you are going to die, no, no, no; I'm just saying that you've got less time to live. The clock's ticking…don't be late. Keep reading my stuff, and maybe review every once in a while!

Conclusion: What?

This 'chapter' was for the sole purpose of entertainment and is only meant to satisfy my paranoia about the number 13. I think it gives me good luck, and I don't want Z.A. getting any better than it was in chapter 10. If it did, making new chapters would take too long and I'd get bored with it. So be happy that I gave you this lovely work of literary prowess. Blood for the Blood Gods!

Part 2: It's not over yet

This, dear reader, is the part when I give you a little bit of actual entertainment. Now begins…

The Adventures of Raf 'n' Pals!

Sub-story/filler

It was a bright and beautiful day at TOVN when Raf walked down the hallway, skipping, and sat down next to his friends. His friends: Ritchie, Ian, Karla, Trevor, Jenson, Todd and Tod all waved to him.

"Hello Raf!" yelled Todd, "It's a beautiful day, right other Todd?"

"I agree!" yelled Tod, "It is, indeed, a beautiful day, complete with acceptably boring weather cycles and a nondescript event schedule!"

"I hate life…" muttered Jenson sadly, "I want to be an ultramarine again!"

"Oh, posh!" said Trevor, "You died easy! I was brutally murdered, right Ritchie?"

"Get off my back about it already!" screamed Ritchie, "I was bored with being a janitor!"

Ian punched Ritchie, "You killed my best friend! Now I'm gonna kill you!"

"But you're a misanthropist!" asked Karla, "Why do you even have a best friend?"

"Misanthropist? I don't know the meaning of the word."

(He really doesn't)

"C'mon, guys!" said Raf happily, "Don't act so glum! You need to lighten up and act groovier!"

"He liked the sixties." Said Jenson slowly, "But I want to be an ultramarine again…"

"Shut up, Jenson." Barked Ritchie, "Before I do to you what I did to Arnold Schwarzenegger's political career!"

"GAME ON, GETCHA GAME ON!" yelled/sang Todd, "IT'S YOOOUUURRR MOVE!"

"SHUT UP TODD!" yelled Tod, "I HATE BEING RELATED TO YOU!"

"Work it harder, make it better, do it faster, hm, hmm, hmmm." Sang Raf, "I love the music of the new aged folks! It's hip, cat!"

"Go away." Said Ian calmly, "You're not wanted."

"I enjoy the presence of turtles." Said Karla, "…Why did I say that?"

"Because of the Author?"

The Author sat down next to them, "Actually, I'm letting Dr. Doom write this thing. Apparently he's decided to add me as a character."

"**THE FINGER LASERS!" **yelled Doom, **"WORSHIP THE LASERS!"**

"No." said Jenson simply, "I refuse."

"**I'm the author now, bitches!"** he explained, **"I CONTROL EVERYTHING! EVEN YOU!"**

Jenson started leaping into the air and foot diving into Tod, who cried out in pain.

"Jenson cut it out!"

"!"

Raf stood up and walked away, "My phone said there was a sale on watermelons at A & P. Gotta go."

"Why did your phone…?"

"I programmed it to let me know. I like the melons…"

"Not gonna ask."

"Amazing day so far. I would enjoy the continuation of this trend." Said Todd

"Shut up and help me, other Tod!" cried Tod as he was foot-dived by Jenson

Todd leapt onto Jenson and pulled him back to the ground. Dr. Doom cursed. Jenson shook his head drowsily, "Did I…just spam someone?"

"That's right, Jenson, but everything's okay now." Explained Ritchie, "Here, let me give you a hug."

Jenson smiled stupidly and reached for Ritchie, who smashed his face into the floor.

"Fucking moron." Muttered Ritchie

"**PATHETIC FOOLS!"** Cried Doom, **"YOU KNOW NOT OF WHAT AWAITS YOU IN THE FUTURE! Please, allow me to explain. There will be a battle of good and evil…wait no, no, just a battle of evil and evil. BUT, hear me out, for YOU will be caught in the middle of the fight! YOU, every one of you, MUST SURVIVE!"**

"The hell's Mr. Cataclysm on about?" asked Karla, "ANY WHY THE HELL ARE WE HERE?"

"**DUNNO, WHY ARE YOU HERE?"**

"Can you send us back to our own story?"

"**YOU GOT IT, PRETTY LADY!"**

Ian, Karla, Ritchie and Trevor disappeared. Presumably they went back to Necrosis…which you should read…please?

"Doom, stop self-advertising." said Author, "That's supposed to be my job."

"Did those four random people just disappear?" asked Todd, "Why is Jenson still here, then?"

"Because if I go back, I'll still be dead." explained Jenson, "And, as much as I'd like to be an ultramarine again, I'd rather be living."

"Pussy!" yelled the Author, "I'd rather be dead and happy than living and miserable!"

"Are you telling me to commit suicide?"

"Aren't we all?"

Raf walked back in, covered in little bits of watermelon.

"Ohhhh yyeeaahhhh. I FUCKIN' LOVE WATERMELONS!"

Everyone stared at him.

"Doom?" asked the Author, "Did…did you do this?"

**"I TRIED TO STOP HIM, BUT HIS WILL WAS TOO STRONG!"**

"Ew."

TO BE CONTINUED?

No.

PART THREE!

The mind of the Chris.

The Author has temporarily given me, Chris, control of the writing being submitted to you, reader. You will feel the barbed tendrils of my madness in due time. In the mean time, I want you to read this little story I wrote. It's my view on how this story should end. Enjoy, if you don't, I'll kill you.

Seamus: Accidently destroys himself during the final battle.

Pete: Helps me defeat Bobert and Adam in exchange for control of the original dimension. Not like I want that place anyway.

Bob: I drive him insane and keep him as my pet.

Cthulhu: remains my loyal minion forever.

G-seamus: I really don't even know that guy.

Bobert: Dies in writhing insanity as my scythe cuts the very fabric of his mind to shreds.

Adam: I'll burn him with his own katana and spread his ashes in a cartoon shape for irony's sake.

The shadowy figure: Dead.

Ulquiorra: I'll either kill him or form an alliance.

The girls: Don't know them, don't care.

Nirali: She wasn't a messenger at all. She must pay for her insolence.

Rob: I force him to stay in the Resident evil 4 dimension for all time.

That's my, Chris's, view of how this will end. Got any qualms with it? Too bad.

Now it's Pete's turn on how he thinks this'll end. Enjoy!

Hey, it's Pete-sama! Now, I'm going to be your ruler someday, so I'd like for us to be friends as soon as we can. If not then you'll become an experiment. Well, you probably will anyway. I'm making a dead with Chris, so I get the original dimension, where the test subjects are too weak to even talk back when I dissect them and implant bamboo into their lungs to see what'll happen. I look forward to seeing you all unconscious on a lab table! I'll see you, but you won't see me.

Seamus's turn…you can skip it if you want. SKIP IT!

Dear Mr. Rogers,

I really like your show and enjoy the jokes you made. I hope to visit your dimension soon, once the guy with the funny arms get's us back to the big house with lots of doors. I don't really like that guy, but he's useful. I wonder why Adam decided to hurt us, he never said anything about switching teams before! That guy's not what I thought he was. I'll have to crush him like a piece of gelatin. The long haired one isn't very nice, but he's really strong, maybe even stronger than Adam was! But I don't think he likes Seamus or Mr. Funny arms much, he might hurt us too, like Adam tried to. I kind of miss the other me, he was actually very nice to talk to when I was in the back of his head. I wonder how he's doing.

Your BFFLOLOMG,

The Infamous Seamus

Why didn't you skip it!

Anyway, here's Rob's. No, just kidding, nobody wants to know what he expects. He doesn't really know what's going on anyway.

PART FOUR!

Yeah, it's still not over. Are you really so upset about that little fact? Too bad.

Now Adam shall explain certain parts that may have been unclear to some people. This's gonna take awhile…

_Question #1:_ Who the hell is Harry?

This question has its origins back in chapter 1, but don't bother looking, there's no explanation to be found there. That's why it's on this list! The explanation is this: Harry was one of Monica's friend at TOVN before the viral outbreak. He was kind of a douche and as such, Monica had an arousing desire to hunt him down and kill him with her bare hands. Happy now?

_Question #2:_ Who the hell is Kelly?

This question also has its origins back in chapter one, but don't bother looking, there's no explanation to be found…I already said that. Anyway, Kelly was one of my classmates at TOVN before the viral outbreak, she was a total bitch and talked until she ran out of breath, yet still, after she ran out of breath, she continued talking. All of us here believe that she suffered extensive mental damage due to a lack of oxygen flow to the brain. You're welcome.

_Question #3:_ Lauren's desire to poke Rob?

This question has its origin in chapter two. The back story is that, before the viral outbreak, Lauren had a habit of poking Rob whenever possible. Funny, right?

Nirali's love of RJ's flesh (as a food, you pervert!)

This question has its origins in Adam Vs Bobert, but first turned up in Z.A. back in chapter two. Nirali has an unnatural love for chocolate, and as such, decided to try every type of chocolate in existence. As a joke, me and Lauren told Nirali that there was such a thing as "Cepok Chocolate" and that it could be gained from RJ. We did not expect Nirali to become a cannibal in order to try the "Chocolate". Okay, maybe I did. Is that so wrong?

_Question #5:_ The AIDs joke?

This joke first arrived in chapter three, and has been quite persistent ever since. The last known time it was used was in this filler chapter, during the letter of apology. This joke is pretty obviously Seamus's fault. He's just such a little asshole. He should die, but the Author likes him. Fucking Author, I'll get you back…somehow…

_Question #6:_ Zombies don't have back problems?

No, they do not. I don't know if anyone reading this has ever held a dead body, but they're quite flexible. They bend in many different directions. It's rather funny to watch zombies dragging their heads on the ground because they've bent backwards.

_Question #7:_ Becky knows how to see egos?

Why, yes, she does. She can see chakras surrounding people as a result of intense mountain-top training in Shangri-la. Apparently the egoistical chakra looks purple, who'd of thought?

_Question #8:_ What happened to my ninjato?

This question has its origins in chapter four, when Becky gave me her extra ninjato as a token of peace. The answer? Well, it turns out that Kate stole it back right after I attached it to my back. How? Using a plot device, of course.

_Question #9: _How was Seamus able to pull Monica's high heel out of his neck and then eat it?

There are many questions about Seamus that I'd like to see answered, myself. Personally, I'd like to know how having the G-virus gave him the ability to fire lasers from his mind. Maybe it'll be explained in a later chapter.

_Question #10: _Why did the Author speak to us the first time by using Adam, but then never in that fashion again?

He learned the power of the megaphone. You should all learn the power of the megaphone.

_Question #11: _The Ginyu force? I don't even…why!

Well, that is a very good question indeed. IT WAS BOBERT YOU FUCKING MORON!

_Question #12:_ Jeice's interest in Seamus?

Okay, I'll admit that I have no idea what Jeice's sexual preferences are, but apparently he liked Seamus. There's really no way…I mean…how do you even expect me to know that?

_Question #13:_ Seamus ate Jeice?

Boy, you assholes really like asking questions about Jeice! As a matter of fact, the rare _Seamusonus Novus _sub-species of humans mate through consuming their lovers. The idea is that they gain the preferable traits of the eaten mate through this process. Perhaps that is how Seamus can now fire his lazar?

_Question #14:_ Crona's gender?

She's a girl.

_Question #15:_ Why does Kate's Chibi Gir have a built in flamethrower?

A girl's gotta be careful. It's a crazy world out there.

_Question #15:_ Excalibur?

Don't bring back bad memories. Everything from that day is still a blur to me.

_Question #16: _The mind of the Seamus?

The unknowns involved prevent this equation from ever actually being directly proved, but this is claimed to have been indirectly proved.

_Question #17:_ Why did G-seamus's accent disappear?

Repressed original Seamus was always pressing up against G-seamus's conscious, though this was not enough interference to disrupt G-seamus's control over Seamus's body, it was certainly enough to destroy G-seamus's speech patterns.

_Question #18: Smoking hamsters?_

I have no idea. It just befuddles me when I try to understand why Becky used that line. Hehehe, befuddles...

_Question #19:_ Wait, so, when RJ said that he'd seen Seamus in the same mind state as he was when G-seamus first controlled him, was it really from consuming living flesh or was that just some random crap the Author put in?

Neither, RJ's just an idiot, that's all.

_Question #20:_ If Adam lost his Ninjato as soon as he received it, then how did he use it to cut G-seamus's finger in chapter five?

Because...shut up.

_Question #21: _Why are there so many anime characters in this fic?

This question was first posed by Rob is chapter 5. The answer is that these people are simply the strongest ones that Bobert can find to throw at us. You may be thinking, 'why not just send superman?'. The answer? Superman is OP, that's why. If you don't know what OP stands for then you skipped last chapter and shouldn't be reading this!

_Question #22:_ Why was Orochimaru's summoning snake still there after it died? Don't summoned creatures return to their respective dimensions after they die in the Naruto canon?

Ah, I see there was a Naruto fan among the readers! How good that you decided to be a troll for the sake of making your presence known to the outside world for the first time since comic-con. Oh, am I being offensive? Too bad, face the facts, you need to get outside before your skin become transparent. As for your answer, I'll give you one when you leave a review! A signed and verified review, that is.

_Question #23:_ When did Adam contact Pete?

Back in Adam vs. Bobert, I thought I explained this already!

_Question #24:_ Why does Adam care whether Seamus dies or not? Well, made sense in the recent chapters, but why did he back in chapter 6?

I enjoy having Seamus around for comic relief and, believe it or not, he can make a great Tuscany soup.

_Question #25:_ How the hell does Kate make faces with her voice?

The explanation is quite simple, you see, the plutonium is unstable, or radioactive. Its atoms are constantly 'falling apart', breaking up into smaller elements that are more stable. Every time one nucleus does this, it releases the extra energy it no longer needs to hold it together, as well as a few left-over neutrons. This energy, and the escaping neutrons, is what we describe as the _radiation_ being emitted from the radioactive plutonium. This energy and flow of escaping neutrons can damage human cells, so radioactivity is dangerous.  
>Enough atoms in the chunk of plutonium are breaking down at any one time to make the chunk of plutonium warm up, but not enough to be considered an <em>explosion<em>.

What happens in the bomb, however, changes that! The force of the TNT explosion causes the plutonium to be squashed, or compressed in size, and become very dense. This is called its _'critical mass'_; the plutonium is now so densely packed together that _the neutrons escaping from the decaying nuclei of plutonium cannot escape from the plutonium without bumping into another plutonium atom!_

When they hit another atom, _they cause that nucleus to break down too, whether it was ready to or not._ That second nucleus releases more energy, and more neutrons, _which in turn go on to hit and break up further nuclei._ The decaying nuclei cause more decaying nuclei, and so on, in a rapidly escalating _chain reaction_ ... and all because the plutonium has been squeezed into such a dense state (by the TNT) that the escaping neutrons that normally would fly out of the material now can't, without hitting other nuclei!

Within a very tiny fraction of a second, **all** the nuclei in the chunk of plutonium have been hit by escaping neutrons, and have broken down. The extra energy in trillions of atomic nuclei is all released at once! This energy is considerable; the atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima in WWII was an example of this process.

Thankfully, more peaceful uses for this process have been found. Critical mass can also be achieved by just collecting together enough plutonium in one place; if it's thick enough, the neutrons can't escape without hitting another nucleus, and the chain reaction will start. By inserting special neutron-absorbing material in between portions of the plutonium, the rate at which the chain reaction proceeds can be controlled, resulting in a 'slow burn' instead of an explosion. This is the process that takes place inside a nuclear power plant. The heat generated by the nuclear fission is used to heat water into steam that turns a generator.

Now you know how the atomic bomb works. Moving on.

_Question #26:_ Why did Pete make a underground/underwater/underatmosphere/amphibious/selfsustaining/selfreplicating/fireproof/waterproof/zombieproof/nukeproof/researchdedicated/survivalfocused base?

I'm not answering this question because you forgot to mention that it's also a hot-tub.

_Question #27:_ Seventy security gates? Why?

Ask Pete.

_Question #28: _Dual 13mm handguns?

Pete likes guns. Pete likes Hellsing. Hence: 13mm handguns.

_Question #29:_ Why was Becky barefoot?

She wasn't, it's just that she's a ninja and as such she wants you to think she's not wearing shoes, but she really is. But at the same time she isn't. It's like a dream inside of a dream BBUUURRRR!

_Question #30:_ So, is the Author, like, a Dragon Ball Z fan or something?

No shit.

_Question #31:_ What happened to Steve the Koala assassin?

Man, I don't goddamn know. You think I keep track of everybody I meet?

_Question #32:_ Do G-seamus's tentacles really move independently?

I really, really hope so.

_Question #33:_ Bob.

BURN TO CINDERS: CHAOTIC FLAME!

_Question #34:_ The world domination cat?

What? You've never heard of the almighty world domination cat? That is why you shall be the first to die in the upcoming end of days.

_Question #35:_ The Chris. Who the fuck is he?

Chris? I knew him back in the day, you know, back when we used to go and watch the submarines races and talk about how our rides could blow the doors off of each other. I remember one time, we had to beat feet away from the heat, they were after us because of our midnight car service. I really thought that the guy was just a flake, but it turns out he's pretty hip. I have to say, his presence in the story has been a real game changer, and I've often wanted to ask him what his bag is about stereotypical characters, but I've long since come to terms with how much of a hater he is to those people. Tubular, bro.

_Question #36:_ Chibi Cthulhu?

A small, cute version of the once great lord of insanity and chaos.

_Question #37:_ Is Rob a one piece fan?

You're a moron if you really asked that question!

_Question #38:_ Who's Cara?

Rob's close friend who he decides to rescue. He always was such a chivalrous bastard.

_Question #39:_ Rob's virus?

I gave it to him because there's no way that his usual witty comments would help him survive in the Resident Evil 4 dimension. No possible way.

_Question #40:_ The Light Yagami courtroom scene?

It was the most logical conclusion that I could find. RJ was clearly killed by a heart attack, so it must have been Light Yagami. But we really should have gotten a warrant before arresting/kidnapping him. Did you know that Seamus received a license to kill from the CIA?

_Question #41:_ The Author?

The Author? He's the Author! This is basic, guys, the Author! The. Author. Of. The. Story. You guys are sad, sometimes. Not as sad as RJ though.

_Question #42:_ What is the fourth wall?

Talking with the audience, but we never do that.

_Question #43:_ Why was Seamus the Dragonborn for like a second?

Because…he's…DOVAKIIN!

_Question #44:_ What did Pete mean when he was threatening to blow up Bobert and he said, 'Art…' What was he going to say?

It's a reference to Deidara from Naruto Shippuden, whose favorite expression was: "Art…IS AN EXPLOSION!"

_Question #45:_ The Call of Cthulhu board game?

It's a thing. Look it up.

_Question # 46:_ Does Adam have an attraction to Ulquiorra?

If I find any single trace of Yaoi ANYWHERE on the internet I will hunt you down and kill you. I'll skin you slowly with a dull knife blade covered in vinegar. Then I will sell your dead body to Umbrella so that the employees can experiment on it. Or I'll send your dead body to Tricell, where they'll just have necrophilian sex with it. I'm not kidding. I'LL FUCKING DO IT! But, yes, I do have a friendly attachment to Ulquiorra.

_Question #47:_ If Cthulhu was trapped under the ocean for millions of years, before mankind even existed, how was he able to watch Bleach the entire time?

Cthulhu is a god. He probably would know how this fic is going to end if he cared enough to look before Chris stole his powers.

_Question #48:_ Where did Adam get the Magma Blade?

Okay, first off, it was explained in the last chapter that it's Ryūjin Jakka. Second off, I'm borrowing it from Captain-Commander Yammamoto from Bleach. We came to an agreement that I would never bring my idiot friends to the Bleach dimension if he lent me his zanpakuto, or spirit sword, to defeat Bobert. Up until now, I've kept my promise and intend to continue doing so until Bobert is firmly dead again.

_Question #49:_ Did Adam really have a nuclear bomb?

I explained how the Atomic Bomb works in question #25. I could make one if I wanted, or I could just use Ryūjin Jakka to a similar effect. Which would be easier?

_Question #50:_ Who is the Shadowy Figure working for Bobert?

Fuck man, I dunno. Just wait and see, my dear reader, and perhaps it'll become clear when your eyes roll his or her name in your mind for a few minutes, in order to comprehend the total epic-ness of the Shadowy Figure's true identity! But to narrow down his or her identity to you, my dear reader, he is not from the anime Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni. You all know what that is, right?

...

If you actually read all fifty questions, then you're a boss and deserve a gift. Here is it:

Imagine what it would look like if Pete where to try and clean his fingernails using his bone blade arm.

Thank you for reading!

_Super Special Awesome Bonus Question for the Reader!_

What is the 9000th word in this fic? Titles are not included. PM me the answer and I'll put your custom made character into this fic!


	14. Chapter 14

ZA

Chapter 14: Training for the weak…and the strong?

"Where'd that bastard go!" yelled Chris as he spun around, "I'll tear his limbs off and…and…I'm out of disgusting ideas…"

"Sew them back on upside down?" suggested Pete

Chris paused, "You know, you're not too bad Pete."

"Thanks. Now can we please leave this horrible dimension?"

Behind them, Seamus pulled himself to his feet and leapt onto Cthulhu's back.

"CHIBI KFULU!" he cried as he hugged the slimy beast, sliding down every few seconds.

"GET OFF ME, YOU DEGENERATE FREAK OF NATURE!" yelled Cthulhu as he tried to throw Seamus off, he found no results to his effort, as Seamus had dug his fingers into his soft flesh. Instead, Cthulhu relaxed his body and simply slid loose of Seamus, who fell to the scorched earth with a thud.

"Quit goofing around, you two monsters." Said Chris, "Pete, open the portal, will you please?"

"You got it." Pete threw the disc onto the ground and the blue circle appeared. They walked through.

…

Pete awoke with a sore head. He felt something weighing down his torso and reached into his jacket to find that his 13mm pistols had returned. He pulled both guns out of their holsters and kissed them lovingly.

"I missed you so much!" he cried as he pressed one against his face, "Especially you, Mrs. Robinson. Mrs. Johnston, you need to work harder for my affection!"

"Well, you definitely don't have unresolved or repressed mental issues leftover from childhood." Said a cruel voice, "By the way, welcome to my world."

Pete shot a look up and caught sight of The Doktor, from Hellsing. He glanced around and realized that he was inside Millennium's base of operations.

"What the hell?" Yelled Pete, "Why'm I here? Where're the others?"

"I'd assume that your friends are in their own respectable subconscious dimensions." Explained The Doktor, "But forget about them, you should be worried about yourself."

Pete pointed his 13mm pistols at The Doktor and started squeezing the triggers when the man held his hands up.

"Relax, Pete." Explained The Doktor, "I'm not going to fight you, in fact, I'm here to help you out. Bobert is taking over so many dimensions; he'll soon reach the Author."

"So, in a last ditch attempt to save himself, the Author separated us into the dimensions that match our personalities most for training." Finished Pete, "I figured that out about thirty seconds ago."

"You catch on quick." Noted The Doktor, "I'm here as your guide and mentor during your time here. I wonder if someone weak like you can survive what's ahead."

Pete walked past The Doktor, his 13mm pistols drawn and ready. He had an angry look in his eyes.

"I'll survive." Explained Pete, "I need to survive to be there for those who need me. I left too many people behind in the original dimension, and I will save them before it's too late. How can I do that if I get stopped here?"

He walked into the court way, calmly moving past rows of Nazi vampires who snarled and snapped at him. He stopped in the center of the crowd and held his guns into the air.

"I'll come back for you, my beautiful experiments." He whispered as he took aim at the Nazi zom-…I mean vampires.

Bullets blasted out into the Nazi vampires, who looked on, stunned, as six of their own fell. The remaining nine hundred and four leapt at Pete at the same time, only to be pushed back by a thrust of Pete's bone blade arms, sending dozens of vampires flying into the steel walls. The Doktor smiled, pushing his multi-lens glasses back up his nose.

"Schlachtung das eine!" cried the Nazi commander that hid behind ranks of his minions, "Dreckig schwein!"

Mp-40's opened up; Pete compressed himself into a ball, wrapping his bone blade arms around his body. Bone chipped and splintered, no match for the bullets flying at him from all sides. Pete screamed as they tore through his body, blood flying in an irregular shape around his form. He collapsed face first to the floor, his bone blade arms totally destroyed, his body basically a human shape covered in blood and jutting bones. The Doktor hung over him, smiling as Pete gasped for air, his chest painfully rising in quick breaths.

"You never stood a chance against Millennium." Said The Doktor, his grin still broad, "I knew that from the start, but the Author needs you to live. In his story, you still have purpose."

The Doktor produced a long syringe, filled with a thick green liquid. He pushed the needle into Pete's jugular, and the liquid entered his body. Almost as soon as that had happened, the nearest Nazi vampire was cut in two. The horde of Millennium turned to look on, searching for the culprit. None could be seen, but the vampire's blood was completely gone.

"Hinter uns!" came the cry of a Nazi a moment before his torso was ripped from his waist by a ghostly figure. The other Nazi's looked on in horror as their comrade's life fluids were drawn into the air and consumed by the figure. Red eyes pierced the minds of the Nazis as Pete charged into the crowd, forcing his arms through Nazis as he went. The commander fired on Pete, but he was already gone in a flash of red light, leaving a misty trail behind him as he went. The commander tried to follow Pete's movements, shooting into his own men as he did. The red flash that was Pete teleported into the air and brought his bare hand down onto the commander's skull, cracking it and sending blood out of every facial orifice the Nazi had. Pete stood there, holding the commander's twitching corpse by the dead man's hair, and stared at the Nazis around him. He pulled the commander up to shoulder height and bite into the man's neck with row upon row of razor sharp teeth; he ripped a chunk out of the man's neck and dropped the body, charging through the crowd that had been watching fearfully of the new enemy before them. In the background, the Doktor broke out into a laugh before remarking joyfully: "Schauen Sie sich das Blut!"

…

Seamus dragged himself to his feet, his mind filled with the strange notion that someone, somewhere, was confusing the reader by speaking German. He pushed the thought aside and rose to his feet, scanning the area for potential meals. He was immediately pushed down by a strong arm.

"Sit down, prisoner!" came a foreign voice, "You'll get your chance to leave the carriage soon enough."

He looked in front of him, a disheveled looking man with a beard stared back at him. The man spoke quickly, fear in his voice.

"You and me, we don't belong here!" said the man as he turned to the blonde man sitting next to him, "This is all your Stormcloaks' fault! The empire used to be nice and lazy, but now they're patrolling for you people. I could have been halfway to Hammerfell if it wasn't for you people!"

"Who are you?" asked Seamus

The man seemed to ignore his question. The blonde glanced around at the stony towers.

"I used to be sweet on a girl from Helgen, I wonder if she still makes that mead with juniper berries mixed in…" he said to himself, "Funny, imperial towers used to make me feel so safe."

The cart came to a stop, and they piled out. The commander in front of them called out names. Then he looked at Seamus.

"Wait, you there." said the commander as Seamus stepped forward, "Who…are you?"

…

Chris left the portal, his hair whipped about as he entered the new dimension. Instantly, his senses were overloaded by the flashes of explosions and the screech of missiles. Ahead of him, a ground of men, at least three feet taller than him, fired with machine guns out at an unseen enemy. Their dark metal armor covered their entire bodies and made them look like a black version of the incredible hulk. Horns protruded from their helmets and grisly axes with chainsaw blades hung at their waists. One, twice the size of the others, approached Chris. The man was covered with a cloud of black flies that poured from the funnels on his shoulders. A large horn jutted from his helmet like that of a rhino. A massive scythe hung from the man's shoulder, its shaft easily twice as long as a man is tall. Chris eyed the scythe carefully, judging its worth.

"I see you have arrived…" said the man as he reached for his helmet, "Old friend."

The man pulled his helmet off and smiled as Chris's mouth fell open in astonishment.

"You're…!"

Brendan winked and smiled broadly, "Bingo."

"Why are you here?"

"I'm your assigned mentor."

Chris looked puzzled

"Why exactly is a Chaos Lord my mentor?" asked Chris, "I don't even play Chaos!"

"You don't?" Brendan questioned, "Then who _do_ you play?"

"Necrons."

"Really? We were about to go to war against them." Brendan noted with a puzzled look, "What could that mean?"

"Maybe…" Chris pondered, "Maybe I have to fight what I love in order to learn my own weaknesses!"

"Now that's a life changing lesson!" cried Brendan, "Now let's go kill stuff!"

…

Seamus screamed as his skin changed, his bones remolding again and again as some unseen forced tried to decide what race and species he should be. The soldiers in front of him simply stared, waiting for something to happen. Then, after what seemed like hours, Seamus felt his body settle again. The invisible force had chosen his race: exactly the same as he had started off.

"Why…?" muttered Seamus as he stood again, facing the commander, "Can I go home now?"

"What're you doing-?"

Seamus cut off the man's scripted lines by reaching forward with his arm and grabbing the man's face; he slammed him into the ground and bent down. Seamus bit into the man's neck and ripped his throat out in a warm, pulsating chunk of joy. Seamus pulled the dead man's sword from its sheath and leapt at the nearest soldier, slicing him in two vertically. Then the world seemed to freeze, everything and everyone around Seamus was stuck in place. Long, arachnid legs crept toward Seamus, who was crouched over something. Fangs dripped toxic venom, an inner mouth trembled with hunger, and the giant spider behind Seamus reared up and leapt down for the kill. Seamus quickly turned around, the inner organs of a guard hanging from his maw, and spotted an out of place sight. A clown with a painted white face that was bald at the top but had large puffs of red hair on the sides and the back. He had a large red nose and red lips that were curled into a strange smile. He held a balloon in one hand, and stared at Seamus with hungry, inhuman eyes.

"Hey there sonny-o!" said the Clown, "Want a balloon?"

…

Back in the Naruto dimension, Adam was setting up the portal so he could go to Pete's facility and locate Bobert. He flicked the switch on the device, waiting for something to happen. He waited and waited. And waited some more. Then a spinning rainbow circle appeared above the device, prompting Adam to kick it into a tree, he jumped in his skin as it shattered.

"Oh…oh SHIT!"

…

Rob and Bro the Hand had made a long and arduous journey to reach this point. The Endgame of Resident Evil 4.

"I'll finally be able to save Cara, now." Said Rob with a sigh, "And then we can go help Adam and the others."

Bro the Hand's face became as confused as is possible for an insect face to be, "Who is this 'Cara' person? What's your relationship to her!"

"We're-"

Rob was cut off as Leon dashed past them while screaming, "Ashley!" at the top of his lungs. Rob decided to follow him, and maybe change the game's ending a little bit, but how could he possibly accomplish that you ask?

"I'm going to kill Ashley." Said Rob, "THEN find Cara. Priorities are important, ya know?"

Bro the Hand scuttled on all fours…or would it be on all sixes? Whatever, he scuttled, you know, like a bug. He and Rob made their way deeper into the island. They entered a large arena-like area, filled with ancient ruins and crumbling pillars. Rows of tilted spires led down a narrow pathway of hard packed sand.

"Well…this doesn't seem like a boss fight at all." Stated Rob ironically as Jack Krauser leapt down from the highest pillar and almost chopped Rob right in half. Bro the Hand dashed into the air and blocked Krauser's bone blade arm with his chitinous forearms. Bro struggled under Krauser's intense strength, and Krauser took advantage, kicking the insect in the thorax, sending him to the ground. All while Rob was completely oblivious to what was happening around him. Bro the Hand landed with a thud and Krauser landed softly behind Rob, ready to slice his throat. Rob sneezed, and Krauser's swipe missed. Rob saw Krauser's combat boots as he was bent over and looking between his own legs. He quickly leapt away from Krauser.

"Who the hell are…?" Rob squinted at Krauser for a second, "Oh…perfect. This is just what I needed right now!"

"Prepare for your death, Leon!" said Krauser as he charged forward

Rob blocked the bone blade arm with a wall of fire, forcing Krauser back.

"You catch on quick, as expected." Said Krauser, "I see you've honed your skills!"

"Jesus Christ, stop quoting yourself!" yelled Rob as he sent the wall of fire at Krauser, who nimbly leapt over it and punched Rob in the face. Rob staggered back and Krauser lifted his bone blade arm for the final blow when Bro the Hand whipped him in the face with his bony tail and sent him sprawling onto the sand.

"Why are you fighting me, Krauser?" asked Rob, "I don't even know you!"

Krauser considered this for a moment, "You catch on quick, as expected."

"Does that mean you understand me?"

Krauser nodded.

"I think I get it now." Said Rob, "You know what I'm saying, but you can't respond with anything but your scripted lines from the game. Too bad, man. Say, would you be interested in joining me?"

"What do you fight for, comrade?" said Krauser, who retracted his bone blade arm

"I have a friend trapped here, Cara. I need to rescue her from this horrible place…no offense. After that I have a promise to keep."

Krauser looked unconvinced.

"You'll get to kill stuff!" said Rob

"Enough talk," said Krauser before he lowered his voice to almost a whisper, "Die comrade."

"I'll assume that only the first half of that was meant, Krauser." Said Rob, "Now then, let's get going."

…

"You sure that you don't want a balloon?" asked the clown in a strange voice, "They float! They all float!"

Seamus laughed, "Of course balloons float, silly, that's why they're balloons!"

The two of them walked side by side, the clown staring down at Seamus with those same yellow, inhuman eyes. His face paint was curved up into a massive smile, which his yellowed teeth replicated creepily. Seamus thought the clown looked funny, so he said it.

"You look funny." Said Seamus matter-of-factly.

The clown recoiled, his fake smile and real one parting ways as he frowned deeply, his teeth still burning like a nightlight. Then the clown smiled again, ferociously this time.

"I wonder how funny I'd look as your worst fear?" he said with a taunting laugh in his voice as he closed his eyes and examined the subconscious of Seamus. A gigantic headline filled his mind's eye: **Enter the mind of the Seamus**. The clown opened his eyes and screamed horribly, hundreds of voices pouring out of him at once. Seamus laughed hysterically as the clown changed form and shape, from the clown to a werewolf to a vampire to a giant bird to Frankenstein's monster to the Crawling Eye and then back to the clown. He spat up some clear fluid and fell to the ground. Seamus stopped laughing to look at him.

"You okay, mister?" he asked sincerely

The clown panted for a moment before smiling so wide that his point teeth went across the entire length of his face.

"Just fine, little boy!" exclaimed the clown, "Now that I've gotten to know you, I'll formally introduce myself. You may call be Pennywise the Dancing clown! I invade dreams, steal souls, eat children and just plain cause terror wherever I go. We have a lot in common, friend!"

Seamus nodded half-mindedly, his eyes closed.

Pennywise's smile went back to normal, "I never expected to meet another of my own kind in this place! Skyrim of all dimensions, who'd of thought!"

Seamus looked up at Pennywise questioningly, "Who are you again?"

Pennywise's smile faded and he sneered, "You're the Other, aren't you? You're the one who helped them kill me!"

Suddenly Pennywise charged forward and gripped Seamus in a choke hold. In the background, Seamus could hear the Author bellowing at Pennywise to stop.

"**STOP THAT RIGHT NOW, PENNYWISE!**" yelled the Author, "**I TOLD YOU THAT WE NEED HIM ALIVE!**"

Pennywise's grip faltered and his arm fell to his side, "Fine then. But after this is over, I'm going to kill him in his nightmares."

"Good luck with that, Mister." Said Seamus with a smile, "Who are you again?"

Pennywise wrinkled his nose while massaging his temples.

"Pennywise the dancing clown." He repeated, "An inter-dimensional being of great power, surpassing your own by forty-thousand Raditz! But, for now, I am your mentor in this place, your training dimension."

Seamus smiled broadly and laughed again, "You know mister, you look funny!"

Pennywise started chewing on his fingers, drawing blood as his eyes rolled over white.

"I hate this fic!" he screamed as Seamus sneezed on him violently

…

Chris ran through the ranks of metal skeletons, slicing as he went, only to turn around and watch the Necrons reform, unscathed. He bumped into Brendan, who was swinging his plague scythe in long swipes at a group of immortals.

"They just won't die!" cried Chris as he kicked a Flayed One back into the ranks of Necrons, its razor fingers shredding warriors as it flew.

"Tell me about it!" yelled Brendan, "I've been fighting these bastards for six weeks, and I only managed to actually kill one of them!"

"How'd you do that?"

Brendan shook his head, "I dumped it into a pit of magma. It's in a constant state of rebuilding itself, not really dead."

Chris's eyes lit up, "I've got an idea! I've got a really good idea!"

As he spoke, a trio of monoliths hovered near them, firing energy waves into Brendan's chaos space marines. Brendan cursed and leapt off the ground, sending dust into the air as he went. He brought his scythe down onto the nearest Monolith, slicing it in two vertically. The two halves exploded and immobilized the second Monolith. Brendan threw his hand into the air and a swarm of black flies flew into the final Monolith, which soon began emitting very monotone, auto tuned cries of bored pain before it exploded.

Brendan turned to make his way back to Chris when a lychguard and Necron lord surrounded him.

"_I'm going to need really good rolls for this!"_ Thought Brendan as he swung at the closest lychguard, cleaving its shield and arm.

"Brendan!" cried Chris as he flew into the air and quickly changed to his third form, "I need you to…"

Brendan looked into the sky to see a gigantic sphere of purple and black energy floating just above Chris's head.

"DODGE!"

Brendan leapt aside just in time as the sphere of energy collided with the lord and his lychguard. The sphere dug into the earth and stayed there, burning like a firecracker for a few moments before it dissipated. Brendan stood baffled for a moment before he roared with pain as a cryptek pierced his armor and stabbed into his leg. He swung his scythe around and decapitated the metal demon before pulling the blade from his leg. Chris landed next to him.

"You all right?" asked Chris, acting out of character again

"I've got a fucking hole in my leg!" he yelled, "Of course I'm all right! I'm just bleeding out like a stuck pig, that's all!"

Brendan forced himself up with Chris's help.

"We can't beat them." He said between clenched teeth, "Not this evil, not these demons!"

Chris smiled, "As a matter of fact, I happen to have an attack that can't be healed."

Brendan's eyes lit up, "Then there's still hope! We can still win this thing!"

Chris's scythe started shooting off tiny darkness particles as he grinned, "And this time I can use it at full power!"

He flew up into the air again and spun his scythe over his head, "Cleave all hope to pieces! Kuruijini!"

The day turned to night and all was silent. Then it was heard, the sound of metal grinding against metal. One Necron fell. Brendan though he saw a shower of sparks light up in the distance. Ten Necrons fell. An insane laugh flooded the air, and the pseudo-night was suddenly alight with sparks. A hundred Necrons fell. The night was starting to ebb away. Five hundred. A thousand.

The sun overtook the skies again. Brendan stared out into the field in awe. The Necron army lay decimated.

Chris was back to his original form, panting in exhaustion. Brendan approached him cautiously.

"That…was…AWESOME!" yelled Brendan, "You fucking destroyed them all!"

"Bitch I'm the God of Insan-"

Chris fell to the ground face first, completely unconscious.

In the distance, two Obliterators pointed to the strange person who had killed the opposing force.

"Yo man, I could of done the same thing if I wanted." Said the first one in a monotone voice

"Naw way man, I'd a done 'em before you!" replied the other one

…

Pete had followed the hallway for almost a half hour now, and it still all looked the same. He felt a burning thirst inside himself that made him volatile. Now, as he passed by the doorway he entered the hall from, it finally occurred to him.

"Goddamnit." Said Pete, "I've been walking in a fucking circle, haven't I."

He turned to The Doktor angrily, "Why didn't you tell me, Dok?"

The Doktor shrugged and smiled nervously, "I'm not supposed to give you any extra hints."

Pete pointed one of his 13mm pistols at The Doktor's head.

"But, um, if you really want to know…" The Doktor's voice trailed off as he focused his attention at the person behind Pete.

Pete spun around, but his arm was caught by the stranger, who knocked the pistol out of Pete's grip before sending him sprawling out on the floor.

"Who the hell are…?" Pete's eyes widened too, "N-no way!"

…

Adam paced around the forest, occasionally punching a tree in frustration. He held a smashed part of the portal device in his hand; dents were starting to form where his fingers gripped it.

"I can't believe that I'm stuck here!" he yelled, "After everything, I get trapped in this place?"

Distant voices made Adam duck behind a bush. He listened as they got closer.

"Yo, Kakuzu?" came the first one, "We really need to do this again? I mean we just caught the two-tails last week; do we seriously need to go for the three-tails so soon? I mean, come on, and give us two weeks off after a mission like that last one!"

"Shut up." Came the second one, sounding very monotone and bored, "I'll kill you, Hidan."

Adam's frown turned quickly into a grin. Hidan and Kakuzu, the immortal duo. What an interesting turn of events. He stepped out into the open. Hidan and Kakuzu stared at him.

"You seeing this guy, Kakuzu?" asked Hidan, "What should we do with him?"

"I'll take out some of the stress you caused on him." Said Kakuzu as he approached, ready to attack Adam in an instant

"I wouldn't do that." Said Adam, "I'm not here to fight you. I want to talk."

"Talk when you're dead, kid!" yell Hidan as he charged ahead of Kakuzu, dragging his tri-scythe behind him, "I don't talk to brats like you!"

"HIDAN!" came a loud yelled from Kakuzu, "STOP IT NOW."

Hidan paused and turned around, "Why? I was just gonna have some fun with him!"

"I want to hear him out."

"Jez, you're such a stickler." Replied Hidan as he shook his head, "Fine, but if this turns out to be stupid I'm not stopping my attack again."

Kakuzu turned to Adam, "What is it you have to say? Speak quickly."

"I wish to speak with one of your members, Tobi." Adam explained, "It's quite urgent."

Kakuzu and Hidan looked very surprised and curious. At last, Kakuzu spoke.

"What do you want with a looser like Tobi? And how do you even know of our members?"

Adam's grin widened, "I know everything about you and your organization, Kakuzu. And I also have some very valuable information that could benefit the Akatsuki's efforts to capture the tailed beasts. You just need to bring me to Tobi."

"If you have such important information, why tell Tobi? Why not ask to see our Leader?"

"I don't want to talk to Pain. He can't help me. Take me to Tobi."

Kakuzu seemed to consider this for a moment before nodding, "Alright. I'll take you to see Tobi, but I'll kill you if you do anything suspicious."

"Man!" complained Hidan loudly, "I was gonna sacrifice him to Jashin-sama!"

"Shut up."

…

"That damned Author has gotten in our way yet again!" yelled Bobert, "He's trying to make them stronger. If they get too much stronger then they'll be a real threat to both of us!"

He turned to the shadowy figure and yelled at him, "DIDN'T YOU SEE THIS COMING YOU BASTARD!"

"Indeed, I did, but it has to come to pass. It's all part of the plan, Bobert. Just tag along for a little while longer. Let them have their pathetic training sessions. We still grow closer to the Author, and once we reach him, no one will be able to stop us. The story will be in our hands and we can just write those meddling fools out of the script. Six dimensions remain in our way. The six that they occupy. Six that they will lose, very soon."


	15. Chapter 15

ZA ch 15

Pete's destiny revealed?

Pete spun around, but his arm was caught by the stranger, who knocked the pistol out of Pete's grip before sending him sprawling out on the floor.

"Who the hell are…?" Pete's eyes widened too, "N-no way!"

The condescending green eyes stared down at Pete, neither apathy nor compassion projected from them. The man smashed his foot down onto Pete's 13mm pistol, shattering it into a thousand pieces of splintered metal and deformed bullets.

"You…" growled Pete as he glared into the man's eyes, "You're not supposed to be here! You shouldn't be anywhere near here!"

"Nonsense." Said the voice calmly, "I can do as I please, regardless of what Bobert says. I only pledged my loyalty out of respect, not out of a will to follow his orders. No matter how powerful that man becomes, he will never be my master."

Pete struggled for a moment, managing to throw the man over his shoulder and fire his remaining 13mm pistol at his enemy. The shots bounced off harmlessly as Pete cursed and charged forward.

"Oh? You're going to try and beat me in hand-to-hand combat now?" came the voice of Pete's assailant, "Not a very good idea, but if you insist…"

Pete shot his fist at the man, colliding with the man's forearm as he blocked. The man kicked Pete into a wall, shredding his ribcage and severing his arm in the process. Pete coughed up blood that was not his own and grunted as his body reformed. He panted for a few seconds before charging again at his enemy, only to be thrown away again.

"You're just as tough as I imagined." Said Pete as he drew his hands up into an oval pose in front of his face, "System level 1 release."

Red clouds of vapor that was strangely fluid filled the room, emanating from Pete. His body was lifted by the vapor, which was now sporting eyes and miscellaneous body parts.

"Now this is an interesting form that you've assumed." Said the man calmly, "Let's see just what you can do with that power."

Pete's form disappeared into the floor-grates for a few seconds before the red vapor encircled the man.

"You're done for!" yelled Pete as he appeared from the vapor and thrust his arm through the man's chest.

"Funny you should say that." Retorted the man as he thrust _his_ arm through Pete's chest. The man pulled his arm from Pete's body, ripping part of Pete's spine out as he did. Pete collapsed in a heap for a moment as he screamed in agony.

"Tsk." Came the disappointed sound from the man as he threw the spine away.

"Damn you…" cursed Pete as he reformed unsteadily, "Ulquiorra…"

…

"Just what the hell happened?!" Complained Trayzen the Infinite as his army lay wasted before him, "What the hell did this?!"

"My most sincere apologies, Trayzen." Said Chris from behind the Necron Overlord, "Would you care to show me your collection?"

The Overlord stared blankly into Chris for a moment before laughing with a grated metallic sound, "But of course, my dear friend! Why wouldn't I show my prized collection to the man who just annihilated my entire army in only a few seconds!? I'd be insane _not_ to!"

"Please, you're like my goddamned idol in life, can't you just give me a quick tour?" pleaded Chris, his arms outstretched apologetically.

"All things come for a trade, young man." Explained Trayzen

"Name your price." Said Chris quickly

Trayzen threw his metal head back and laughed heartily before glaring back down at Chris.

"Anything and everything…" he started, his voice started to rise in tune, "I want it all! Everything and anything. Anything and everything! I want all there is to be…I want it all to be taken to me! You may have a chaotic horde…but I'm a goddamned Necron Lord! Without a small token of appreciation…you shall receive the most severe annihilation! Now that my rhyme is at an end…Let's see how you'll contend!"

Chris stood there for a moment simply staring; Brendan peeked into the tent behind him.

"BRAVO! BRAVO!" yelled Chris as he mashed his hands together and Trayzen bowed proudly. Brendan face palmed.

"So can I get into your collection now?" asked Chris suddenly

"No."

"Aw, man."

"No. Necron."

…

"I like turtles." Said Seamus stupidly as he and Pennywise walked past a burning village

"I know, Seamus, I know." Said Pennywise tiredly

"Are we there yet?" asked Seamus for the twentieth time, "Are we at Alduin's house yet?"

"No."

A marching patrol of Imperials went past then and started firing arrows at the lesser dragon that was burning the village.

"How about now?"

"No."

A pack of ice wolves leapt into the group of Imperials, who were currently on fire and running in smoky circles while screaming.

"How about now?"

"No."

A Dark Brotherhood assassin charged into the fray, hired to eliminate one of the Imperials. He plunged his dagger into the soft flesh of the Imperial before turning to face the remaining ice wolves who were watching the dragon chewing on the fried imperials.

"How about now?"

"No."

Seamus waved at a Giant as he chased his runaway mammoth into the fray. The mammoth swung its head to the side and sent ice wolves flying into the air. The Brotherhood assassin climbed onto the mammoth and the Giant swatted at the man, who dodged, causing the giant to miss and crush the mammoth's back. The Giant roared in rage and brought down his club onto the dragon, who had started choking on the roasted Imperials.

"How about now?"

"No."

A small dwemer strike force descended from the sky, spiderbots landing on both the dragon and the Giant. All three groups attacked at the same time creating a dimension warp that sucked them all up and then disappeared in a cloud of black flies.

Seamus stopped walking for a second. Pennywise stared at him curiously.

"Did you hear something a little while back?" asked Seamus seriously

"I think I might have…"

"It's because I farted!" laughed Seamus with a pathetic giggle

Pennywise face palmed, "Are we there yet?"

"Chicken!" yelled Seamus as he kicked a chicken, causing an entire village to start attacking them.

"I hate the Author!" yelled Pennywise as he changed form and shape to engage the villagers

…

"Why are you protecting her?!" Yelled Robert in frustration as he shot a hadouken at Saddler, who teleported to the side, "I just want to kill her and save us from all the horrible ending lines!"

Saddler transformed and lifted Ashley into the air using a tentacle, pulling her out of the way of another hadouken. Krauser brought down his bone blade arm on the tentacle, severing it, and Bro the Hand caught Ashley as she fell. Bro lifted his clawed hand in attack, but was swatted away by Saddler, who was for once at a loss for words.

"Die Comrade!" Yelled Krauser as he thrust his bone blade arm into one of Saddler's main support legs, crushing bone and sending blood flying.

"Hadouken!" Screamed Rob as his eyes turned momentarily all black and he fired a massive ball of blue fire into Saddler, killing him finally.

"Leon! Help!" said Ashley frantically as she slid down to her knees and covered her head with her hands

"Will you please…" asked Rob kindly as the hadouken in his hands got larger and larger, "DIE!"

"LEOOONN!"

…

"And that's how this manga/anime will proceed if you don't do something about it," finished Adam as Tobi nodded, "You hear me, Uchiha Madara?"

Tobi looked up in surprised, "How did you know that?"

"Dude," explained Adam as he stared nervously at Kisame, "Everyone knows."

"Impossible! I thought that I was totally obscure!"

…

"Activate the portals." Said Bobert suddenly, "I've grown tired of waiting. We settle this now!"

The shadowy figure smirked and hit a key on his computer.

"This will end it, once and for all."

…

Alarms suddenly blared through Trayzen's war tent, Chris and Brendan jumped with surprise. Trayzen's eye pieces widened and he led out a screech.

"They've escaped my museum!?" He yelled in frantic terror, "Not now! Not now! Worst conceivable time for escape! My army gone! How can I stop those brutes alone!?"

Chris put his hand on Trayzen's shoulder, "What's wrong, Big T?"

"It's my collection! I captured the entirety of Warboss Thraka's WAAGH; oh I can't believe I just said that wretched phrase, in my collection. With my normal army at hand this would not be a problem, but now that YOU'VE decimated them all, me AND my collection are ruined!" Trayzen pondered for a moment, "Wait….wait, wait, wait, YOU! You could kill them for me!"

"And why would we do that?" questioned Brendan as he walked into the tent, his shoulder spikes tearing the ceiling as he went.

"Because I'll let the Great Destructor claim one whole part of my collection for himself!" Trayzen bribed

Trayzen grinned widely, and opened a sewer grate that happened to be on the floor of a desert for some reason. Chris leapt inside, twirling in the air so that he could fly down headfirst. As he collided with the floor, his first transformation rippled across and he glanced around. A wall of green stood in front of him, a great Warhammer gripped in green fingers and a shiny metal skullcap stared down at him.

"Well, what 'ave we got 'ere?" questioned Warboss Ghazgull Thraka, "A wee 'umie 'at wants a stompin'?"

Chris's red eyes narrowed onto Thraka and his toothy grin broadened, "Well now, if it's a stompin' you want then it's a stompin' you'll get!"

…

Madara Uchiha nodded slowly, his arms crossed in front of him, "So that's how it is…"

A red sharingan eye peered out at Adam from behind the orange swirl mask, "Then I shall help you in any way I can."

Adam grinned, "Good! I'm glad you saw the importance of my wish. As for helping me, how about some training?"

Kakuzu threw his cloak off and groaned as four elemental beings burst from his sewn shoulders. Hidan took a fighting stance and then charged. Kisame let out a fishy laugh as Adam drew his katana to block Hidan's tri-scythe.

"Ora, ora, ora!" cried Hidan as he swung wildly, "Don't tell me that all you can do is block, you stupid atheist!"

Kakuzu leapt behind Adam and wrapped him up with his metal strings, "Hidan! What did I tell you about insulting people we just met?"

Hidan brought down his tri-scythe just as Adam burst from his metallic confines. The third blade down hit home and glanced Adam's pinky.

"Heho! I've got his blood, Jashin!" said Hidan to nobody, "Another sacrifice, ANOTHER SACRIFICE!" he yelled as he licked Adam's blood from the blade and his skin changed to black with white bone patterns.

"Looks like it's over now, Adam." Explained Kisame from a distance, "Once Hidan has ingested the blood of his enemy, his life is tied to the life of who the blood came from."

Hidan stepped into a bloody trigram on the dirt and pointed a long metal spike towards his heart, "Plus I'm immortal, so…"

There was a crush and then the sound of blood hitting dirt as Hidan impaled his own heart; he threw his head back in ecstasy. Blood spurted from Adam's mouth and he fell to the ground, first supporting his weight on shaky arms, then collapsing totally in defeat.

"Guess he wasn't much after all." Complained Hidan as he stepped out of the circle and the black skin dissipated, "Jashin must be disappointed in me for fighting such a weakling!"

Kakuzu's eyes suddenly widened, "Hidan! Look out!"

"Eh?" was the last thing Hidan ever said as Adam sprang back up and encased his entire body in fire. Hidan crumbled into ashes.

"Idiot." Said Kakuzu plainly, "I told him that he'd get killed one day if he wasn't careful."

Adam's was surrounded in flame, Ryūjin Jakka blazing in his right hand and something new in his left hand. Madara let out an amused sound, "I'm aware of his fire sword, but what exactly is that other thing?"

Adam grinned and lifted the sword up to his shoulder, its red length gleaming in the sunlight. It was shorter than Ryūjin Jakka, with a handle only meant for one hand. A ninjato.

"This is a sword that you won't recognize now, but after you see what it does, you'll never forget." Said Adam as he approached Kakuzu slowly, who was trying to figure out what the sword's special ability might be, "Jinsei no Endaa!"

"Life ender?" questioned Kakuzu, "That doesn't seem very original."

Adam's face grew red, "S-SHUT UP! It's original because nobody's thought so simply about a name before! How do you know what Jinsei no Endaa means?!"

"I'm Japanese you fucking snot." Retorted Kakuzu as he dashed forward and punched Adam's chest, the four elementals all fired at Adam, causing an explosion of massive proportions. When the dust settled, Jinsei no Endaa was in Kakuzu's forehead, and the gleaming red blade was now literally glowing brightly.

"Witness the divine power of Jinsei no Endaa!" said Adam confidently as Kakuzu's head imploded and the sword blade grew broader by a foot, "Jinsei no Endaa takes the life essence and power of what it pierces and incorporates that power into its blade. Kakuzu is just the first contribution to its power, which will grow with every person I destroy from now on!"

The elemental beings screamed and flew into the blade, which now glowed with lightning, water, air, and fire energies. Metal tentacle wires also spurted from its length, no doubt Kakuzu's personal contribution to the power of Jinsei no Endaa. Madara's eyes widened and he let out a laugh.

"Very interesting, Adam, very interesting indeed." He said with a clap, "I assume that you now intend to absorb each of our powers into that blade?"

Adam tensed his battle stance, read for Madara's attack. The masked man continued speaking.

"Well, for that sword of your to work, you need to pierce me." Madara started sliding into the ground, "And that is something you will never accomplish."

Adam raised Ryūjin Jakka over his head and brought down a massive blade of fire, scorching and splitting the earth. Then he jabbed Jinsei no Endaa into the ground and sent out lightning, which backfired when he electrocuted himself and let out a smoky cough. Kisame laughed.

"You foolish human, you don't even know how to properly use the power of that blade yet!" he taunted as his Samehada blade burst forth and writhed in excitement, "Let me teach you why you should never become so cocky, human!"

Kisame shot forward, as Adam struggled to pull Jinsei no Endaa's girth from the ground in time to block. Samehada came down heavily, and Adam felt it sucking out his strength with frightening speed. Kisame saw kicked Ryūjin Jakka from Adam's hand and pushed harder down onto Jinsei no Endaa.

"Get the hell off me!" yelled Adam as he threw a heavy kick at Kisame's midsection, sending him into the air. Adam got up and picked Ryūjin Jakka from the ground and swung it at Kisame, sending a burning blast of flame at the shark-man. Samehada absorbed the fire and grew exponentially; Kisame laughed and began to fuse with his sword, becoming more shark like every second.

"You really are a fool, Adam Wesker!" taunted Kisame, "Super water prison!"

A massive sphere of water engulfed almost three football field's worth of land, and was just as high. Adam held his breath, but Kisame tackled him, knocking his breath away. Water poured into his lungs and he desperately tried to breath, taking in only water. Kisame gave Adam a bear hug, draining every single ounce of energy from his body. Adam's eyes closed slowly.

"This is the end, kid!" taunted Kisame as Adam's mouth moved slowly, "Sorry kid, but I can't hear your last words."

Kisame looked slowly at Ryūjin Jakka, and saw that it was still burning brightly, "What the hell?"

The burning sword swung slowly through the water, and all at once the water evaporated and both Kisame and Adam fell to the ground. Kisame reverted back to normal, and dropped Samehada, shocked by the sudden loss of water. When he looked up, he was surrounded by fire.

"Blazing Fortress." Managed Adam as he coughed up water, "Jokaku Enjo. You're trapped here, Kisame, and water can't be made here, even using your chakra."

Kisame let out a Tsk, and then grinned, "Maybe I underestimated your durability, kid, but remember that I don't need water or my perfect form to kill you!"

Kisame charged forward and brought Samehada down, Adam lifted Jinsei no Endaa's point and stabbed into Samehada's flesh width. A victorious smile spread across Adam's face as Samehada disappeared into Jinsei no Endaa. He brought the blade over his head, ready to slice Kisame in half vertically. Kisame clapped his hands together.

"Super Shark bo-"

Jinsei no Endaa cut through Kisame's left arm and hacked through his chest. After a moment of stillness, the wound spurted blood and Kisame collapsed. He let out a watery cough and a chuckle at the same time.

"I already told you, Kisame," said Adam as he pointed Jinsei no Endaa's tip at Kisame's head, "No water may exist inside this Blazing Fortress."

"That you did, kid, that you did." Kisame grinned again through bloody teeth, "Take my power."

He thrust his head forward onto Jinsei no Endaa and his body disappeared into t blade. Adam let out sigh and Jinsei no Endaa turned back into its original red-bladed form.

"Three down." Adam said tiredly, "Five to go."

Chris grinned as Warboss Thraka fell to the ground, his metal head dented in like tin foil. The Boyz that surrounded him grumbled and grunted for a few moments before roaring and bowing to Chris, their new Warboss. Brendan walked into the room and fainted as the Boyz growled at him. Trayzen also fainted, but then got back up as his nano-machines reawakened him.

"So you've tamed the filthy ork horde, Chris?" said Trayzen with a hypothetical grin, "Now do you plan to use my collections interdimensional portal device to warp to the locations of your allies and gather them for an assault on Bobert's indomitable castle Brennenburg in the Amnesia dimension?"

Chris shrugged, "No, but that sounds interesting. Let's go, me-…I mean Boyz!"

"WAAAAAAAGH!"

The blue portal before them grew in width and WAAGH! Chris charged through. First stop: Pete.

Pete's body slowly pulled itself together and stood up. His red eyes glowed as his back hunched over tiredly.

"I'm so tired…" he muttered drowsily, "So very tired…"

A wall of blue appeared and Chris walked out, followed by Brendan and the WAAGH! Pete smiled dimly and waved, "Hey you…how's it going?"

Chris looked Pete up and down and then examined the burnt and blood stained room, "You seem to be having a good time, Old Chap. How'd you like to come and assault Bobert with me?"

Pete's grin faded, "Not now."

He sat down on the floor and hung his head between his knees, "I'm too tired for that shit."

Chris let a puzzled look cover his face and then put his hand on Pete's shoulder, "Pete…"

Pete smacked his hand away and looked up, his face a mouthful of fangs and his eyes burning like coals, "I'M SO FUCKING TIRED! LET ME SLEEP!"

Chris held up his hands and backed away, "Ok, Old Chap, ok, just relax! I didn't come for a fight, I came for my friend."

Pete's grin reprised and grew, "Friend? Don't give me that shit! A friend would let me sleep when I'm TIRED!"

Trayzen poked Chris's arm and whispered into his ear, "Crazy man, let's just get out of here!"

Pete stood up, "I heard that. I'm not fucking CRAZY!"

Pete dashed forward, his vampire cloud staring Trayzen down and the Black Dog growing from its misty form. Trayzen help his hands in front of his face defensively, "Actually I was referring to Chris!"

Chris leapt forward, his 1st form spreading out, and grappled the Black Dog with his claws. The Black Dog pushed him a few feet, but Chris managed to lift it and Pete above his head before slamming it into the ground.

"Chris, just use second form and end this already!" called out Brendan from the other side of the hall

"I don't want to kill him, you idiot, he's valuable!" Responded Chris as he dodged a jab and countered with a kick

In the background, footsteps approached slowly. A shadow covered Chris and Pete, causing them both to look at its origin. Ulquiorra's second form stood before them, energy lance in hand, and glared with subdued anger, "Why are you here, Christopher? How did you come to this place?"

Pete shriveled into a corner, behind a wall of Boyz, while Chris stepped forward. Chris grinned and charged at Ulquiorra, grabbing his energy lance with his claws and pushing it forward, overpowering Ulquiorra quickly.

"You've grown stronger, it seems." Said Ulquiorra as he pointed a glowing finger at Chris's face, "But no matter how much stronger a fly gets, it's still just a fly."

The Cero blasted Chris, and Ulquiorra dashed backwards and threw his lance into the smoke that had filled the place where Chris had been.

"I'll agree with your statement, Ulquiorra." Said Chris from inside the cloud as his second form rolled into place, "But that only applies to flies, and I am certainly not a fly."

Chris threw the lance back out of the cloud, sending the smoke out of view, and Ulquiorra caught it easily, "Is that so, Christopher?"

Ulquiorra's skin tensed and he flew forward, lance aimed at Chris's heart. Chris pulled his Kuruijini from his chest and parried Ulquiorra's lance. Ulquiorra jumped back and entered his third form, black fluid pouring from the hole in his chest as his wings grew and his horns lengthened.

"Not even Bobert has seen me in this form." Explained Ulquiorra calmly, "I'll eliminate you and your friends right here and be done with this annoying distraction."

Chris readied his Kuruijini and began to slice downward when Ulquiorra appeared at his left, and smashed his head into the wall and out of the building. Chris landed in-between Walter C. Dornez and Alucard, who were staring each other down hungrily.

"Sorry." Said Chris awkwardly as he got and took a fighting stance, waiting for Ulquiorra to re-appear.

"Get out of my way, you hindrance!" Yelled Walter as he shot his metal wires at Chris

Chris sliced them and then jumped away, leaving Alucard laughing heartily. When Chris landed, he spotted Ulquiorra. He was hanging limply from someone's hands. Chris's eyes widened as the figure turned his head and smiled at Chris.

"Hello Chris!" said Bobert calmly, "I hope you packed an extra pair of undies, because I'm gonna make you piss yourself in fear!"

Chris grinned broadly, "This's just what I was hoping would happen!"

Ulquiorra coughed and jabbed his Lanza de Relampago into Bobert's chest, "Die, you unworthy king!"

Bobert ripped Ulquiorra in half and threw his waist to the ground. The stared Ulquiorra in the eyes before biting a chunk out of his neck. Chris gaped as Ulquiorra's top half fell to the ground, dead.

Black blood running down his face horribly, Bobert grinned again, "He tasted like a bat. I wonder if you'll taste like a squid."


End file.
